Sex as We Age
Getting older brings with it entirely normal mental and physical changes in our sexuality.
Having reached the age of 71, the topic of sex as we get older is increasingly at the forefront of my mind. While I still consider myself a vibrantly sexually active person, there is no denying that age changes a few things.
Since many of my readers are of the sexually adventurous or kinky variety, how older people fit into those styles of sexuality has also been on my mind since that’s the camp in which I like to pitch my tent most of the time.
This post topic was prompted by last night’s sexy times romp. Throughout the play I and the guy I was playing with took lots of breaks, repositioned for comfort, and generally adapted throughout the night to the vagaries of age and the physical restrictions accumulated from a life we’ve both lived for many decades. Which is of course fine. I have no issue with adapting my erotic times to meet my mind and body where they’re at during this phase of my life.
I wrote in “Getting Honest About Sexuality and Aging” about Janet Hardy’s superb new book, Notes of an Aging Pervert. (I highly recommend the book.)
I’ve written about “Growing Older in Kink” and how we either accept the reality that age enforces adaptation or we risk not keeping our erotic play and associated social life thriving.
At about the same time I read Hardy’s excellent book, I stumbled up an NPR article, “Does sex get better with age? This senior sex therapist thinks so.” One of the things the study discussed in the article concluded is that when it comes to having sex when older, optimism matters.
Participants who were optimistic about their sex lives reported having significantly more frequent and more satisfying sex than those who had lower expectations. Also, “sexually optimistic” individuals who acquired physical limitations they didn’t have ten years before – such as pain that made it harder to lift groceries or exercise – reported having more frequent sex than people who had lower sexual expectations and no such limitations.
Anecdotally, that rings true. When I witnessed the sex lives of friends and acquaintances, I’ve noticed those who maintain an optimistic, upbeat, and realistic attitude about it all tend to have the more satisfying sex lives. I think that’s true for me too.
So, while writing and reading all that stuff, I realized I have my own story to tell regarding how sex has changed for me as I’ve aged. Here are a few things that are true for me and perhaps might be for others too.
I have less sex and erotic play, and I’m fine with that. About three or four years ago, I recall reflecting back on the past few months of my life and noticing I had fewer erotic encounters than usual. I then did a self-check about how I felt about that. I seemed to feel just fine about it. It felt like a simple acknowledgement of reality rather than a bemoaning of my friskier years. Some of the slowdown might be due to age, but my doctor reports I still have high testosterone levels. Some of the slowdown might simply be a “been there, done that” situation. Whatever the reasons, I don’t care as long as I’m happy with the amount of sex I do get.
I tend to now more often seek out ongoing erotic relationships over one-timers. I came out of the gay gate highly sexual and remained that way for decades. One-time hookups were very much part of that equation. Nowadays, I seem to increasingly be defaulting to having sex with men I know well. Some are friends. Some are social acquaintances. Having some type of already existing connection seems to be a common prerequisite for connecting. However, and this is important, I don’t and hope no one else does either judge anyone’s quantity of sex or not. Whether someone has sex twelve times a day (now that would be stamina) or once a month or once a year or never, I judge none of it. All that matters to me is did the person have fun. That’s the only parameter I use to assess a sexual encounter. Societal sexual mores tend to err on the hyper conservative side, and I can’t ever get on board with that.
Planning and pacing matter more now than in the past. I have never been much of a sexual activity planner. I’m more likely to be the guy who randomly calls someone up to connect or otherwise meet them somewhere and go do our thing in the moment. But I’ve noticed I plan for my sex more now. Calendaring sex was to me anathema to the kind spontaneous sex I had in the past found most satisfying. That’s changed. I now more often will make a future sex date with someone. My sexual pacing has changed and calendaring helps with that. I can know that my next intimate engagement is in a week and plan for getting enough sleep and rest the day before.
I don’t negatively judge the more active sex lives of the younger. I celebrate it. Far too often I hear people my age denigrate the sex lives of the younger. In my own gay men’s culture, I’ve seen this occur many times. I don’t get it. Many of those same older people were just as full of runaway sexual abandon as the younger are today, but for some reason they forgot that. Or, if someone has chosen a life of less sexual activity, I’ve noticed that sometimes as they age that choice ends up becoming a pulpit of regret from which they preach that others should be doing the same. Not helpful. Not fair. Not demonstrating an understanding of how human sexuality works.
I keep things simpler now. As a kinkster specifically, there was a time when I would employ a trunkful of toys, garb, gear, and sexual accoutrements during my encounters. Now? Not so much. I find myself returning to the same few things to add spark to my encounters while much of what I still own collects dust. A good friend mentioned that as we age, we reach a stage of “de-acquisition” and perhaps I’m going through that right now, not just with my stuff generally but also with my erotic stuff.
My erotic identity has evolved and mellowed. In the past, much of my erotic identity revolved around two sexual loci: active gay sex culture and being an avowed kinkster. They still do to a great extent. But I find that I’m no longer married to any rigid identities associated with those two subcultures. I attribute my sexual mellowing to no longer engaging in the sexual equivalent of keeping up with the Joneses. I don’t compare myself to others as much. How I look, identify, and have sex is unique to me, and as long as I and my partners are having a good time, I’m happy with not neatly fitting into the culturally prescribed labeled boxes prevalent in my gay and kink communities.
I’m sure there are more changes I’ve undergone that I’m not thinking of at the moment. The important thing to remember is that as you age you can and should adapt your mindset and your activities to construct the most fun and fulfilling sexuality that you can. Sex in your 70s often doesn’t look or function like sex in your 20s, and that’s OK.
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