The Ultimate Technique
Why having a good time is the ultimate litmus test for whether one’s sexual play is on the right track
When you attend any of the various local, national, or international kink or leather events, you’ll often encounter an offering of classes on a wide variety of kink play techniques. Clubs and organizations within those sexual communities often host such training sessions as well. Why? Because to engage in some types of erotic play requires information and training to do it safely. The more complex and risky the type of play, the more education and practice you need.
Classes on technique are good and I’m glad they’re available. We’re better off because of them. The downside is that I fear there are times when the excessive emphasis on physical technique overshadows more important matters. So, to counter such emphasis, I offer what I refer to as “the ultimate technique.”
The technique is quite simple. Just do one thing. Here it is.
No matter what you’re doing or how much you do or don’t know about what you’re doing, always try to make sure everyone involved is having a good time.
OK, I know. That’s not exactly earth-shattering advice. Seems like common sense and it is, but common sense isn’t always so common. I’m always amazed when folks tell me one of their erotic play session endeavors goes awry and they decide it was their technique or level of experience at fault. Maybe it was. If so, they need to correct their skills. But I think more often than not it’s that those involved did not follow the ultimate technique advice.
Think of how many sexual or erotic scenes would be saved from mediocrity by the partners simply checking in occasionally with each other to make sure everything is working. “Are those ropes too tight?” “How does that feel?” “Faster or slower?” “Are you enjoying yourself?” You get the idea. These can also be framed as simply good sexual manners. Sort of a sexual version of “Yes, Please, and Thank You.”
Nowadays consent is at the forefront of discussions within kink communities. That’s good. I alluded to the current emphasis on consent in my Keeping Things Safe and Consensual post. If you keep the ultimate technique in mind, consent usually tends to flow quite naturally from the starting place of making sure everyone is having a good time. Sure, there can be more that goes into making sure certain erotic play is safe, but leading with the objective of everyone having a good time makes applying safety measures much easier.
For whatever reason, it’s sometimes difficult for many of us to check in with our partners to make sure everything’s working as it should. Even when a simple question tossed in amidst the sex might be the difference between adequate and great sex, so many of us seem reluctant to utter the words. But utter them we must.
In the BDSM and power dynamics realm of the kink communities, I think some of the reluctance to check in with partners is fearing one’s expertise or competence might be in question. Our kink scene elevates highly skilled and longtime players to a revered status. That can lead to some people hesitating to adequately check in with partners for fear of appearing less than competent. That’s not good. We all need to put our egos aside periodically and do the right thing by making sure everyone we’re playing with is having a good time.
And don’t forget yourself. You are supposed to be having a good time too! If your partner is but you’re not, you need to let that be known. Everyone in all aspects of erotic play deserves to have the best time possible. Otherwise, why do it?
Take all the technique classes you want. Just remember that by making the ultimate technique a standard part of your sexuality you’ll always stay focused on what we all should be focused on in the first place – mutual pleasure and fun.
Book – Blue Movie
Every so often a book comes along that metaphorically knocks you off your feet. Blue Movie by Stephan Ferris, also known in the adult industry as Blue Bailey, is that sort of book.
Unbound Edition Press, the publisher of the book, offers this summary.
Blue Movie is a horror show come to life. It is one written and cast from the darkest corners of the Internet. In it, readers will witness the brutal unmaking of a human, the terrifying collapse of hope, and the drug-fueled spiral leading to disaster. A sadistic Nazi, a dungeon death, and an arrest for murder are just a few of the shocking moments in this collection of 77 scenes from the life of a sexual outlaw. And, of course, there are surprises around every corner, including a naked, wandering, and blood-covered zombie on the sidewalks of Brooklyn. Stephan Ferris, an activist attorney also known as gay adult star Blue Bailey, stares down the devil — himself — and gets his hellish existence refocused on recovery and serving his community. But are the monsters gone? Has the terror ended? We are left knowing only that everything could shatter into shards in one white cloud of smoke.
The esteemed Kirkus Reviews included this tagline when they published their review of the book.
This account of sex and substance abuse pulls no punches as it shocks and enlightens.
Many other publications such as the Bay Area Reporter have published similarly great reviews. Jim Piechota says this about the book.
Nothing evokes a more visceral reaction from a reader than when a memoir is written with obvious sincerity, vulnerability, and candor, regardless of the consequences, and with the kind of explicit detail that's impossible to gloss over.
That is certainly the case in San Francisco activist attorney and former adult entertainer Stephan Ferris's debut memoir that chronicles his life in 77 unflinching and graphically depicted scenes.
I was honored to have been asked to provide some early feedback on an advance galley release of the book. When the publisher sent me the PDF of the book galley by email, I opened the PDF attachment, started reading, and didn’t close the file until I read the entire book. Yes, it’s that captivating.
The book’s content might be most relatable among queer and kinky readers. However, I think anyone with an open mind who wants an unvarnished, transparent, and honest read from someone who decided to bleed their truth onto the page will enjoy this book.
Some might charge me with bias since Stephan is a close friend. That’s fair. But those who know me are aware that my tendency when I don’t like a work like this is to simply shut up and remain silent. When I take the time to tout something, it means I really do like it.
I don’t think I’ve encountered another book quite like this one. You can buy Blue Movie here.
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