Getting Honest About Sexuality and Aging

A new book by Janet W. Hardy, Notes of an Aging Pervert, bravely and honestly portrays the realities of a lifelong sex and relationship maverick coming to terms with aging.

Today I was chatting with someone on the phone about our sex lives. He’s about my age (I’m 69) and we were discussing that in recent months our sex drive was experiencing a lull. We’re both highly sexual people. Much of our self-identity is attached to the kink and leather worlds that have been our primary socialization and play landscape for decades. Yet, for whatever reason, we both experienced a surprising retreat of our sex drive and the abating of the urgency for erotic connection.

That said, his and my sex drives appear to be awakening from their slumber. Perhaps we just needed a break. Maybe other life objectives unconsciously became our priorities. Regardless, I don’t think we talk enough about how aging can affect how we desire, pursue, and engage in our sexualities.

Much of this is discussed in an incredibly transparent and honest new book by Janet W. Hardy, Notes of an Aging Pervert (paid link) from Unbound Edition Press.

I was honored and lucky to be given an advance copy of the book. I read it in one sitting. It’s that good. While being an older kinkster made me relate directly to much of the book’s narrative, it dawned on me as I was reading how little changing sex drives and erotic desires as we age are discussed.

Here’s what I wrote in praise of the book that’s on the Unbound Edition Press website.

… a writer of iconic stature … Hardy bravely exposes the deep intimacies of her life … This book is superb, which is no surprise since it emanates from the mind of one of the queer community’s most interesting thinkers and writers.

Please don’t think this book is just for us older kinksters. Everyone reading it will learn more about themselves as they read what Hardy wrote. She metaphorically opens a vein and bleeds onto the page a torrent of raw honesty few have done before. This book is superb on many levels.

In the first of 11 concise chapters, On Me, Hardy immediately demonstrates the frankness that permeates the entire book.

Until a decade or two ago, I practiced what I preached, and had friends, lovers, and play partners all over the world. (When you’re the visiting expert, a whole lot of people want to play with you, and who was I to say no?) While I’m not doing that anymore, for reasons I’ll get into, those years of sluthood taught me more than you could imagine about friendship, about love, about pain, about ecstasy, and about where all those experiences intersect — a nexus which I like to call my life

Sluthood. I love that term. In my kink and polyamorous world, we’ve begun to take back the word slut and elevate it to a term of endearment while honoring the authentic pursuits of one’s sexuality, whatever the manifestation.

Hardy is best known for the iconic book about nonmonogamy and polyamory Hardy wrote with co-author, Dossie Easton. That book is The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love (paid link), a book many consider the seminal work on the topic.

All of Hardy’s books are superb, but Notes of an Aging Pervert really hit home for me, perhaps because Hardy and I are close in age (Hardy is 67). Hardy and I have been friends for years and have navigated within many of the same kink spaces and communities. We share a lot of commonalities. It was nice to see such a thoughtful reflection on one person’s path as they traverse the kinky and polyamorous road that presents its twists and turns to us all as we age.

Trust me when I say you’ll enjoy this book. Hardy is an excellent writer with a sharp, thought leader mind that nudges the reader to move from word to word in hungry anticipation.

When I was writing this post, an article in AARP’s newsletter arrived in my inbox, “The Secrets of Sex Over 40: 8 Questions Answered.” The article discusses the results of their AARP Research Survey that encouraged people over 40 years of age to divulge what’s going on in their lives when it comes to intimacy and sex.

The survey “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” polled 2,500 people 40 and older about how perceptions, behaviors, attitudes and preferences about sexual experiences have changed over time. Three-quarters of survey respondents were over 50.

Among the findings:

- 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner.

- Less than half of those surveyed —46 percent—said they were satisfied with their current sex life.

- Four out of 5 people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying.

- Having sex with a stranger is the most common sexual fantasy for both men and women.

The report also found that over the past 20 years, the frequency of sex in this age group declined, but other types of sexual activity – like masturbation and oral sex – increased.

“Sex doesn’t get any less important as we age,” says Patty David, AARP vice president of consumer insights. “It continues to be a vital part of a good relationship, which shows that intimacy and physical connection are important to all ages.”

The second bullet point is disheartening. That only 46% of respondents were satisfied with their sex life feels like a lot of people not enjoying a vibrant sexuality that fits within their needs as they get older. I wonder if much of that is comparison anxiety. Sexuality and the erotic confront us at every turn in daily life. Perhaps some of us older people are doing too much comparing of our sex lives to that of the naturally active sex lives of the younger or the hyper sexual imagery and messaging we’re getting on social media and in all media generally.

I also wonder to what extent the dissatisfaction expressed in the second bullet point isn’t also somewhat influenced by the last bullet point in which the fantasy of having sex with a stranger percolates to the top of our erotic imaginations. I’m not one to advocate for nonomonogamy if it doesn’t fit into one’s personal set of values and life situation. But I bet at least some of the dissatisfaction expressed in the second bullet point would be alleviated by being able to act on the fantasy of the fourth bullet point. That’s only conjecture, but I’ve been around the sex culture scene for a long time and my instincts about such things are pretty good.

Let me leave you with some unsolicited advice from an older queer polyamorous kinkster. Don’t compare your sex life to others. If some erotic dissatisfaction does emerge, meditate on whether it’s because you personally struggle with it or is it anxiety produced by the sexuality version of keeping up with the Joneses. Find things as you get older that best feed whatever erotic desires you have, and remember that solo sex is still sex. Masturbation is a wonderful thing. Find other people like you and talk about this stuff. The more we expose what’s really going on in the minds and bodies of older sex and relationship adventurers, the more we’ll understand ourselves and each other, and the resulting sexuality we do end up experiencing will be far more satisfying, no matter how much or little that might be.

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