Love From Afar
Long distance relationships can be difficult but there are things you can do to make the experience easier and more satisfying.
Let me start this post about long distance relationships (LDRs) with a confession. I’m not very good at them. I say that as someone who is in relationships with two men who both happen to live in Palm Springs, California (about 500 miles from my home city of San Francisco). At least they’re both in the same city, which does make things easier at times. But the truth is I’m only marginally good at doing the heavy lifting in such relationships. I’m trying to get better at it. Thankfully my partner of 34 years is incredibly supportive of me dating others so that doesn’t add to the difficulty. I’m quite grateful for all of that.
That said, both men with whom I’m involved from a distance are stellar guys who don’t appear to hold my shortcomings against me. I try to visit Palm Springs regularly, but life has gotten in the way lately and I haven’t been there much the last few months. Hopefully I can correct that soon.
But the point I’m making is that while I’m writing here about LDRs, perhaps I’m writing this as much to improve my own skills as I am to inform and inspire my readers.
In “How to make a long-distance relationship work,” research psychologist and psychotherapist Charlie Huntington offers some excellent advice.
It could help to know that these relationships are relatively common and well-researched. Much is known about how people effectively maintain a strong relationship across large expanses of time and space, and I’m going to share that knowledge with you in this Guide. The tips you’ll encounter here work for couples who live 10 time zones apart, and for those who live an hour apart, like my partner and I do. These tips have helped the couples I see in therapy to manage both shorter and longer periods of time apart. They can assuage the worries you might have, help you manage the real challenges that come with living apart, and set you up for a fulfilling and sustainable connection.
One of the insights Huntington offers is that research suggests people in LDRs are as or more satisfied with their relationships as are people who live together or near each other. Huntington points out that there can be advantages to living apart. For many years, I chose to live apart from a 14-year partner. We only lived together for two of those 14 years, and when we did, we quickly reverted back to living apart because we found it best for our relationship.
Huntington suggests people make sure they share a long-term vision for the relationship. I do not ascribe to the notion that all relationships are meant to last forever. So that can also be part of the shared vision too or at least acknowledge that the perceived quality of the relationship isn’t dependent upon its length.
Ask questions like whether you are going to live together in the future (or again if you already have before) and if so where, and what is each party willing to do to come to that result.
This might be a good time for you to decide if you want to live with anyone at all. Many people don’t, and that’s entirely fine. As I’ve matured over the years, I’ve come to realize that my inherent nature is close to solo poly and were I to rewind my life I might have configured it differently to always live alone. I value autonomy. I don’t appear to need cohabitation to solidify a relationship. Everyone is different, but don’t always assume the societal norm of eventually living together is always best for you. Think about it.
Let me also mention that sometimes whether two people want to remain monogamous or not or consider polyamory as a relationship approach can impact decisions about living together or not.
Huntington offers some other excellent advice on what couples can do when they’re together and apart to make the LDR arrangement better. I recommend reading the article. It’s quite good.
To gather some feedback from my on social sphere, I asked my online followers this question: “I'm writing an article about long distance relationships. If you’re currently or have been in one, any advice you'd give to others?” They provided lots of answers. Here are a few themes that emerged.
It’s not unique to LDRs, but the need for clear, transparent, and regular communication came up a lot.
Much like the common advice I see when polyamory is discussed, many suggested keeping a common calendar so both (or more) of the people in the relationship know when there is free time in the future when you can possibly connect. Another related suggestion that came up often is to always have the next in-person visit scheduled so you can each look forward to it and plan accordingly.
Technology can be your friend. The ability to have regular video chats, phone calls, and text message exchanges can keep you connected. One of the men I have been in a relationship with for 12 years sends me a good night text every single night. He hasn’t missed a night in 12 years. I try to always respond, but even if I don’t, it makes me feel incredibly good when I get those texts.
Especially if you have an open relationship, but even if it’s closed, do your best to separate envy from jealousy. They are distinctly different. Try to differentiate if you’re feeling insecure or you don’t trust the other person.
When you do spend time together keep it as intentionally connected as possible. Make the most of the time you have.
There was a lot of other good advice, but these were some of the most common suggestions. One thing I’ll add is to get good at finding cheap airline flights if you live far from each other. You don’t want to have your LDR be financially burdensome because that will be a drag on the relationship.
If you’re in or might someday be in a LDR, hopefully this advice helps.
You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work. My content is usually open and free to view, but for those who are able your paid subscription (click the Subscribe button) or patron support are always appreciated.