Solo Kinksters

Sometimes kink cultures can elevate certain types of relationships and connections in an idealized way and that isn’t always a good idea.

Recently, I was watching a video of a TED Talk delivered by Peter McGraw. McGraw is a well-known advocate for those of us who choose to live life solo (single). He hosts a popular podcast, Solo: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life, and he wrote the book Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own.

I’ve followed McGraw’s work for a while and respect that he’s an important voice advocating for those among us who choose to remain single or otherwise operate independently of a married or traditional committed partnership.

When I examined my life in hindsight, I realized that my own path, had I been exposed to the concept early in life, would likely have been as solo poly.

I have no desire to be younger. I think wisdom comes with age and I like myself a lot these days. But if I were to rewind my life to a much younger age and know what I know now and understand myself the way I do today, I'd likely function as a solo polyamorist. Mentally, that's how I see myself.

As I watched the McGraw video (which I recommend you do), my mind was connecting the dots between our societal obsession with marriage and traditional partnerships and what I consider the subset of frequent kink culture obsession with being collared or in some sort of "official" power dynamic relationship. I thought to myself, “but solo works for kinksters too.”

I’ve written a lot about relationships, both within the kink and polyamory spheres, and generally. I’ve even written directly about the topic of being solo in a partnering obsessed world in “Honoring Singlehood.”

We live in a culture that worships at the altar of paired and officially sanctioned relationships, but we also worship partnering of any kind over what some consider the worst of possible situations, being single.

That needs to stop. Personally, I know many people who are single and prefer to remain that way. Many of them have been single for years or decades and are quite happy without an official relationship of any kind.

I stand by that perspective, but I think sometimes the general cultural fixation on marriage and partnering trickles over into the various permutations of kink communities and does a disservice to people in those communities who don’t want to officially partner in any way.

This can sometimes cause problems. I wrote about collars specifically in “The Allure of Collars” because I’ve seen that specific symbol become so pervasive within kink culture.

In certain kink networks, collars are seen by some as a sort of status symbol. Much like when people thrust out their engagement or wedding ring fingers at parties for all to see to signal they’re officially “taken” (I know not every engaged or married person does this), some within kinky circles yearn for collars because they want to belong, they want to be seen as part of the inner sanctum of kinksters, they want to be viewed as someone worthy of being collared.

In my opinion, that is a terrible reason to wear or seek a collar. Far too often I see people seeking the collar itself more than the representation of the bond with the person bestowing it. Different strokes for different folks, but I stand by my belief that if a collar is a symbol of a relationship of any kind, it’s the relationship itself that’s most important, not the outward signaling of that relationship.

I’ve had a wonderful man collared for 13 years. My partner and I started our 34-year relationship with him collared to me for about three years. I use collars sometimes in my play to signify short-term control. But I hope I and anyone with whom I’m connected never sees it as any sort of idealized symbol of a kink connection. It’s just another type of connection. Not better, not worse than any other.

Anyway, back to kinksters operating solo. I think it’s really important to proliferate the notion that any kinkster who wants to can function quite fine as a solo entity within the various communities. Yes, socialization and play within communities can foster connectedness, safety, and shared values. Those are important. But that doesn’t mean that we should intentionally or unconsciously foster the idea that being officially connected to another kinkster in a sanctioned or traditional way is something for which kinksters should strive. If it happens and makes someone happy, great. If a kinkster prefers to embark on their kink path as a solo adventurer, that’s good too.

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