The State of Kink

The current landscape of kink communities is looking quite fine and the occasional gloom and doom protestations are usually overblown

More than a decade ago, I opined about the state of the overall kink scene after someone posted an article in the Dallas Observer, How The Internet Killed (Or Maybe Just Changed) Dallas' Leather Scene, by Anna Merlan. A bunch of friends, in my view all kink icons in their own rite, are referenced and quoted throughout the article. The gist of the article is summarized well with this paragraph.

It all sounds familiar, old-timers complaining about the effects of the Internet, about annoying newcomers. Every subculture has them, the ones who swear their scene was better in some vaguely defined "before." But leather scenesters say it's deeper than just nostalgia. It's about their desire to protect a community they've worked so long to build.

While the focus of the Merlan article was the Dallas, Texas area, the article is a nice encapsulation of the slice in time view of where our kink scene was back then. The opinions in the article were quite common beyond the Dallas kink community. But in the 12 years since the article was published, things have changed.

The equating of BDSM as the primary umbrella under which kink resides appears to be getting flipped on its head. BDSM now seems like a subset of the larger set kink of communities, although albeit still a significant portion. Some might disagree with this, but it seems like that’s the trend from where I sit.

The Old Guard phrase is tossed around a lot in the Merlan article and that practice seems to be waning somewhat and for that I’m grateful. I’ve written elsewhere that the Old Guard description of a leather world long past is at best an overly romanticized version of what actually happened. But I digress.

Merlan highlighted many of the sentiments coming from all walks of the kink scene at that time, especially the leather-identified faction, and especially among gay men. I still hear similar beliefs among kinksters today and, again, especially from leather-identified people.

After reading the article again, I still agree with much of it. But I also think we have to accept that many of the challenges are of our own making or, even more prominently, simply the end result of normal cultural change. These cultural changes are not necessarily a bad thing. They’re often quite good things.

Sure, we have opened up the scene to just about anyone, often, as the article points out, because we don't want anyone else to feel left out like we once did, and also because we began to embrace the compassionate notion that we should start paying attention to inclusivity more than we did in the past. I think that cultural conversation is still taking place, which is a good thing.

Luckily, as I had hoped would happen as a result of that cultural conversation, the overall scene seems to be settling on what I consider a balanced reality: sometimes there’s good reason for all walks of kink to be together; and sometimes there’s good reason for specific types of kinksters to be with their own kind. It’s the old “there’s a time and a place” mantra. This seems healthy. This seems reasonable. This seems doable.

With that said, I think many of the big complainers to this day are your typical "it was better in my day" folks (think granddad talking about rap music), technological Luddites who resist the new communications and networking social media paradigms, and those who resist the notion that sexuality is not a democratic thing but rather by its very nature to be ideally "hot" must not be democratic. We like what we like. Our attractions are what they are. And we need to let other people revel in their chosen consensual sexualities whether we understand their specific turn ons and community identities or not.

I don't think the fixes to the issues brought up in the Merlan article, that still exist in many sectors of our scene today, are all that burdensome, but some might be controversial.

I’m wavering on this a bit lately, but historically I’ve believed open and public play parties have never been all that great for the best play environment. Once upon a time, play parties were universally invitation-only or frequented by known community players. I suggest we move back towards some version of that concept. If not entirely invitation-only, which might foster too much inappropriate gatekeeping, perhaps at least better vetting of party attendees to ensure an overall better play experience. It would solve many of the issues brought up in the article about play parties.

Yes, some will complain they're being left out. How to balance that with the “throw the doors wide open” mindset? I admit I’m not entirely sure. People used to have to extend some effort to attend a play event. I vote for returning to some semblance of that concept, or at least figure out how to usher in play party newcomers with a modicum of party etiquette knowledge and practical skillsets.

As for bars, which are mostly important to the LGBTQ aspects of the kink scene, they will continue to dwindle in importance. Don't get me wrong. I love leather bars. I want them to succeed. But due to online networking their necessity as cruising venues has waned (at least in the United States) and will likely never return. They are socializing venues now, and that's a good thing, but it reduces their appeal for many.

Non-kink gay bars have gone through the same consolidation and reduction. The number of gay bars in my city of San Francisco has dramatically reduced over time due to the same factors. Such is life. We need to foster those leather and kink-friendly bars that can remain open but accept reality that many will not and figure out other ways to socialize. It's not rocket science or all that difficult to do so. People have been coming up with increasingly creative alternatives for kinky socializing. Maybe the necessity of having to come up with these new socializing opportunities is ultimately a good thing for our scene’s growth.

As for newbies claiming expertise they don't have, that's a trickier one. As someone at the forefront of the "kink workshop" and "kink publications" concept, perhaps I and others like me are partly to blame. But I think on balance more information is always better. We just need to be reasoned about how and to whom we dole it out.

That said, I admit I have in recent years suggested that perhaps at times we have too many kink educational offerings because we’ve fallen prey to the “more is always better” consumer mindset. Given the option to have 20 quality workshops or 100 mediocre ones at a big weekend kink event, I’ll take the 20. Quality over quantity tends to be a good guideline to stick to for just about everything in life.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I don't think things are nearly as bad as some proclaim whether it was 12 years ago or now. Most of the rancor seems to consistently be coming from people resisting change when change is both staring them in the face and not likely to alter much no matter how much complaining is done. The kink communities are doing just fine. They're just going through an ongoing maturation process and with such a process comes some adaptation turmoil.

All of this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Max Fraction from his acclaimed comic book series, Sex Criminals (Volume 3 – Three the Hard Way).

You're into what you're into, I'm into what I'm into. We don't have to be into the same shit, and if you're safe, sane, and happy, then go on and get you some.

Sounds good to me. Go get you some!

When you ask individual kinksters how their kinky lives are today, most seem to be saying they’re rather satisfied. So, I'm more hopeful than not that our kink scene is doing just fine.

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