Us versus Them in Kink Communities

Fostering a sense of commonality and unity rather than dividing kink communities into an us versus them scenario will benefit everyone

Over the years as I’ve spent extended time first within the gay men’s leather community and eventually within a wider variety of kink communities across the orientation, gender, and interest spectrum, I’ve witnessed the growth of an “us versus them” mindset. I don’t like it.

Let me start by stating clearly that while I’m about to use the example of kink communities to discuss us versus them tendencies, this is universal. If you’re not part of a kink community, replace kink with any other type of community or group you can think of. Age. Race. Religion. Attractiveness. Wealth. Politics. Sports. This applies to every sector of society. I’m simply using the kink communities I know well as an example for illustrative purposes and because this topic came up recently in a discussion I was having with a friend.

OK, that said, while the growing us versus them mindset has been on my mind for years, it wasn’t until I recently watched a video from Big Think that my thinking came into clearer focus. The video starts out by highlighting that we have a biological predilection to divide the world into opposing camps.

Why mention this? Despite strong influences nudging us toward division and separateness, my hope is that we at least attempt to mitigate our initial perceptions of others to foster a greater sense of cross-community connection and a more peaceful planet generally, kink communities included.

We turn the world into us's and thems and we don't like the thems very much and are often really awful to them. And the us's, we exaggerate how wonderful and how generous and how affiliative and how just like siblings they are to us. We divide the world into us and them.

Something I’ve said for many years is that kinksters are essentially just like everyone else but with specific interests and culture that bonds us. I’ve lost count of how often I’ve heard or read a kinkster, interestingly especially those who identify strongly with the leather community, state that they live by a code such as honor, integrity, truth, and so on.

Sure, many of us do, but I honestly don’t think we do that more than people from other walks of life. I know amazingly wonderful kinksters. I know some rather awful kinksters. Same with all other types of humans.

My fear has always been that separating ourselves from the rest of society and elevating us to some sort of “special” status did us a disservice. Things like honor, integrity, truth, and other noble qualities are wonderful guidance for good behavior and interactions regardless of which path one walks in life. It’s part of being a good human, not just part of being a good kinkster.

I have observed kinksters who behave rather badly getting a pass because other kinksters see them as part of our kink group. That’s nice, and it can serve good purposes. But it can also blind us to character and behavior that doesn’t seek to champion everyone to be the best kinkster (human being) they want to be and should strive to be.

Once you attach to a tribe, something strange happens. No longer is content as important. The substance of the arguments, the policies. That is important. But at the end of the day, the most important element in terms of being a part of a tribe is loyalty. Loyalty to the tribe. And the most serious offense that you can commit against your own tribe is to betray that tribes trust, its loyalty, its essence. It's to go against the tribe in some way.

When a longtime leather person denigrates a kink newcomer for not dressing or acting appropriately, that’s an othering that’s not healthy or helpful.

When a kinkster self-elevates themselves with a fancy honorific or title to create a false sense of credibility and status above others, that’s not healthy or helpful.

When someone in a kink community makes a misstep and others rabidly pounce on them for that misstep as if they themselves have never made a mistake, that’s not healthy or helpful.

When a member of one subset of kink besmirches the existence of a member of another subset of kink because they simply don’t understand that kink, that’s not healthy or helpful.

I could go on. I think you know where I’m going with this.

Division. Separateness. Othering. None of that is helpful. There is great power in unity. The entire galaxy of kink communities has more in common with each other than we have different. Sure, our specific kinks and associated cultures differ. But at the core of it all, we’re all sexual and erotic adventurers taking the step to explore more deeply than perhaps the average person does and this aligns us in important ways.

Revel in your kink, your own particular erotic expression, any way you wish (as long as it’s consensual of course). Let other people do the same. We don’t have to fully understand someone else’s kink, how they express it, or the specific kink community in which they thrive. We just have to let them be them.

If you have 17 minutes to spare, I think you’ll find the video to which I linked thought provoking. We can use what they say to improve all kink communities.

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