Growing Older in Kink
Aging is an unavoidable reality for everyone including kinksters. Accepting that reality and adapting accordingly can keep one’s erotic play and social life thriving.
About three years ago I wrote a version of this post for the blog section of an international gay men’s kinky hookup site. I think I’ve let enough time pass to offer you this version that’s been significantly revised since its original iteration.
When I posted “Getting Honest About Sexuality and Aging” about Janet W. Hardy’s wonderful book, I touched on some of the issues concerning getting older within the kink scene. In “Can Kink Ease a Slowdown of Libido?” I discussed employing a sexually adventurous mindset to ease a natural slowdown of libido as we age. Here I hope to expand on both of those and hopefully the additions are useful.
Actor George Clooney once said, “Growing old on screen is not for the faint of heart.” The same can be said for aging within any of the kink communities. While the gay kink world I navigate within the most tends to be rather welcoming of older members, I still deal occasionally with ageism from the mainstream gay communities. As I’ve had conversations with kinksters of all genders and orientations, I hear mixed feedback about how kinksters with many years under their belts face challenges the younger might not. Ageism is real. In life. In kink.
I’m certainly not saying younger kinksters don’t have their own challenges. They might experience economic disparities and perhaps less free time because they must work more than their older counterparts to make ends meet. Their needs and opinions might be dismissed by older kinksters. Younger tops or dominants are routinely discounted because it’s assumed they can’t possibly know enough to be skilled (which is bullshit). When it comes to leadership positions, younger kinksters often feel locked out of meaningful decision-making roles even though their youthful voices are needed to keep the scene thriving. We certainly need to collectively address all these problems, but the problems facing older kinksters are different and no less challenging.
While I acknowledge the challenges experienced by older kinksters, I also have to admit I have advantages other older kinksters might not. I’m well networked with more than five decades of active time in the scene. My community profile is high. I live in and travel to mostly dense urban cities with big gay and kink populations. As a result, I have regular access to connection opportunities. It would be disingenuous to not admit that I have access to people and social circles others might not simply because of these factors.
This makes it even more concerning when despite those privileges I experience roadblocks to my full sexual expression simply because of my age. I know many others are dealing with a higher level of rejection and dismissiveness. Older kinksters frequently tell me disheartening stories of how they are badly treated or struggle to find connection.
And there are definitely plenty of us older kinksters around. Do a search for 60-90 years of age on any of the hookup apps, including those catering to kinkier tastes, and you’ll see search results for a lot of older kinksters.
So, how might us older kinksters resolve some of the hurdles we encounter? As one source for inspiration I’ll reference philosopher Bertrand Russell’s iconic short essay, “How to Grow Old.”
If you have wide and keen interests and activities in which you can still be effective, you will have no reason to think about the merely statistical fact of the number of years you have already lived, still less of the probable shortness of your future.
How might this apply to kink? I contend that as one gets older, intentionally broadening our social circles, attraction types, and sexual and kink options improves both our likelihood of connecting and our overall level of erotic happiness.
If you are let’s say a gay guy of my age, 70, and only like certain physical types of guys ages 21-29, well, that’s a small pond in which to fish. Sure, sometimes attractions are somewhat hardwired into us, but I have broadened my types and interests over the years, and I’ve seen friends do the same. Those who do not seem to be the ones who continually complain about lack of play or socializing success. As one grows older, you may have to explore more types of people and ways of playing to attract enough partners.
Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with liking a certain age range, physical type, or specific kinks. If you get enough play with all that, go for it. But if you are growing older and find yourself butting up against barriers fostered by these personal restrictions, perhaps consider expanding your horizons. I find the best way to do this is to diversify the fantasies running through my head. It’s those fantasies that have fueled a lot of how I identify, function, and play within the kink scene. Mixing it up mentally, maybe during a good wank, tends to spawn new erotic explorations.
Older kinksters who want to bottom or sub seem to have a steeper hill to climb to find play than if they want to top or dom. Admittedly, I’ve heard from the more bottom leaning among us that they find it harder to connect and play than their top or dom counterparts, regardless of age. But older kinksters are often confronted with the assumed expectation that due to their age they will inevitably adopt a top or dom role. Trust me when I tell you that a large percentage of older kinksters want to bottom more than they do but feel compelled to adopt a top role if they want any action.
When I began to morph from a predominantly top and dom player into a more versatile one, exploring my bottom and sub side was significantly more difficult. Not only are younger tops and doms often reticent to play with older guys, but older tops and doms frequently leverage their role and skill set to play specifically with younger men which further solidifies that expectation within the scene.
Russell also writes this in his essay.
Psychologically there are two dangers to be guarded against in old age. One of these is undue absorption in the past. It does not do to live in memories, in regrets for the good old days, or in sadness about friends who are dead. One’s thoughts must be directed to the future, and to things about which there is something to be done. This is not always easy; one’s own past is a gradually increasing weight. It is easy to think to oneself that one’s emotions used to be more vivid than they are, and one’s mind more keen. If this is true it should be forgotten, and if it is forgotten it will probably not be true.
As for absorption in the past, so many of my older kinkster peers remain mired in how the scene was years or decades ago while simultaneously rejecting modern developments that have moved the kink communities in new directions. That’s a surefire recipe for unhappiness. Embrace modernity or suffer the pangs of stagnation.
Russell continues…
The other thing to be avoided is clinging to youth in the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality. When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives…
This manifests in a few ways among us older kinksters. First off, us older kinksters have to let go of the reins of power. It’s fine if people want to venerate their scene elders, but if those same elders grip tightly to their power and influence in the scene, the scene will not benefit. All movements and communities grow and thrive best when driven by the energies of the young. When an older kinkster lets a younger person take the lead, the younger respect them more because they feel respected. When younger people feel respected, they treat older people with more respect too and this can lead to more frequent intimate and social connections.
Attempting to cling to our youth when our bodies and experience place us clearly in our golden years is not only unattractive to witness, it also denies the upsides to being older. Wisdom. Experience. Play and social skills. Robust social networks. Peace of mind. These and many other possible benefits of being older should not be ignored. We can revel in the beauty of being older while at the same time recognizing we may have to be more strategic in how we live and play as kinksters.
The kink scene celebrates diversity within its ranks more than many other sectors of society. In areas where they have been less than welcoming, there’s always room for improvement. But I think it’s folly to assume the scene will adapt to us older people more often than we need to adapt to the scene as it is.
While the focus of this post is kink, the truth is growing older impacts everyone’s sex and erotic life to some extent. Again, adapting strategically to reality in ways that create the optimal level of sexual satisfaction is the way to go. Some amount of ageism is built into our culture and we sometimes have to creatively pivot to get our needs met.
Let me leave you with something I say often. “Age if you must, but don’t get old.”
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