Am I Demisexual?

Thinking about whether I’m demisexual or not emphasizes the often-imprecise nature of the words we use.

Until just a few years ago I’d never heard the term demisexual. The Urban Dictionary defines the word this way.

Sexually attracted to people only after a strong emotional bond has been formed.

Lately, the word is frequently used when people want to indicate that they need more than a fleeting connection to someone to be sexual with them.

Per the official definition, no, I’m not entirely demisexual. I certainly feel sexual attraction to many people (men specifically in my case) without necessarily having a deep bond of some sort with them.

But how do I describe the fact that over the past many years I’ve begun to increasingly lean more in the demisexual direction even though I wouldn’t call myself definitely demisexual? There is no single word to describe my current state.

Therein lies the problem with descriptive terms. It conjures a truth I’ve uttered many times over the past decades when it comes to describing the impreciseness of language.

Words are always at best an approximation of what it is they are trying to describe. They are inexact representations.

Why am I mentioning this?

First, acknowledging that language is imprecise helps us realize that just because a term exists and someone uses it doesn’t mean it necessarily describes them fully. It may simply be the best word they know how to use. I have many friends who define themselves as demisexual, yet we’ve been out at an event and I’ve witnessed them overtly cruising a complete stranger.

Second, we should all take a pause and consciously decide what words we’re going to use to describe ourselves to ensure we don’t transmit the wrong impression. If someone describes themselves as demisexual, I’m likely to not indicate erotic attraction to them at all unless they’re someone I already know extremely well. That might not be the message a self-identified demisexual wants to send, or perhaps it is, but being aware of these grey areas can help us better self-identify with the best language we know how to use.

Third, while we should take everyone at their word when they self-identify a certain way, we should try to not necessarily mentally box them into a rigid categorization. Perhaps over time as we get to know someone, we’ll realize they might not be exactly what we think the word means, or maybe that’s just them some of the time but not all the time.

So, am I demisexual? I guess the best answer is “it depends” on the time, place, person, and my mood.

To become more familiar with demisexuality, here’s a Watts the Safeword podcast on the topic.

Also check out “4 Demisexual People Explain What ‘Demisexuality’ Means To Them.”

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