Well, here we go!
I’m glad I get to share the space with you
Welcome to the first post on what I hope will be an interesting page for my readers. I’ve written extensively in the past about various aspects of sexuality and relationships. This page is an opportunity to continue that work outside the bounds of specific magazines, websites, and other publications.
I still plan to write elsewhere when asked, but this is where much of the meat of my writing on these topics will reside at present.
So, let’s kick this off.
Five Questions
Periodically I ask people I admire, respect, or believe I can learn from five questions. Five is a small enough number to make answering them not too heavy a lift. And five questions and answers is a concise size that readers can scan quickly.
In 2009, I asked my friend Dr. Gloria Brame five questions. I thought I’d replicate it here. Gloria, a sex therapist, is renowned in the world of kink sexualities.
1. If you could offer people in your community just one bit of advice based on your experience, what would it be? Be skeptical about every bit of advice and information you get about BDSM online or at play parties. The best person to listen to is someone who has achieved the results you'd like to achieve and who can prove it to you by the relationships they have and the way they live. Anyone can pretend to be a BDSM expert on the internet or for a few hours at a club. Anyone can learn to use a toy really well too. It's making BDSM work long term in 3D that's the challenge.
2. Is there anything you see as particularly positive going on in your community right now? The biggest and best change is the influx of younger generations of people who did not grow up feeling as guilty and ashamed of being kinky as previous generations. Their more enlightened/less inhibited attitudes have helped us broaden the definitions of kink and make the community more open, more public, and more fun.
3. Is there anything you see as particularly negative going on in your community right now? A sense of entitlement that's resulted in political apathy. Now that BDSM is so much more open, a lot of people don't realize that we are still as vulnerable to legal persecution as we were 30 years ago because sex laws haven't changed. For example, a court may elect to see spanking as an assault, even if the partners consented. Many BDSMers are in denial about this state of affairs....until something goes wrong and they are personally affected.
4. How could your community best be improved? We need to see changes in two important arenas: how the legal system perceives us and how the medical/helping communities perceive us. I strongly believe that forming new coalitions to support sexual freedoms for all Americans, combating unfair sex laws and working to educate psychiatrists, doctors, and others, is crucial to positive change for the BDSM community.
5. Think ahead 10 years. Where do you see your community heading? I don't believe we hold our fate in our own hands until we change our role and our rights in American society. For example, a political backlash against the current administration could drive BDSM back into the closet unless we continue doing the hard, often thankless, work of changing the way society sees us.
It's nearly 15 years later, and I think Gloria’s answers still hold up to the contemporary landscape. Younger people are the driving force of most communities, the kink communities included. Entitlement still happens. We still need more focus on improving the legal and medical systems as they pertain to kink communities. I think the current right-wing political warpath against LGBTQ people, drag queens, and trans people validates that we all need to stay politically involved. That means voting in every election.
Gloria wrote one of the most successful books of all time in its genre, Different Loving Too, an updated version of the original classic. She also wrote my favorite sexuality book of all time, The Truth About Sex. I recommend this book a lot.
Check out Gloria’s website. There are links to her blog, books, and information about her sex therapy services.
On Guard Cigar Salon
One of the fun projects I’ve been working on the past year is being part of the cast of On Guard Cigar Salon. It all started during the pandemic when I’d sit with friends in their backyard and we’d smoke cigars and discuss all sorts of things. One day someone said “We should record this.” So, we did.
Our pandemic backyard discussions always felt like a salon which in the past were hosted regular meetings of artists, writers, musicians, and others who engaged in lively discussions about all sorts of topics. That’s what we try to do with the series, engage in lively discussions from our point of view on topics pertinent to the kink communities. Since we’re all gay men on the show, our discussions naturally tend to lean in that direction, but we have an audience from all walks of life who enjoy the show.
The series is on YouTube and it’s also available as a podcast on iTunes and Spotify (search for On Guard Cigar Salon). Here’s an example of the show. This one on toxic masculinity turned out to be quite popular.
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
There is so much important work to be done in the world of alternative sexualities and relationships. One of the organizations doing that work is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).
The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal, and social environment in the United States that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions.
NCSF does so much good work, but I’d like to highlight one of their current projects, Consent Counts and the concept of Explicit Prior Permission. These are consent ideas and guidelines everyone can utilize in their lives whether they’re kinky or not.
Check out their website and if you’re so inclined, consider donating.
Thanks for reading
So, that’s the first post. I hope you liked it and you’ll share it and subscribe so you’ll be alerted to future posts. Have a wonderful day.
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