When Shared Ideas Aren't True

Before we adopt a widely shared idea it’s wise to determine if that shared idea is true before trying to conform to it

Among my pastimes is randomly perusing online videos. Sometimes I poke around to find specific topics or types of content. Other times I allow myself to be guided by the algorithmic gods that serve up material their recorded history of my online habits have decided I should watch.

Recently, it was suggested I watch “The way we think about work is broken” by Barry Schwartz recorded for TED.

It’s a short eight-minute video about how we view work. Being about work, it might not seem to relate to this blog’s focus. But when I watched it one of the things that struck me is that its message applies to all of life including our sexualities and relationships.

The main gist of the video is that ideas about people and humanity shape how people identify and behave. Schwartz refers to this as idea technology. Schwarz tries to answer the question “Why do we work? and I will likely write about that specifically elsewhere. But it was one specific comment he made that resonated with me strongly as it pertains to sexualities and relationships.

There's something special about idea technology that makes it different from the technology of things. With things, if the technology sucks, it just vanishes. Right? Bad technology disappears. With ideas, false ideas about human beings will not go away if people believe that they're true. Because if people believe that they're true, they create ways of living and institutions that are consistent with these very false ideas.

So how does this apply to our sexualities and the relationships in which those sexualities exist? Within some related subcultures, false ideas persist.

For example, in what’s typically referred in the world of kink as “leather” culture, there persists a false narrative that there was a codified and pervasive past leather culture with a rigid set of rules, protocols, and norms. This is often referred to as Old Guard and you’ll rarely see me use that term unless it’s to debunk the inflated and mythologized nature it’s become in far too many circles.

Despite that much of what’s attributed to Old Guard is false, or at best dramatically romanticized versions of reality, many people believe the mythology to be absolutely true. As Schwarz point outs, when people believe something to be true, even when false, they develop ways of being and supporting institutions that are consistent with those false ideas.

For those who navigate within the leather world that is much of my reading audience, I already know some will read this and claim I’m wrong. They will proudly proclaim “I’m Old Guard” or “I was trained in the Old Guard ways” or something similar. Many of them believe this to be true. I’m sure many of them were sold on that concept and they configured their kink lives to be consistent with it.

But that’s just one of many human-made constructs people unconsciously abide by within the sexuality and relationship realms.

Polyamorous people will often parrot a codified version of polyamory, sometimes based on a foundation of heteronormative monogamous culture thinking, and claim that’s the only appropriate way to be polayamorous when in fact there are many variations of polyamory that individuals can tailor to fit them best.

Someone who lives a life firmly identified with a male or female gender expression will balk at others who allow themselves to identify differently on that spectrum. We’re certainly seeing that play out today as right-wing forces and those supporting them attack gender non-conforming people. They have bought into the false social narrative (shared idea) of binary thinking regarding gender.

People are often raised in strict cultures, sometimes heavily influenced by religion, that indoctrinates people into believing sex is something to be avoided or if not avoided only done within the confines of a sanctioned marriage with only certain types of sex allowed. They bought into the idea of a rigid view of monogamy despite many people living happily in a wide variety of non-monogamous ways.

What I’m getting at here is that just because certain subcultures collectively buy into pervasive ideas doesn’t mean that those ideas necessarily have merit within your own life experience. Some might. But some might not. Abiding by those that don’t have merit might end up impeding healthy exploration of your sexuality and relationship options.

I know that subcultures are typically bonded by certain shared ideas. That will always be the case. That’s essentially the basic nature of subcultures. But it’s vital that individuals closely examine those shared ideas and decide which ones are true and which ones are not. Only then can someone determine for themselves if they want to adjust their own lives to align with those ideas.

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