Arrogance Isn't Sexy

When someone in the leather or kink scene sets themselves up as the ultimate authority, back away. They don’t have your best interests in mind.

Every so often an example of extreme arrogance emerges within the leather community. I’m using the word leather as opposed to kink because I see these examples more often among leather-identified kinksters versus other sectors of kink.

Recently, someone posted on social media about an online mentorship group run by one person. Evidently, per the post, the administrator and overseer of the group has developed the group into a cult of personality presenting themselves as the ultimate authority.

I’ve said this before, but if anyone in the leather, kink, or fetish communities presents themselves as the ultimate authority about anything, back away from that person quickly.

I’ve seen this type of situation many times during my more than 50 years in the scene. Usually. it’s someone who presents as a dominant. For whatever reasons, now and then someone who presents as dominant attempts to elevate themselves by creating a sense of them knowing everything about being a “correct” leather person. (Insert eyeroll here.)

Yet again, let me reiterate there is no “correct” way to be a leather person, or kinkster of any kind, as long as it’s all consensual and fun.

Graylin Thornton, one of my closest friends and a castmate on our show, On Guard Cigar Salon, commented on the social media post and he’s granted me permission to replicate his comment here. I think Graylin’s words are wise and can’t be said too often.

I had back surgery a week ago and I’m on pain meds and bored. So, it’s the best time to chime in.

I happen to fall into the "old guard" age group as do most of my friends. Just to throw some crap into the wind since “lineage” is mentioned, I'm in various leather articles and columns in the Bay Area Reporter, dating back to 1987. Also. in the biographies of both Alan Selby (aka Mr, S) and Larry Townsend, author of The Leatherman's Handbook. I hope that qualifies me to speak as “old guard. ”

Cue: Eyeroll with attitude.

By the way, I don't really take this shit seriously which you would know if you’ve ever seen the podcast “On Guard Cigar Salon” that I do with my “old guard” friends.

Usually my conversations with “old guard” traditionalists go something like this:

Them: These beliefs and traditions are from “old guard.”

Me: Cute ceremony, but I don’t know of any “old guard” who actually did that,

Them: I learned these traditions from “old guard.”

Me: ‘Old guard” in general or specific old guards?

Them: Some random Daddy/Sir/Master/God passed this down/

Me: So, did you take their class at some event or were you with them most days of the week talking, playing, or fundraising for your local AIDS charity?

Them: ?

Most of the “old guard” I knew were either sick, taking care of the sick, or mourning. Playing every chance they got as if it might be their last. The leather men I knew taught me to survive. I picked up some of their beliefs and habits because I was with them every day. At no time did any of them EVER mention a “collaring” or “capping” or written contract or traditions. Although some of them may have done these things, it was not public knowledge, nor was it anything they expected other people to do.

Having spent the last 40 years in leather, I attended my first capping ceremony online about two years ago during the pandemic. It was beautiful and wonderful and I’m honored to have been included. I plan to attend my first collaring ceremony in a few weeks also online. I am honored and excited for the opportunity. Does one send a gift?

The Old Guard look is classic and reminds me of the men I knew. Therefore, I like it and think it’s hot. Alan Selby HATED sneakers. DUH, he founded Mr. S Leather. He was like our leather grandfather and if wearing boots made him happy then we wore boots. I still believe in wearing boots with leather. However, we didn’t really have sports gear or pups back then. So, things change. Who knows what I would be wearing if I were 26 years old today. And, who knows if Daddy Alan would let me.

When I won my title, I didn't own a lot of leather (there are pics) so I didn't wear a lot of leather. Back in the day it was considered wasteful and pompous and disrespectful to buy leather for a contest. Sorry, titleholders, but it's true. That $5000 could do a lot of good put elsewhere. I have a hell of a lot more respect for a contestant who stands up there in what he has owned for years knowing that he put other funds into his community or cause. (Oops, different soap box.)

What I've learned from my older friend, Race Bannon, is that younger people have access to information and ways of dress that we didn't. Some may skew towards what is familiar to older folk and some may skew the other direction. If someone wears something that doesn’t particularly work for me, then I won’t wear it. I also have the option of walking away. So many options other than telling people what they can and can’t wear or can and can’t do.

There is a time and place for everything. If you're going to an event that is more “traditional,” then show respect. We are creative people. If there’s a way to be respectful and stay true to ourselves, I’m sure we’ll make it work. Would you wear piss-soaked jeans and a bar shirt to your cousin's wedding? You might, but I’m black and they ain’t having it. Would you wear a suit or tuxedo to a piss party? OK, so maybe not the best example. Those are personal decisions. It's your right to wear whatever you want but if you decide to dress a certain way in certain situations you have to be prepared for backlash. Or simply don't go. So many options.

So now, it seems I've unintentionally written this long post which I will call “The Leather World According To Graylin”. And I do apologize. Like I said, I'm on pain pills and bored.

If you've read this far, I ask you to do one thing. Please stop blaming my generation’s “old guard” for all of the bullshit of certain people and their beliefs? Most of us don't get it, either.

Wise words. Thank you, Graylin.

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