Dealing With Impostor Syndrome

Despite most of us feeling the occasional pangs of impostor syndrome, we often don’t realize everybody else feels the same way now and then.

Imagine you walk into a kink event or venue. Leaning against a wall is an attractive person dressed in impressive full fetish gear, head to toe. The way they’re dressed signals they’re a top or dominant. They appear to be super kinky. You see them scanning the crowd with a serious demeanor, perhaps hunting for their next intimate encounter. Clearly, based on this person’s presentation, they’re an experienced kinkster who has been around for a while.

Most of us have seen this type of person. Now let’s imagine you’ve been granted direct access to what they’re thinking. Perhaps this is what’s actually going through their brain.

“I’m glad I just bought this outfit. I finally feel I might belong here, but what if people have seen me here before and realize the is my first time out in fetish gear.”

“I hope my decision to switch my signaling to top and dominant works out. Most of my fantasies and experience are of the bottom and submissive variety, but being new to the community I’m afraid of random hookups. I think doing it as a top will be safer.”

“That was a hot play session I did last night after buying all this gear. I pulled off being a serious dominant. At least I think I did. But I wonder if they picked up that I wasn’t as experienced as my new look indicated.”

“I’ve been doing kink for a while, but now that I’ve found this community and look the part, I’d hoped I would feel confident. I don’t. What’s it going to take to not feel like an impostor?”

Welcome to reality.

We’re all navigating the kink world using a fantasy construct that we make as real as we want, individually and collectively. Even the most serious of kinksters have built their personas, skills, and reputations on a foundation of fantasy made into whatever degree of reality works for them (and yes, fantasy can manifest in quite real ways).

Lots of kinksters abide by the “fake it till you make it” aphorism because that’s sometimes the only way to do this stuff. You try something, learn a bit, refine your persona and techniques, add to your toys and skills as you can, and hope no one calls you out as an impostor.

Right now someone reading this is thinking that no, that’s not how it should work. Instead, newcomers to kink and the more adventurous aspects of sexuality should not do anything quite yet. They should read a lot. They should attend classes and workshops. They should find a mentor. They should embed themselves deeply into the kink community they resonate with most. And so on.

Yes, those are all great things. I recommend them all the time myself. But the truth is most people find their path to kink and learn the ins and outs in somewhat random and disparate ways. It would be nice if every newcomer had at least a modicum of useful information and instruction before they proceed, but the number of people overall who engage in kink or edgier sexualities are far greater than the smaller subset who do a deep dive into the community and take advantage of experienced instruction.

That’s a bit of a digression, but I wanted to head off any possible blunting of the reality of impostor syndrome (sometimes spelled imposter) that so many people face.

Also, there are arguments put forth that impostor syndrome is not accurately named or is otherwise flawed. They might be correct. Still, it seems that the impostor syndrome label has stuck with our culture and most people know what it means when it’s uttered. Even the American Psychological Association admits its not a mental health diagnosis but exists as a phenomenon in society nonetheless.

Though the impostor phenomenon isn't an official diagnosis listed in the DSM, psychologists and others acknowledge that it is a very real and specific form of intellectual self-doubt. Impostor feelings are generally accompanied by anxiety and, often, depression.

Source

So, I’m going to use the term impostor syndrome here, but feel free to replace that with any of the normal self-doubts that creep into everyone’s mind now and then. Some experience such doubts more often than others.

I’ve been around the various kink communities for 50+ years. I’ve talked to countless people about this. I’m entirely convinced everyone suffers from some version of impostor syndrome, at least occasionally.

Impostor syndrome is a psychological term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. They discovered that despite external evidence to the contrary, some people remain convinced that they don’t deserve their reputations or success. People with impostor syndrome doubt themselves.

Of course, this happens in our kink world. How could it not? There is so much to know. It’s no wonder some people often feel like outright impostors.

I recall walking into a rope instruction workshop a few years ago. Back in the day, I was considered one of the better rope bondage practitioners around. People would comment all the time about my rope artistry and skills. I taught lots of classes. My work was lauded and photographed. But nowadays? I feel like my rope skills pale in comparison to so much of the rope work being done today. When I say I’m into rope bondage, it does feel occasionally like I’m a bit of an impostor. I know that’s not necessarily logical, but it’s how it feels.

We’re under pressure to learn, conform, and adapt to an ever-changing kink, sexuality, and identity landscape. Years ago, someone could own a few pieces of fetish clothing, know a handful of basic sexual techniques, and walk into any kink gathering and feel confident.

That has been upended by the rapid proliferation of information, connectedness, education, gear and toy choices, expanding BDSM options, and the compartmentalizing of our scene into smaller chunks of expertise and socialization – pups, rubber, power authority dynamics, rope riggers, and much more.

There is no way anyone can approach entering these realms and always feel 100% confident. Impostor syndrome doesn’t just befall newcomers. For most of us, our sexualities and the associated environments are always changing. We keep needing to learn and adapt if we want to avoid being an anachronism.

Perhaps you’re a skilled BDSM dominant with years of experience, and then you date some sexy person into rope bondage about which you know nothing. Blam! You’re a newcomer again. Impostor syndrome can happen anytime.

Tops, bottoms, and versatiles (switches) all experience impostor syndrome. The false notion that tops are supposed to know more than bottoms might lead you to believe it is mostly a top malady, but you’d be wrong.

“What if I can’t take as much as the top gives?”

“My sexual skills don’t match up with this top’s other playmates.”

“I told this dom I’m a sub, but I’ve only subbed a few times and I’m really not all that sure of myself.”

Such concerns of bottoms are just as plentiful as of tops. It’s part of the modern human condition that we sometimes don’t have faith in our abilities, including our own erotic narrative.

There are practical ways to alleviate temporary bouts of lack of confidence and they have some scientific backing. Some might fall under the “fake it until you make it” approach that’s good advice most of the time in life generally. That said, there are certainly things in life you should not fake without some good information or instruction. Brain surgery comes to mind.

Here are some confidence boosting tips.

Smile. Serious facial expressions might be hot in porn and erotic iconography, but smiles draw people in. It’s a bonus that researchers found people who intentionally smile have lower stress indicators than those who don’t.

Strike a hot power pose. Researchers found people who adopt a power stance reduced their stress.

Dress for success. How we dress and present ourselves matters. In this case, dressing in a hot and sexy way. It’s been found that clothing that has symbolic meaning can improve one’s overall performance.

Be a copycat. Go ahead and mimic the kinkster you admire. Research backs up that mimicking someone who displays the qualities and characteristics you want can improve your own outcomes.

Feign deep interest in someone. Use your eyes, touch, and voice. Pay close attention to them. While research in this realm mostly used romantic interest as the yardstick, creating a deep interest in a person was found to make the other person more likely to return the interest.

Fake confidence to get confidence. Those who pretended to have a sense of confidence ended up being assessed by others as more admired and were perceived as more assertive and proactive.

The podcast I do with my fellow castmates, On Guard Cigar Salon, did an episode on impostor syndrome you might find interesting.

If impostor syndrome makes an appearance in your life, please know you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. There are ways to push through it and enjoy this amazing scene of ours.

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