Who Are You?

No matter what sexualities you explore, what erotic personas you adopt, or what types of relationships you experiment with, never forget to be exactly who you are.

When I was 18, I was a hypersexual young gay man exploring my sexuality. The fates decided that I would discover the world of leather and kink simultaneously with my coming out and I dove in headfirst.

In my early 20s, I had come into my own with reasonably good looks and a body chiseled by years of competitive gymnastics and a then current dance career. The world was my sexual oyster, so to speak. In Chicago and then New York City I would roam the gay leather underground as a lone wolf erotic adventurer, each man I played with a conquest in a long series of conquests.

At 26, I moved from New York City to Los Angeles and quickly got involved with a gay men’s kink club. Through some chance happenings I ended up teaching in class and workshop formats the BDSM techniques I had gleaned by observation, osmosis, and private play during the previous years’ erotic exploits. My reputation as a kink educator was born.

A few years later, I would end up partnering in a dominant and submissive relationship with one of the world’s most famous leathermen, BDSM player, and gay kink sexual culture thought leader. We were a kink power couple. That relationship catapulted me into a much higher profile within the kink scene. This was also when I began to write about kink. During this time, I also ended up as dominant to two other amazing men. My polyamorous inclinations had finally found official expression.

A few years later, I ended up collaring a wonderful man as my submissive. That man is still my partner today 33 years later, although the intensity of our dominant and submissive dynamic has morphed into our version of life partner.

While with my current partner, I’ve ended up in intense power dynamic and deeply intimate relationships with a few other men. One of them I collared 11 years ago and our relationship is still going strong.

I could fill in the gaps between all of that with other sexual and relationship stories, but the point of all that is that I started as one type of kinkster at 18 and now that I’m eyeing 70 years of age later this year I’m quite a different type of kinkster.

I began thinking about all of this as I was reading “Becoming who you are” by Oliver Burkeman. I wrote about a book by Burkeman that’s become one of my favorite books of all time in “Your Life Will Be Absurdly Brief.” But here I’m focused on his writing about becoming who you are.

Burkeman explains that much of the power behind any creative work lies in one’s willingness to be who you actually are.

… the short version is simply this: there are certain aspects to your personality – things you’re good at, things you like doing or don’t – that are obvious to you on some level, and probably very obvious to people around you, but that for various reasons you really don’t want to acknowledge. You should, though – not least because you’ll almost certainly be a lot more productive, and find lots more fun and meaning in what you do.

Burkeman’s writing made me think about what it means to be authentically who we are when it comes to our sexualities and relationships.

One of my fears as kink culture began to explode into a much bigger and more networked thing than it was in my youth was that people would fall prey to the sexual and relationship version of keeping up with the Joneses. The downside of doing that is those who fall prey to that trap often end up losing themselves in the process. They might forget who they are.

Ironically, sometimes our kink scene worships at the altar of the conformity and sameness that can squelch one’s individuality. Certain physical aesthetics. Certain garb. Certain ways of engaging in sexuality and kink. Certain ways of presenting the external self to the outside world. All of these certainties can end up building a house of cards that can tumble if we decide to entertain alternative ways of looking, being, and playing that run counter to the accepted norms of our inner or extended social circle.

One of the benefits of aging is it gives us the ability to look back on our lives and decide what we’d do differently. I know. The truth is most of us would probably end up doing pretty much exactly the same things we did. But I think there is some wisdom us older kinksters and adventurers can bestow on the younger people coming behind us.

So, I’m going to offer a single bit of wisdom gained from the self-reflection I’ve done.

Resist any conformity that contributes to you not being who you actually are.

Much the way Burkeman talks about writers who write as their true selves, kinksters who end up being admired or looked to as role models tend to be first and foremost authentically whoever they are.

If you navigate within any of the kink communities, think about who it is you’ve admired for a while. Not the shiny new kinkster who’s just emerged on the scene with attractive looks or impressive skills, but those who have held your admiration for longer. My guess is you’ll end up identifying people who might not necessarily fit the most adopted kink looks, dress, personas, or skill sets. Rather, I’d bet some of the people you’ll identify are far less well known. They might not possess impressive erotic skills. They might simply be quietly and authentically the kinky person they’ve decided to be, even when they might run afoul of those who take it upon themselves to police the ways others express their kinky selves.

A corollary of resisting conformity is that you should resist your own resistance to change. We all have it. Change can be difficult. But change is the pervasive constant, not the exception. If you hang on to who you truly are throughout your explorations, you’ll pivot and morph in ways that remain in alignment with your authenticity. That authenticity will remain intact even if your perspective, dress, sexualities, kinks, relationships, and socialization needs create a much different set of interests, presentations, or internal dialogue than before. Who you are at your core can remain essentially the same despite any changes.

I am still the kinky, gay, and polyamorous adventurer it feels like I’ve always been, but age has granted me the wisdom to not try to hold on to my past mindsets, public presentation, and interests if they don’t satisfy me where it counts.

That was a lot of words to say what my favorite quote of all time by Dr. Seuss says so succinctly.

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Be your fabulous self. Even when others don’t understand you. Do what you need to do erotically, as long as it’s consensual. Even when others might tilt their head at you in bewilderment. Ultimately, there is no way to be truly happy and fulfilled unless you lean heavily into your authenticity, your honest self. It’s always a work in progress. It certainly is for me. But it’s work that’s worth undertaking.

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