What's Your Sexual Equation?
There can be many factors or elements that sum to an equation total that represents your current erotic fulfillment mindset.
One definition of an equation is (1) an element affecting a process, (2) a complex of variable factors (source). Lately, this is how I think of my own current sexual state and range of accompanying activities and relationships.
Recently I realized that my sexual needs, desires, interests, activities, and identities had shifted. When I reflected on the young gay kinky man of my 20s and 30s, viewing that period of my life through the lens of my 70-year-old self provided a fascinating perspective that I have changed considerably over time.
Of course, that’s to be expected. Change is the norm for everything and that also certainly includes our sexualities. Still, change can be difficult. We spend many years strongly identifying with a certain kind of sexual being and we’re taken aback when we realize that’s not necessarily who we are today.
How does the concept of an equation fit into this self-reflection? It feels to me like it’s a “complex of variable factors” with each of those factors an “element affecting the process” when it comes to my current erotic fulfillment mindset.
For example, one of those factors is age. Ask anyone who interacts with me in sexual subculture circles and they’ll likely extol my horniness, and for someone 70 I am indeed still fairly active. But it’s not like it used to be. The multiple times a day urges to masturbate or seek out release elsewhere have abated significantly. I still have an active sex drive. I still have an active sex life. I still mostly masturbate every day (it’s my natural sleep aid). But the urgency of all that has waned. Or to be more accurate, has shifted.
Frankly, it’s kind of calming. Not being the hyper-sexual creature I’ve been most of my life has opened space for other things. It’s pleasant to not feel my sex drive constantly compelling me 24/7/365 to think about or engage in sex of some sort.
Let me be clear though, I place no value judgment on any of the elements or factors, including age. They are simply facts, at least facts that exist inside me at this point in time. If someone is 10 times more sexually active than me, awesome for them. If they aren’t sexual at all or only at a fraction of my current level, awesome for them too. It’s all good.
Another factor I’ve observed is my increasing desire for deeper connection with the person with whom I’m engaging sexually. I wrote in “Am I Demisexual?” about this newly discovered need.
But how do I describe the fact that over the past many years I’ve begun to increasingly lean more in the demisexual direction even though I wouldn’t call myself definitely demisexual? There is no single word to describe my current state.
Regardless of the word or words used to describe how I feel, I’m clearly leaning toward wanting a deeper connection with my sexual partners than I required in the past. I recall being invited to a group play event recently and not being all that interested, but when a close play buddy wanted to go with me and stay connected while there, suddenly the event was interesting to me.
That said, I don’t rule out anonymous hookups, group situations, or any other manifestation of my desire at any one moment. I am nothing if not a walking conundrum sometimes.
Physicality is related to age, but qualitatively different. My 70-year-old brain has adjusted its erotic focus and needs while my body has a mind of its own sometimes. I might mentally want to do X but my body says “hmm, maybe not right now.” This can be my quickness to fatigue or my ongoing shoulder and knee issues that have me navigating through life with more physical care than I once did, including with my sexuality.
An upside, in my opinion, to my age and years of experience is that I find myself far kinkier than I was in my youth. My fantasies run a far larger gamut than before. It’s fun. You can indeed teach an old dog new tricks and I’m walking proof that it’s true. Without necessarily divulging the specific sexual activity, I’ve recently embarked on an exploration that is proving to be monumentally satisfying, doing something I would never have imagined I’d do 10 or 20 years ago.
Mixed together with the sexual is how I view and incorporate relationships into my life. I have a partner of many decades, two special men with whom I have ongoing longer-term intimate relationships, and an extended family of erotic and relationship adventurers for whom I often don’t have specific words with which I can easily describe them.
Why am I bothering to tell you this story from my own life?
Because I believe no two people have the exact same equation factors or summation. No two people have the same exact sexuality nor the relationships into which they’re woven.
Visually I might represent this approach to assessing my sexuality this way.
Age + Physicality + Connectedness + Fantasies + Relationships = Erotic Fulfillment Mindset
Perhaps there are other factors or elements that you consider an important part of your own equation. That’s to be expected. Much like there are no two sexualities or relationship configurations that are entirely alike, so might the factors when taken together differ from someone else.
Thinking of my sexuality in equation terms also allows me to consider “balancing” the equation as is best for me. Let’s say I have a serious physical injury that hampers my sexual endeavors. Maybe I increase the level of connectedness by erring on the side of play partners who can better accommodate the necessary physical adjustments, thus resulting in the summed erotic fulfillment mindset being similar to before.
Equations can also have multiplication or division operations applied to the factors and elements. For example, my typical physicality can accommodate a robust and limber romp for hours, but a sudden injury can divide that state significantly. My need for connectedness might remain as it is until I suddenly fall for a new person and that crush phase can act as a multiplier to that connectedness.
We are all unique creatures. Our uniqueness is our allure. Our uniqueness is our power. Revel in who you are and where you’re at because there’s no one right way to view or experience your sexuality or relationships – just your way.
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