Why Curiosity Matters
Developing a sense of curiosity is a vital skill for those exploring or navigating within sexuality or relationship communities.
Recently I was reading the newsletter from Greater Good Magazine, the publication arm of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, a science-based center that studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being and teaches skills that foster a thriving, resilient, and compassionate society.
The article that I read was “Why Curious People Have Better Relationships.” Before I even read the article, the title alone made me realize that what I was likely to read was going to be true.
For years I’ve said one of the most important life skills is robust curiosity. This applies to everything in life, but it most certainly also applies to sex and relationships.
I contend that the more curious one is about one’s sex and relationships partner(s), and about the many variations of sex and relationships, the better the sex and relationships are going to be. Instinctually, that always made sense to me.
Since many of my readers frequent sexuality and relationship communities that veer from the commonly accepted sex and relationship norms, curiosity seems like an even more important component. If someone is going to embrace kinky and adventurous sex or open or polyamorous relationships, it feels like curiosity is going to be a truly beneficial characteristic to foster.
Something I’ve discovered over time is that most everyone likes to talk about themselves, their interests, their passions, their skills, and so on. It’s no different in the world of sex and relationships. Want to increase your social connections? Demonstrate deep curiosity about other people.
Studies have found that people who are curious are often viewed in social encounters as more interesting and engaging, and they are more apt to reach out to a wider variety of people. In addition, being curious seems to protect people from negative social experiences, like rejection, which could lead to better connection with others over time.
When someone asks me for advice about how to develop better social connections within sexuality or alternative relationship communities, the best advice I can give is to suggest they become as curious as possible about other people in those communities.
Don’t be an annoyance. Few people want to be your only information source for something. But just about anyone will answer a question or two. If you’re lucky, they might offer to provide a deeper dive into whatever aspect of sexuality or relationships you’ve shown an interest in.
Again, people typically love to talk about themselves. It’s how we’re wired. No one likes someone who talks “at” them but they love people who talk “with” them. There’s a huge difference between those two ways of communicating.
In the article, Todd Kashdan of George Mason University, who conducted related research, points out why being interested is so vital to developing relationships with people.
“Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and maintaining a relationship than being interesting; that’s what gets the dialogue going,” he says. “It’s the secret juice of relationships.”
In another study, researchers demonstrated that someone who activates their curiosity about others ends up feeling closer to those with whom they interact. So the benefits of curiosity go both ways. Curious people elicit better interactions from others while at the same time feeling closer to those with whom they interact. Now there’s a win/win situation if I’ve ever seen one.
Developing curiosity has yet another benefit to those who navigate within alternative sexuality and relationship communities. Curious people are better at reading others, sizing them up more accurately, upon first meeting. This can help to avoid some of the potential pitfalls when connecting with a new sex or dating partner. The red flags become more apparent when one’s curiosity has been engaged.
Certain types of sexuality such as BDSM require a robust sense of curiosity. The entire concept of negotiation should be an exercise in curiosity. And that curiosity should go both ways. It’s not just about bottom or submissive safety, although that’s vitally important. It’s about everyone’s safety in the erotic exchange. Physical safety. Emotional safety. One can’t possibly learn enough about another person before engaging in anything with potential risk unless they’ve first been deeply curious about them and follow their best instincts based on what’s learned from that curiosity.
In my opinion, curiosity is a basic and vital life skill for everyone. It’s just as important when it comes to sex, erotic play, and relationships.
Should you choose to read the article I reference, you’ll learn that research has show that curious people:
cope better with rejection than those less curious.
are less aggressive.
enjoy socializing more.
All of the positive outcomes of being more curious can benefit anyone including those who traverse the world of radical sex, kink, nonmonogamy, or polyamory.
If you’re not already the curious type, can you develop curiosity? The article suggests that “many positive social traits—like generosity, compassion, and empathy—appear to be trainable, and that suggests curiosity is, too.” My instincts tell me we can indeed foster our curiosity.
One good strategy is to ask open-ended questions when in conversations. This gives the other person an opportunity to expand on the answer beyond a simple yes or no.
We’re awash in countless articles, books, classes, workshops, and podcasts about sexuality, kink, nonmonogamy, and polyamory. There are also an abundance of related groups, clubs, discussion groups, meetups, conferences, social events, and play parties. The resources available to us are vast. But none of them are of much use if we don’t engage our curiosity.
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