Embracing Not Knowing

Maintaining a forever student mindset will serve you well.

Recently, I wrote about how “Arrogance Isn’t Sexy” and why when someone in the leather, kink, or any community that colors outside the lines sets themselves up as the ultimate authority about anything, they’re likely a person to be avoided. They will not have your best interests in mind.

But along with avoiding know-it-all people, we each individually should consider embracing the forever student mindset, continuing to learn and grow throughout our lives. That includes learning and growing as sexual outlaws and mavericks.

So much of what’s wrong with sexual identity communities such as leather and kink stems from the small cadre of people who proclaim levels of expertise and authority that they feel allows them to dictate how the rest of their community should be and function.

Whether it’s how to dress, play, identify, learn, advocate, or socialize, there’s always a small number of people who feel they can and should be able to control the erotic lives of others in some way. Thankfully, I contend they are the vast minority of people. Most people aren’t that arrogant.

Sure, some of us might fall prey to copycat mentalities and cooption tendencies that are often how cultures and subcultures organically morph and change over time. I’ve certainly done that. We all do and will. But once those mindsets turn to an elitist arrogance of knowing it all, things never go well, individually or as a community.

In F. Diane Barth’s “Why It's Important Not to Know Everything,” she talks about how we’re acculturated into wanting to appear that we know it all.

Research has shown that human babies have a natural curiosity and thirst for learning. Yet as we get older, we start to feel ashamed of “not knowing.”

Interestingly, that same sense of shame sometimes makes us dependent on others to tell us what’s right, without questioning what they know or whether what they are saying is really correct…

In some subcultures, leather and kink for example, there is often an inordinate weighting of knowledge and skill being a marker for where in the hierarchy a person resides on the community’s spectrum of rankings. This is, of course, not a good situation.

Perhaps it’s part of the human condition to want to project all-knowing expertise, but it’s a recipe for disaster in a community that on the one hand proclaims widespread acceptance of diversity and radical sexual views and practices but at the same time can unwisely elevate some people to near deification.

So, I’ll say this. When you read what I write or watch a video I’m in or hear me speak in person, don’t assume I know everything. I ask you to do the same with anyone you read or hear. Much like Barth mentions in her article, don’t assume anyone knows it all or is right or wrong about something. Be curious. Ask yourself what you think the person is saying, and what you think about what they are saying. Wrestle with it. Think deeply. Discuss it with others. Don’t blindly accept anything, even from the likes of writers and content creators like me.

One of the bedrocks of ancient philosophy, Socrates, considered admitting one’s ignorance a virtue.

I know one thing; that I know nothing.

Yes, we all know something, But Socrates wasn’t saying we know absolutely nothing, but rather that if we aren’t willing to challenge those things we already think we know, we’re doomed as people and we’re doomed as communities. Resting on knowledge laurels is a dangerous exercise.

Perhaps one of the reasons some fall victim to projecting all-knowing wisdom and competence is because it allays our fears of impostor syndrome. It happens to just about everyone. In “Dealing With Impostor Syndrome,” I mention that although most of us feel occasional pangs of impostor syndrome, we often don’t realize everyone else feels the same way now and then.

There is no way anyone can approach entering these realms and always feel 100% confident. Impostor syndrome doesn’t just befall newcomers. For most of us, our sexualities and the associated environments are always changing. We keep needing to learn and adapt if we want to avoid being an anachronism.

Perhaps you’re a skilled BDSM dominant with years of experience, and then you date some sexy person into rope bondage about which you know nothing. Blam! You’re a newcomer again. Impostor syndrome can happen anytime.

Peer pressures, cultural expectations, and our fears of seeming an impostor can lead us all into the treacherous know-it-all territory. We must resist those factors nudging us into an arrogance that’s both unattractive and at times dangerous if someone adopts someone’s misguided views as gospel.

Be a forever student. Keep your mind open. Question your own ideas rigorously as well as those of others. You’ll have a happier life, and I bet much better sex and connection within sexual communities.

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