The Art of Delivering Our Message

Why messaging about kink and kink communities needs to be delivered with care and consideration

On October 12, 2008, I delivered the keynote address at the Victory Brunch during the International LeatherSir/Leatherboy and Community Bootblack weekend being held that year in San Francisco, California. For those unfamiliar with such events, it was a weekend centered around a men’s leather title competition that also included many social and education offerings for the kinksters attending.

It’s now more than 14 years later. I decided to re-read my speech to see how it holds up today. Since this event and speech were directed primarily to an audience of kinky men at the time, it speaks mostly to that demographic.

Also, for those who are not actively involved in a kink community, some of this is definitely an insider look and I admit to that. To some extent, I was mostly preaching to the choir in this speech. The audience was comprised of people active enough in kink community to pay to attend and perhaps travel to weekends like this one.

In certain places the speech is dated in light of the developments society and the kink communities have experienced the past 14 years. Anywhere the speech falls short of contemporary progressive thinking, know that I realize times have changed. I’ve minimally adjusted the original wording where it felt clunky or extremely off-base in light of my views changing or culture now being more enlightened.

But most of the original speech remains intact and I think its message still applies to the modern kink communities. Where it does not, I hope it fosters discussion. In particular, my views on the normalization and social acceptance of kink and the possible motivations behind such efforts have changed since delivering the speech. I also think there is value in reading something delivered 14 years ago because it highlights how discussions within these communities have changed over time.

If you’re an active kinkster, adjust this speech’s message as you see fit based on your own experiences, community, interests, and so on. I hope if fosters more thinking and robust discussions about this topic.

Here’s the speech.

Good morning. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Let me first offer my congratulations to the new International LeatherSir, Raul Mendez, the new International Leatherboy, Bill Hoeppner, and the new International Community Bootblack, Black-Jack Pearce. I hope that each of you has a great adventure ahead of you this coming year and I wish you nothing but success and a lot of fun as you carry out your title year.

I’d also like to extend my sincere thanks to everyone involved with the planning and running of this great weekend. It’s nice to be associated with an event like this that places such primary importance on the types of sex we have and the variety of erotic relationships we embrace. After all, these constitute the essence of why we congregate together and why we’re here today.

I’ll be mentioning input, comments, and quotes from various men I talked to about this speech’s topic and I thank them for their assistance. Their wisdom most certainly helped me hone the focus of this speech. However, I take full responsibility for its content, for better or worse.

And finally, thanks to all of you for being here and gracing me with your presence. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I have to say. I’ll do my best to be brief and I hope you find what I have to offer useful.

Many years ago, late at night, men would amble down certain side streets South of Market here in San Francisco, not far from where we are right now. They were looking for other men, they were looking for sex, and they were looking for adventure. It’s unlikely that any of them were thinking too much about titles or workshops or much else besides their erotic fantasies. Ah, those were the times.

I fondly recall those nights because I was often one of those men. And I most certainly wasn’t thinking about titles or workshops or anything else besides sex. My sole focus was on the maverick scenes and outlaw sex that I’ve gravitated to since I was a teenager. To put this in the vernacular that this particular weekend embraces, for me it was about the play. The play was and for me still is the thing.

When I was asked to deliver this speech, I initially hesitated. I didn’t say yes immediately. Why? Because I am one of those individuals who walks a fine line between embracing the title system and shunning it. I’ve known so many great titleholders, past and present, but I’ve also known some titleholders who have fallen short, a few dreadfully short. And at best the entire system has a checkered past in producing the people who I feel truly represent me, my sexuality, and those gangs of sexual outlaws that I move through this scene alongside.

So, when I was asked to deliver this speech the first thing I did before replying was to go to this event’s website. Here is the wording I found that described the contest:

“You might say we're the ‘bad boys’ of leather contests. One of the defining characteristics from other contests is the upfront philosophy that LeatherSir/Leatherboy is about sex. Both the contest and titles are about the representation of the sexual side of the gay male leatherman. Our goals include networking and outreach to help educate the community about leathermen, our erotic expression, traditions and history - and of course, hot leather sex!”

OK, I thought. I can get behind that. At first blush it appeared to be right up my alley. I take great pride in my reputation as a bit of a rabble-rouser and linking myself to the bad boys of the contest circuit had a definite appeal. So, I said yes, I’ll do the keynote. When it comes to the importance of focusing on the play, I felt I had something to contribute because, in many ways, I think our scene has perhaps lost its way in this regard.

Because I have in my network of fellow sexual outlaws a bunch of men whose opinion I respect, I asked some of them for their input on the topic. When asking for their input I sent them the language that was published on the International LeatherSir/Leatherboy website to promote the speech which stated that I:

“…will address the need to bring play out of the darkness, why it's long past due to proudly embrace such play as a lifestyle, and the importance of having a titleholder put a face to it for our community.”

So, when I started to receive responses to my email blast, I was astonished at the responses I received. Many were supportive, but many were not, and it was the least supportive ones that gave me pause because they came from some of the most experienced and respected players on my email list. And I have one hell of an email list.

One man wrote “I doubt I can contribute to this in any constructive way.  I'm not sure I agree with the premise... I prefer to play in the dark.”

Another wrote “Everyone talks about ‘world peace’ or whatever is the popular mantra of the day.  When have they represented the deeper side of SM play? The connection and the power?  I have little faith that the title system will ever really speak for ‘me’ or really even ‘to’ me… Can someone please break with convention, bend or break most of the rules, piss on the self-proclaimed rules police of the community… and have a brain?” I think that constitutes a less than positive response.

Yet another wrote, after a rather very long tirade on the topic of the speech itself, “Dear old friend....who ever thought up this subject for your speech is no friend of yours. It is so loaded with gay and straight social-sexual land mines that I wouldn't even touch it.  This is a no-win speech subject.”

Shit, I thought. What have I gotten myself into as these were some of the first responses that arrived in my inbox, and all from longtime, established, and respected players.

Then a few more responses came in that were much more positive. One was “We need to bring play out of the darkness, because there are people who want to hurt and control us, and by keeping it in the darkness of the playroom and the darkness of our private bedrooms, we help them in their efforts to control and hurt us.”

Another wrote “I've said for years that whenever gay men and women are afraid to show public displays of affection, it perpetuates the fear and ignorance that's projected on us from the heterosexual community.  Now, the way this transfers to this topic is very clear.  If we as kinky sons of bitches are afraid to let other gay people know what we're ‘into’, how can we expect to gain respect in our own community? If we keep our kink, our play, in the closet...we're not only limiting our possibilities of finding others who are into what we're into...but it also suggests that we're still harboring guilt and shame about that play, that we love and need so much.”

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Let’s just say there was a lot of feedback. A lot. This is but a small sampling of what I received. The feelings, and many of them were extremely strong and impassioned feelings, were all over the map, from very positive to very negative and everything in between. I had my work cut out for me. This wasn’t going to be the slam dump topic I had hoped for. Clearly there wasn’t universal acceptance of the basic premise of the speech.

The reservations expressed by the naysayers among my respondents seemed to coalesce primarily around two themes.

The first questioned the wisdom of bringing what we do out of the darkness at all. Many of the longstanding players within my network appeared to very much like playing in the darkness and, indeed, revel in that darkness. It is often the outlaw nature, the underground aesthetic, of what we do that heightens its appeal.

The second theme that was prevalent challenged the use of the word play. One man put it this way. “A former boy of mine…would object to the phrase ‘play as a lifestyle’ since he doesn't consider himself to be playing…” Others expressed similar reservations with the word play.

So, what appeared at first to me to be a rather simple and direct topic now became one mired in semantics, controversy, suspicion, cross-perceptions, and stylistic differences. What was I to do with all this input that I also had to resolve with my own thinking while at the same time delivering to you a speech that actually has some value? And I wanted to speak today not only to the newly sashed titleholders of this weekend, but to everyone in our scene. Needless to say, I was concerned. I sat in front of my computer for many hours staring at the screen, not sure what to write. For those of you who know me, you know I’m rarely at a loss for words.

So, let me attempt to tackle the three main contentions originally part of my speech topic: bringing play out of the darkness; embracing play as a lifestyle; and having titleholders represent both these things.

Initially, we have to establish what we mean by the language we’re using. The language of our scene is tricky because it’s not always perceived with universally accepted definitions. Specifically, what do we mean by “darkness” and what do we mean by “play”.

I see the darkness as potentially meaning two things. On the one hand, it can mean the clandestine, and often necessarily clandestine, nature of what we do. The way we engage with each other erotically is often so easily misunderstood by all but the most seasoned and experienced players that it must take place in the dark, away from the eyes and ears of those who can’t be expected to understand it.

I’ve often used the analogy of someone unknowingly walking onto a movie set as a staged fight is underway. The stark reality of the fight is all the bystander can see and hear because that appears to be the reality in front of them. There is no way they can be expected to understand the negotiations, precautions, setup, planned outs, and other factors that went into the preparations and that dwell in the consciousness of the men engaged in the fight before their eyes. Misunderstanding is not only possible, but likely. How could it be otherwise?

Is this the darkness to which we allude?

Or is the darkness the shame and guilt that so often keeps many of us from fully enjoying and exploring the style of sex and relationships that our basic natures gravitate towards?

Or is the darkness something else altogether, or these combined with other determiners?

For the purpose of this speech, I’m going to define the darkness simply as that which we do out of the public eye.

So, what about play? Some bristle at the word play because they perceive it as a diminutive, as a word that lessens the importance of what we do. I honestly don’t think anyone who uses it means it in that sense. I certainly don’t.

I recall a famous work of early kinky fiction that used the word “work” to define what we do in our bedrooms and playrooms. Personally, I find that word offensive because I think it degrades what we do by relegating it to a task, a process, almost a business dealing.

For this speech, I’m defining play simply as whatever it is each of us does erotically as our outside-of-the-box sexuality.

So, the big question. Does our play need to be brought out of the darkness? The best answer I can give you is, it depends.

Next big question. Does our play need a community representative? The best answer I can give you is, it depends.

And here is my reasoning.

The outreach and public interaction that titleholders, we here in this room, and anyone in the scene engages in must be measured and nuanced, depending on the audience. And I see the potential audiences for any exposure of our scene to fall into one of five categories.

The first is what I’m imagining is the camp most of us here in this room fall into, the more hardcore among us. These are the people who often see what we do sexually as an identity and a lifestyle. When reaching out to this crowd you’re generally preaching to the choir because they know enough already, or at least think they do, to function as is quite nicely in the kinky activities that they enjoy.

For many of these people their sexuality and their lifestyle are synonymous. But this is a rarified group as a percentage of the entire scene and this is something we must not forget. We here, in this room, do not represent the demographic for the vast majority of kinky adventurers. If we lose sight of this, we run a tremendous risk of misplaying our hand when dealing with the public.

So, is this the group that needs outreach? I don’t think so. Yet, this is too often the group to whom the outreach messages are delivered. Has anyone else noticed that when you go to many of the leather/SM/fetish events around the country you see most of the same faces? This happens on a local as level well. These guys have heard the messages, attended the workshops, sat in on the discussion groups, and played together for a while. Can they benefit from further education? Of course they can. We all can. But the truth is this group already knows where to get that information if and when they need it.

The next type of audience is those already entrenched in our style of play and our way of socializing, but who do not consider it a lifestyle and don’t necessarily use their kinky sexuality as a point of identification. This is where the bulk of the kinky among us reside and where they are most comfortable remaining. These are not the lifestylers. These are not those who debate scene politics. These are not the club joiners. These are not those who strive to learn every aspect of erotic interaction, but rather stay quite happily in the edgy erotic realms they find most comfortable and exciting.

I see this group as the primary audience for the educational outreach such as the BDSM technique workshops held here this weekend. The outreach to this group should be targeted to improve their skill levels, their safety awareness, and provide forums in which they can discuss issues of importance to them.

These two groups, the lifestylers and the regular players, form what I call the inner sanctum of our scene. A sanctum is a holy place, and I use the word in that sense. Not holy in a religious sense, but in the sense that the knowledge, traditions, skills, power dynamics, brotherhoods, and other inner workings of this inner sanctum should take place within our ranks and only exposed to others upon very careful consideration.

One of my cohorts pointed out that doing what we do in public, in daylight, not in darkness, invites the unqualified to observe us, scrutinize us, opine about us, and consider whether they think it wise to legislate or restrict us.

I’d like to state now, again, quite clearly, that our inner sanctum, the darkness that allows our scene to flourish and grow and that keeps it hot for many of us, must be sustained, it must be protected, and it must be held sacred.

The next group falls outside of the inner sanctum. They are the curious who may one day be among us. This is the person who might show up at an event appearing to be an outsider. One who hangs in the background observing, curious, but not yet interacting. We must not judge this group. How often have you heard someone lambast a man who dared to enter a leather bar in sneakers? These guys may not even consider themselves kinky, but there is something about what we do, who we are, and how we socialize that appeals to them and we shun them at our own risk. Without them our scene will die. Not shrink. Not morph. Actually die. At least for the social aspects of what we do. Unless we nurture this particular group we might as well play only with each other until we all die off many years from now and watch our scene set into a sunset of obscurity.

When it comes to the educational pursuits we engage in with this crowd, we must be gentle. A newcomer does not necessarily need to know about or see an intense, heavy BDSM scene. They have no point of reference. They have no context in which to place what they see and hear. How could they? This group must be gently brought into our midst with their hands held and with the collective attitude from us of “it’s going to be fine, I’m here for you.”

I recall a time, many years ago, when a leather/SM/fetish group in Los Angeles was hosting an SM 101 workshop. Just before the workshop began a small band of more experienced players that were in attendance began to talk about some of the most extreme and twisted types of scenes they do. The look of shock and fear on the faces of most of the newcomers there was evident. One actually tried to leave and had to be coaxed into staying. This is an example of bad delivery, inappropriate delivery, to this kind of audience.

The fourth group I call the understanding and well-informed. Generally, the LGBTQ community falls into this camp. They’ve been around leather people for so long that, even when they don’t know the specifics of what we do, they have developed a sense of camaraderie and kinship that fosters a sense of common purpose when it comes to sexual freedoms and certain other rights.

Our outreach to this group needs to be minimal and should involve only those areas where tensions can arise if misunderstandings are not addressed. Leather inclusion in LGBTQ events is a good example of a worthy outreach effort to this particular group.

Finally, there is the general public. These are the people with absolutely no context, and no motivation, to understand or accept us. Any outreach efforts to this group must only glean over what we do in private and be couched in language that is very non-threatening. If detailed kink scene insider information is communicated, it must be done with the utmost care.

Awareness of us by these people, the general public outside the BDSM, sexual, or more progressive worlds, is important only to make sure our rights are protected so that we may continue to do what we do. That’s it. No more. They do not need to know all the specifics of what we do. They do not need to be confronted with imagery on their turf that offends due to the shear shock of it. This does not mean we should hide when within their ranks, but it does mean we should be prudent about how we behave and how much we tell them.

Now, for those who will claim that my position on adjusting our message to the various audiences stems from a stance of shame or guilt, I completely disagree. It is strategic, and any outreach, any education, worth doing is worth having a strategy that works. Otherwise, why bother. There will be those among us who choose to grandstand and throw caution to the wind when dealing with the general public. I believe we must express our concerns when we observe cavalier messaging. If we do not, we run the risk of being doomed by the tyranny of the vocal minority who would like nothing more than to find reasons to dislike and potentially marginalize us further.

And I defend the rationale of keeping much of the inner sanctum’s workings from the eyes and ears of the majority of the population. As one esteemed member of our clan commented, political parties like Republicans and Democrats caucus behind closed doors and they do so for good reasons.  So do the Masons, Roman Catholic Cardinals, The Joint Chiefs of Staff, and many other groups. Why? Because it’s strategically sound to do so.

So, speaking of strategies, what might some of the outreach and education strategies we can use be?

First and foremost, understand that everyone does not need to know every detail about us and what we do. In fact, that’s a bad idea. Our message and delivery must be tailored to the audience. As a parallel, I can advocate for LGBTQ rights without going into intimate details about everything we do in the bedroom.

I recall an instance many years ago when I was asked to be on a national television talk show that was popular at the time. The producer had called me to be on as a representative of the BDSM scene. All our negotiations were going fine until she asked me what I’d be wearing and I said a nice shirt and slacks.

Silence on the other end of the phone. I could tell she was balking. She said they were thinking perhaps I should come on stage in full leather, perhaps pulling someone along on a leash. I know some in our scene have done this, but I knew it was a bad idea and I pulled out of the show. That would have been a case of easy-to-misunderstand messages with an improper delivery method. And it was clearly an instance of our scene being sensationalized and potentially demonized. I urge everyone to consider public outreach with similar careful consideration.

We should consider the use of talking points. When a group has a message they wish to consistently deliver to the public, they produce a set of talking points. Talking points get a bad rap in this politically charged time we’re in, and yes they’re sometimes misused, but they have power. They keep a group on message. They keep a group disciplined (and you know how much some of us like discipline).

Analogies are powerful tools when communicating hard to understand concepts and information. Remember the example of the movie set with the fight going on I mentioned earlier. Analogies like this illustrate concepts in ways difficult to do when simply stating facts.

We should use comparisons powerfully. When someone brings up the danger of BDSM, for example, offer a comparison to skydiving, boxing, football, or rock climbing to illustrate that somewhat risky endeavors can be done by consenting adults with proper care and preparation. And if it comes up, point out that yes, there may be accidents or mishaps that arise, but that does not negate the rights of people to engage in the activity. Few would argue that outlawing rock climbing or skydiving is feasible even though accidents have occurred in the past and will in the future.

We can utilize self-identification communication tools to get a message across. If you can help an individual find an aspect of their own life that they can relate our experience to, use it. As an example, perhaps you can remind them that some people still consider oral sex kinky. Assuming they’re into oral sex, all of a sudden you’ve identified them as potentially kinky, just like us. Whatever the self-identification anchor used, the moment someone relates something they hold near and dear in their lives to what we do and who we are, that’s the moment they begin to accept us, or at least tolerate us.

Language has power and we should choose it carefully. As Rudyard Kipling said, “Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.” So, do we really want to use our more loaded scene vernacular that we might understand, but some others outside the inner sanctum most likely will not? Choose gentler language that conveys the same meaning and might deliver the message without the resistance that more stark language would engender. Even the word kinky can erect walls blocking communication. Would replacing kinky sex with something like creative sex or adventurous sex deliver the same message more clearly and avoid those kneejerk reactions. We should at least consider it.

And with these various strategies we should target our outreach to where it does the most good. Forget attempting to normalize the entirety of our scene, except perhaps when reaching out to professionals like psychotherapists and doctors or to people we want to be allies in ensuring we retain the rights and freedoms to play and socialize as we wish.

There are many of us who don’t want to be normal. Many of us actually find the concept of normalization distasteful. It’s why we identify with the rebel nature of our sexuality in the first place.

In the past, I’v heard some consider the attempt at normalization an overextension of people's queer self-victimization. The logic went that people are used to fighting for queer rights, which gives them a way of thinking about the world, a certain paradigm in which they are the victim to the inequities of the world. I don’t think victimization thinking helps because once we adopt the perspective of the victim, we apply it to everything, including our kink scene. I don’t think victim is a helpful word or mindset. I’m no one’s victim.

A friend pointed out that the attempt by some in our scene at normalization stems, perhaps, from thinking of ourselves as a community rather than the outlaw sexual creatures we are. He feels identifying as a community started the whole “out of the darkness” movement since some people see BDSM as their core identity and entire life and find themselves in a lifestyle that is by definition marginalized. They then apply what they know about “fighting back” to a world where it perhaps does not belong. I think he makes an interesting point and it’s certainly worth considering.

Remember to carefully select the information you plan to convey and tailor it to your audience. No two audiences will be the same and we should all take the time to ensure that we’ve considered the ramifications of the content of what we say.

For those familiar with Taoism, these words might sound familiar. “Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done…” Force will not work when we reach out to those we want to understand us, to those who might hold the keys to procuring our rights to be who we are and do what we do. When dealing outside the inner sanctum, think gentle. Think strategic. And always remember this scene is for us, not them. Protect the inner sanctum lest it become meaningless and empty.

To Raul, Bill, and Black-Jack, you have been granted the gift of a platform from which to do outreach and education. You are now among the representatives for many of us and I hope you understand the depth of trust that’s been placed in your hands. Use it wisely. Choose your words carefully. Assess the audiences you encounter and hone your message and style to suit the situation. This is how you’ll best represent us.

Remember also that although every person in our scene is a model for others, your elevation to the limelight opens your behavior and opinions to greater scrutiny. Especially for this title year, many will look to you as models. Models are important. With the bewildering ways in which sex, and especially kinky sex, can find expression, it really helps to have a model, an example, a living demonstration if you will. People can imitate models, resist models, argue and play off models, and use models as landmarks in their own erotic journeys.

And to everyone else in this audience, while you may or may not have an official platform from which to do outreach and education, every one of you is an emissary for the kinky, from the casual foot fetishist to the hardcore power dynamic player. Each of you should take equal care in representing yourself, your brethren, and your scene appropriately.

As one of San Francisco’s noted leathermen said to me recently, “It's so true that the diamonds that sparkle the most are the ones with the most facets.” Remember that our scene has many facets, inside and outside the inner sanctum. They’re all beautiful. Let’s show the world the beauty of our many facets, the beauty of our scene. And we can do that it if we all approach it properly. We can do it if we respect the desire of some of our brethren to protect the sacredness of the inner sanctum, while also respecting the desire of some of us to reach beyond the inner sanctum when the objectives make strategic sense to do so.

Thank you for your time and your attention.

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