The Trap of Rules

Why flexibility in sexuality and relationships benefits everyone

“At birth a person is soft and yielding, and at death stiff and hard. All beings, the grass, the trees: alive, soft and yielding; dead, stiff and hard. Therefore the hard and inflexible are friends to death. The soft and yielding are friends of life. An unyielding army is destroyed. An unbending tree breaks. The hard must humble itself or be otherwise humbled. The soft will ultimately ascend.” – Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Over the years I’ve chatted with countless people who are in various kinds of kink relationships for which power dynamics is a part to a greater or lesser degree. I’ve heard about the good, the bad, the challenging, the joyful – just about every aspect of such relationships you can imagine. Out of these conversations have emerged many insights, but one common thread consistently pops out at me, and I sum it up in one short phrase.

Adapt or die.

Of course, I don’t mean die literally. What I mean is that unless those in a power dynamic relationship of any sort adapt to the changes that naturally occur over time, the relationship will die. While I know this might apply to all relationships, I think it has particular relevance to some kink relationships. Here’s why.

Part of the erotic power dynamic mindset is often a rigid set of rules and structures. On some level these rules and structures are what make such relationships appealing in the first place. Perhaps one partner has primary control and thereby often sets the rules and structures in place for the relationship. The other partner often relies on the acceptance of such rules and structures. This can be hot. This can be exciting. This can be exactly as the partners want it to be, but perhaps only for a while.

Eventually, real life creeps into such relationships and can play havoc with the rules. People’s sexuality often morphs over time and each partner might move in different directions in terms of how much, if any, power exchange they want in their relationship. This can happen during the entire arc of the relationship’s lifespan, in the erotic play itself, or both. People’s sexual interests change over time. Practical considerations like the illness of a partner, financial responsibilities, and changing emotional needs come into play. In short, life happens.

So, what do you do in such situations? If you want the relationship to survive, you adapt. You constantly renegotiate to assure that everyone is getting what they need. Some people in erotic power dynamic relationships experience some resistance to this concept because they feel adaptation is a challenge to their position within the relationship. It’s not, or at least it shouldn’t be.

Some might say that they don’t anticipate anything changing that will affect their relationship’s dynamics. Especially in the early stages of a relationship this might seem likely. New relationship energy is a real thing. But I’ve seen many such relationships in my 50 years amidst my kinky and erotic adventurer communities. I can’t point to a single relationship that’s lasted more than a brief time that hasn’t adapted in some way. Not one.

I’ve always contended that any bonding of two (or more) people around any sexual paradigm requires the skills of those involved to adapt and change over time to keep it fresh, to keep it interesting, and to keep it relevant to their needs. Otherwise, why bother? Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs? Isn’t that part of why we form such relationships?

Is this easy? No. Change is often hard. But the necessity for change (adaptation) is the norm, not the exception. Rigidity, for its own sake, is a surefire way to bring anything to a grinding halt, especially a relationship.

The most successful power dynamic relationships I’ve encountered seem to embrace the adaptation concept. How each partner expresses their part in the dynamic will inevitably change. By anticipating the need for adaptation, those people in such relationships will be prepared for the challenge and be able to adjust the rules and structures to accommodate their needs best. Those who don’t do so at their own peril.

The Remarkable Dr. Justin Lehmiller

A while back I wrote about Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, in my post, Everyone Is A Little Bit Kinky. That’s proven to one of my more popular posts lately.

I still recommend that book to everyone. It’s always advantageous to understand sexuality better whether we’re highly active or simply have a great fantasy life. There are few people who do a better job of demystifying sexuality than Lehmiller.

Lehmiller received his Ph.D. in Social Psychology from Purdue University. He is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He is also an award-winning educator having been honored three times with the Certificate of Teaching Excellence from Harvard University where he taught for several years.

Many topics are covered in Lehmiller’s work. Along with his books and podcast, I recommend perusing his blog. Some great writing there. Here is but one example, 7 Things You Should Know About Kink and BDSM.

There isn’t just one thing that draws people to BDSM—in fact, there are at least 8 possible reasons! For some, it seems to be a lifelong orientation, whereas for others, BDSM interest emerges later in life in response to some positive experience (perhaps a partner introduced you to it) or to meet some need (such as seeking balance, or coping with the pain of chronic illness). There’s a popular stereotype that BDSM is inherently rooted in some personal trauma–and, for some–there is truth to this. However, it’s far more common for people to be drawn to BDSM for other reasons.

Financial Challenges in the World’s Oldest Economy

It’s no secret that people who work in the adult industry have challenges other professions don’t encounter. One of the biggest hurdles is managing their finances. Here is one person’s take on how to best weather the ups and downs in this realm of work.

For Steph, income diversification is key to balancing out the cost-benefit of sex work. “If [you] are in the position of having other forms of income, for me personally, I think it’s a great idea to diversify where your income is coming from,” she said. “A lot of people unfortunately have to do sex work for survival, though, and are not in a position to or may not have the skills to hold a traditional nine-to-five job or work remotely [on the side].”

Check out Money as a sex worker.

Final Thought

The LGBTQ communities are under attack. In particular, trans people and drag queens appear to be the fodder of right-wing political attacks. But, LGBTQ people are generally under attack. If you’re in a state passing or attempting to pass such hateful legislation, please get active. Call and write your representatives. Show up when asked. Talk to people in those communities who might not understand how vile this legislation is and how much it hurts people’s lives.

If you have a few dollars to send their way, the ACLU has established a Drag Defense Fund to help drag performers and LGBTQ+ community members are who facing threats across the country.

You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work.