Avoiding a Sexual Agenda

Keeping your mind open to exploring a range of erotic possibilities rather than being rigidly attached to only one form of sexual activity or situation scenario can improve your overall sex life.

One of the advantages of getting older is that hopefully we get wiser. A bit of wisdom I’ve gleaned from my years of experience is to try and approach sex and all erotic play with a minimum of an agenda.

The human mind is an amazing thing. It can construct astoundingly complex and nuanced sexual scenarios that can imprint on us and form the basis for our many interests and kinks. This is a good thing – to a point. It also has a downside.

I wrote about this same topic from a different perspective in “Clean Slate Sex.” In that post I “come clean” (so to speak) that I’ve had my own issues with attaching too closely to specific sexual outcomes.

I’m not sure when I shifted to more rigid fantasy scenarios. It just happened. Unconsciously. Insidiously. Over time, my fantasies solidified into a vastly reduced subset of activities and ways of positioning my mind when engaging in erotic play. I found I no longer assessed the person upon first connecting, but rather assessed their list, whether that list was offered as text on their online profile or the list they vocalized to me upon first meeting. Once I became conscious of this tendency, it struck me as entirely backward.

Generally, I’m a lot better about this these days, but the tendency to start narrowing the lens through which I see my own sexual satisfaction occasionally appears again and I have to intentionally resist going down that path.

So, yes, the downside of rigid sexual agendas is that they can encourage us to see the world of erotic possibilities in a myopic way. We sometimes end up focusing so closely on a very specific and precise desired scenario that we end up missing out on the endless other variations or alternatives that we might enjoy just as much or more if we gave them a chance.

You can also see this type of agenda playing out rather blatantly in many online profiles on the various hookup sites. Profile wording like the following is fairly common:

Seeking someone 28-33 years old, 5’10” to 6” tall, blond hair, smooth, clean shaven, into tight leather restraint with lots of his own gear and a playroom, who is a highly experienced and real player, and is willing to commit immediately to a dom/sub relationship with no limits.

Does someone have the right to post such wording in their profile? Of course they do. But often that same person is shocked when they get no responses or when someone who does respond doesn’t measure up to their expectations.

It’s great to have fantasies. We all have certain activities and types of people we like. But when we allow our sexual agenda to take over our erotic lives to the point where we’re setting ourselves up for our own disappointment, a rethink might be in order.

Absolutely pursue the sexuality you want and enjoy. At the same time, lighten up on your agenda and perhaps you’ll be happier with the results. I know I am.

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