Be Erotically Here Now

The more you can be fully present in the moment with your sexual and relationship experiences, the more you’ll enjoy them.

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming there’s a good chance you’re what I refer to as an erotic adventurer, someone who explores their sexuality as a vast frontier of pleasures to be discovered. Or perhaps you’re someone who explores the growing varieties of relationship configuration possibilities. Perhaps you exist within both of those camps.

The range of activities, events, kinks, groups, relationship styles, and communities is extensive for someone who is sexual adventurous or looking to explore some version of non-monogamy. Each day the options seem to grow and expand.

I recall my experience as a young leatherman (our word for a gay male kinkster back in the day, and a term still often used today) in the late 70s, exploring kink within the gay men’s community. There were a few bars catering to us. Some sex clubs. The occasional party or social gathering. Our only other means of communicating with potential kink partners were classified ads in the back of the handful of gay and kink publications, or perhaps a referral from someone we trusted. Our options were limited.

Nowadays the situation is quite different. Gone are most of the bars that catered to kinky gay men as well as most sex clubs. But everything else seems to be multiplying like rabbits.

Of course, more options is good, at least usually. But what more options does is drastically increase the FOMO many of us experience. The abundance of options means we always know we’re missing out on something.

Recently I was reading a post by Oliver Burkeman, one of my favorite writers because he approaches life from such a wise perspective. The post was “You can’t hoard life” and while reading it I realized it applies to our sexualities and relationships as much as it does anything else.

On the days I let myself move through life in this unclenched way, things tend to feel much more naturally enjoyable. Not because I’m trying to make myself appreciate them, or self-consciously “feel grateful” for them – but simply because I’ve (temporarily) suspended the other agenda that was getting in the way.

There’s that word again – agenda. So many of us who navigate within kink are encouraged to approach our sexualities with an agenda. In fact, my last post on this newsletter page was “Avoiding a Sexual Agenda.” Another post of mine, “Clean Slate Sex,” speaks to the same suggestion to avoid rigid sexual agendas.

Don’t get wrong. I am not under the silly notion that one can entirely wipe out one’s preferred sexual choices. That’s not possible. Every time we masturbate or get turned on there is a script running through each of our minds that spews forth in graphic detail the exact scenarios and types of people that get us off the most.  That is what it is.

However, I feel that if we consciously suppress those defaults, even for a few moments, and instead choose to approach potential sexual partners with as much of a clean slate as possible, it reaps substantial rewards.

Having an agenda is yet another way we remove ourselves from the joy of a specific moment.

I try to avoid agendas, but even I often fail at doing that. Of course, I know that much of how we function sexually or in relationships is societally ingrained programming that’s difficult to counter. Maybe some of it doesn’t need to be countered. When I’m staring at a ruggedly handsome 60-something man with grey hair and a certain countercultural look, my partner often looks over at me and says “Well, that’s certainly your type.” He’s correct. But that said, I try to consciously look past my default blinders to see if there are other types of men I find attractive, and I do. Same for the types of sexualities I enjoy or how I might configure a newfound poly relationship.

So, whatever types of sex or relationships you pursue, try to embrace the experience as entirely as you can in that moment. Focus on the joy of the erotic encounter or great companionship of a wonderful person in your life. Lately, this has become my most given advice when people ask me how I suggest they explore kink, polyamory, or anything within the sexual or relationship realms – be present. It helps everything be better.

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