I'm Solo Poly

Offering people the option to consider solo polyamory as one of many relationship style choices broadens the ways people can be optimally happy with their romantic partners.

When people ask me to describe my current perspective on how I view my relationships, I tell them the best description is that I’m solo polyamorous (solo poly) and a relationship anarchist.

I’m going to leave discussing relationship anarchy for another post. Here I’d like to discuss solo poly.

What is solo poly?

In “Does 'solo polyamory' mean having it all?,” Jessica Klein describes solo poly this way.

At its core, solo polyamory refers to people who are open to dating or engaging in multiple meaningful relationships without having a ‘primary partner’: one person to whom they’re committed above all other partners. Instead, the solo polyamorist might see themselves as their own primary partner, eschewing typical relationship goals, like merging finances or homes with a partner, and getting married and having children.

That’s a good description, but like all words that name things, they’re usually only an approximation of what it is they’re trying to represent. Within those words are often more nuanced subset versions of the larger category.

When people mention the man I’ve been in a relationship with for longer than any other in my lifetime, and who is still my partner today, they will often refer to him as my primary partner. Typically, I let them. Haggling over verbiage specifics isn’t always a tussle I consider worth undertaking in most situations. But I don’t like to use the primary partner term when referring to him. It feels like using the word primary automatically relegates every other relationship I might have to secondary status and that feels icky in my brain.

I have no desire to be younger. I think wisdom comes with age and I like myself a lot these days. But if I were to rewind my life to a much younger age and know what I know now and understand myself the way I do today, I'd likely function as a solo polyamorist. Mentally, that's how I see myself.

I'd still be with my partner, but we'd live separately, probably near each other or even in the same building. I've done that before with partners twice in my life and I enjoyed it.

I'd still date the two men I've been dating for a while (one for 11 years and another for 2 years).

I'd still have my few close friends who are also sometimes my sexual and romantic intimates.

But I would likely do all that while living alone and functioning more autonomously, even if that meant living a much simpler and scaled back life than I do today.

Sometimes people ask why we have all these different names for differing relationship styles and mindsets. We need them because evolving language and the ideas they represent create containers into which we place expectations. Expectations of others and expectations of ourselves.

Give people only the monogamy container and they'll try to squeeze their life into that container no matter what because they've been given no other option.

Give people the non-monogamy container and some people will embrace that option because the language and idea grant them permission to consider it.

Give people the polyamory container and some people will embrace that option because more than one romantic love relationship works better for them.

Give polyamorists the solo poly container and some people will decide that's the version of polyamory that works best for them.

I have no doubt new words and ideas will emerge as society continues to put forth new ideas (containers) into which people can place their romantic relationship expectations.

Language describes ideas. New ideas offer new options. New options give individuals the ability to be their most authentic selves, including for their relationships.

As alluded to earlier, solo poly isn’t a rigid container. Klein references nuanced forms of solo poly.

Since solo polyamorists are a minority identity, misconceptions about their lifestyles abound. From people who equate solo polyamory to monogamists dating around until they find 'the one', to those who consider it a selfish or greedy move, like 'having your cake and eating it, too', there’s a tendency to overlook the term’s more nuanced definition. Ultimately, it boils down to stepping off what’s known as the heteronormative 'relationship escalator', and opting for an alternative way to engage in romantic and sexual partnerships.

When I write or speak about non-monogamy, polyamory, or any of the many ways of looking at and being in relationships, by no means am I seeking converts. I don’t believe in evangelism for most things in life. I adopt a much more attraction versus promotion attitude. But I do think it’s important to continue to create containers into which people can position their relationships in ways that best serve them.

Choices are good. Choices give people freedom. Freedom fosters contentment.

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