Sexual Pleasure versus Sexual Happiness

Casual sexual pleasure can be wonderful, but sometimes people might need a deeper sense of sexual happiness.

I’ve historically been quite sexually active. From my younger years until just a few years ago my partners and friends all knew I liked having lots of sex and erotic play. I’ve never regretted embracing those tendencies.

That said, my approach to sex has shifted somewhat. I’m still a rather horny guy for 70 years of age, but apart from expected physical adjustments, my mindset has also moved toward less frequency of encounters. Among those encounters I also seem to require a deeper level of connection than I used to which I wrote about in “Am I Demisexual?

Per the official definition, no, I’m not entirely demisexual. I certainly feel sexual attraction to many people (men specifically in my case) without necessarily having a deep bond of some sort with them.

But how do I describe the fact that over the past many years I’ve begun to increasingly lean more in the demisexual direction even though I wouldn’t call myself definitely demisexual? There is no single word to describe my current state.

Recently I wrote a post on my Musings from a Curious Mind newsletter page, “Why Pleasure Isn't Always Happiness.”

After writing that post, it made me wonder if part of my move toward demisexual and fewer frequent sexual encounters might have something to do with me needing a more fulfilled type of happiness when it comes to my sexuality.

The gist of what Thomson is getting at in the video is that the most meaningful and fulfilling types of happiness are often the result of some struggle. He uses the example of raising children, not always a pleasant endeavor but ultimately an extremely fulfilling one for most parents. Having to wrestle with life, to exert effort and maintain resolve, can lead to far deeper feelings of happiness than mere pleasures can elicit.

Relating this to sexuality, I wonder if the quick and easy sexual pleasures, while certainly fun, might not always satisfy us as much as we imagine they should. Perhaps some of us, at least some of the time, seek out encounters that engender a deeper sense of overall sexual happiness. Plus, people change over time. Our desired levels and types of sexual encounters might wax and wane or change entirely as we live our lives.

Here is where I insert a strong caveat. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any consensual sex between adults whether it’s of the one-night hookup variety, between life partners, or any other of the many variations. I would never suggest that casual sex is bad or wrong. I think it’s beautiful and correct for many of us.

However, maybe for some of us we are searching for more connected sexual encounters that manifest a fulfilled happiness per our current needs and desires. Again, under no circumstances should a value judgment be placed on any amount or type of consensual sex between adults. But I think it’s useful to consider that everyone’s needs differ, and the same person might have differing needs over time.

Alluding to the “struggle” mentioned that can foster a deeper sense of happiness, maybe highly connected and intimate sexual encounters are a parallel to those struggles. Casual, one-time hookups don’t require a heavy lift in terms of emotional landscape management, day-to-day changes in mood, or any of the other things more bonded connections might offer. They can still be awesome. But they are different.

This also made me wonder about kinky sex. Those who navigate within any of the kink communities are aware of the common standard of deciding on limits, establishing safety guidelines such as safe words, and generally negotiating between partners to make sure everyone’s having a good time. That’s a bit of “struggle” compared to a quick hookup with a stranger down the street.

My suggestion for decades has been having as much sex as you want. If everyone’s having a good time, go for it. If that means you have sex every day, awesome. If that means you have sex rarely, but you feel happy and fulfilled, awesome. No matter how much sex you have, it might be worth periodically asking yourself if the amount of sex is leading to your happiest possible state. There is no single correct answer to that question based on quantity of sex, just the answer that’s best for you.

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