My New Kink Mantra
Sometimes a concise, wise phrase or saying, what I’m calling a mantra, can help us be better people and act better toward others, and this is true for kinksters too.
During my 50+ years in the kink and leather world I’ve adopted a number of mantras that have guided me as I’ve navigated the scene from neophyte to what I hope is a wiser and experienced kinkster. Each mantra has proven useful.
Some might not call these mantras. A mantra is typically considered a type of mystical incantation or an often-repeated prayer. In my case, it’s simply something concise I consistently repeat to myself to guide my mindset and behavior.
In a past newsletter post, “Keeping Things Safe and Consensual,” I listed a number of what I consider kink community mantras that have served us well, overall as a set of kink communities and individually.
These are: Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC); Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink (RACK); Personal Risk, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK); and Committed, Compassionate, and Consent (CCC). All useful. Abiding by any of them will likely help a kinkster maintain a respectful mindset and maintain a reasonable level of safety in what they do. I have no negative views about any of these.
That said, recently my friend Pup Amp of Watts the Safeword uttered a phrase during an episode of On Guard Cigar Salon, “Being Trans in the Kink Community,” an episode that’s been extremely well received, that has me adding yet another mantra to my quiver of guidance to improve me as a kinkster.
That mantra is Intent, Mindfulness, and Respect. Since we love our acronyms, I’ve labeled this IMR, but regardless of whether that acronym is utilized by others, it helps me remember it and keep it at the forefront of my mind.
Why do I like this so much?
In a set of kink communities that can often feel like a risky minefield of people ready to angrily pounce and correct or chastise someone for not speaking or acting in the exact prescribed ways the correcting or chastising person believes one should, the concept of intent sometimes gets lost.
That loss of intent can then effectively silence someone afraid to engage in discourse or improve their behavior. That stifles learning and growth which can ultimately hurt the community overall because the person who feels silenced or ridiculed might then retreat away from the community. What could have been a learning or growth moment now pushes someone away who might have otherwise spoken or acted a bit better if they had been gently informed rather than making them feel aggressively attacked.
I think intent matters. If someone says something to me that feels verbally inappropriate or socially clumsy, I believe I’m going to get much better results by approaching them, in person or online, with a smile and loving attitude seeking to help rather than harm. Same goes for when I witness someone engaged in erotic play that falls afoul of what I consider safe parameters. This has proven true in my own life. I’d bet money those who do the same have similar good results.
I slip up now and then. I’ve verbally pummeled some people, but in virtually every case I’ve later regretted it.
Mindfulness is a concept that’s been popularized lately in every sphere from spirituality to corporate management. In short, mindfulness is simply attempting to remain aware of our responsibilities to individuals and society by being lovingly present in the moment.
Staying mindful as much as we can tends to improve our lives. It makes us better people. It makes us better citizens. It makes us better kinksters. The more present and mindful I remain with my actions, my words, and my behaviors, the more readily I can transform myself into a better person and kinkster.
Respect is something I hope everyone can get on board with. Respecting ourselves, Respecting others. Respecting community. I’m not sure how anyone could argue that respect doesn’t elicit better responses from others.
Perhaps because I’m so deep in the weeds of kink community ideas and phrases, the IMR mantra might simply be appealing to me because of its newness. I have no illusion others will adopt it. I offer it here just in case someone reading this also finds it useful.
Let’s consider other people’s intent when they say or do something. Let’s remain mindful of our words and actions and those of others. Let’s respect ourselves and others. I believe if we do these things, it encapsulates the spirit of all the other mantras our scene has embraced.
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