The Allure of Collars
There are many reasons kinksters wear various styles of collars and there’s no single right way to do so
I was getting ready to write a post about another topic, but I randomly tuned into a Watts the Safeword Twitch stream and heard Pup Amp use the term “collar blindness.” I found the phrase on the mark for so much of what I see in various kink communities that I had to write about it immediately.
Pup Amp is a friend and he does Watts the Safeword with Mr. Kristofer Weston. To the best of my knowledge, Amp coined the term during one of their videos or broadcasts. Regardless, it was the first time I’d heard the term and I wanted to write about why I feel it’s an apt framing of what I often see when it comes to the pursuit of collars in many kink communities.
Nowadays when you go to any of the various kink events, bars, or social or play gatherings you’ll often see many people wearing collars. Even while walking down any dense big urban center, especially with a high percentage of queer population, you’ll probably see some people wearing collars. The use of collars within kink is at an all time high, yet perhaps their meanings are more muddled than ever.
By muddled I don’t necessary mean that as a bad thing. Rather than a collar representing just one meaning within kink, it’s morphed into a multitude of meanings. Some people aren’t happy about that. I see it as simply the normal maturation process of community symbology.
The meanings and purposes behind collars seem to be changing with the times. I am specifically referring here to the types of collars worn continually or regularly by someone, not the kinds that might be used primarily during a kink play session. Play collars are often used as part of play session rituals – put on at the start and taken off at the end. But in this post I’m referring to collars worn 24/7 or regularly, perhaps just worn when communing with other kinksters.
If you wear a collar or someone in your life does, what does it mean to you? What is its purpose? How do you navigate their use? What social graces do you feel should be adhered to when dealing with collars? How do you interpret what a collar on someone else actually means? These are the questions I've periodically asked myself and my circle of friends. Here are my thoughts.
Once upon a time, at least in the gay men's leather scene, collars were not a common sight. Occasionally you would see a guy wearing a locked chain collar and you figured the key was held by someone else and they were in some form of intense dominant/submissive relationship. There were a few permutations of this concept, but generally that’s what you thought.
Today, that assumption can lead to a lot of miscommunications. Especially with so many people wearing collars with varying meanings. I hope to clear up some potential misunderstandings regarding collars and make navigating them within our scene a bit easier.
I currently observe collars worn by members of some kink communities to indicate a wide variety of meanings such as:
Partners wearing matching collars as a symbol of their partnership (not necessarily dominant/submissive in nature).
Pup collars, some with locks and some not, to indicate pup status, but not necessarily with any power dynamic attached to it.
Collars with open locks indicating they're open to the idea of someone taking control (locking the lock).
Chain collars with no lock (dog style choker collars for example) worn simply to engender a stylistic look telegraphing an interest in edgier sex or kink.
Leather thongs tied in a knot around the neck used as a trial "dating" collar.
Self-locked or non-locked chain collars that symbolize a submissive status but without necessarily indicating a long-term associated dominant/submissive relationship.
Collars that symbolize a dominant/submissive relationship.
There are yet more variations I could list. The meanings of collars have changed and people have adapted them to suit their own particular erotic or identity needs.
The many meanings of collars these days have proven controversial for some. There are those kinksters who feel that collars are sacred and their meanings more fixed and less fluid than others might consider them. My own personal stance is that all subcultural symbols are a product of that subculture and our leather and kink subcultures are clearly signaling that such symbols need to change to meet certain people's needs, desires, and identities.
I'm fine with that. Change is the norm and we have to accept that we can't remain transfixed by a supposed rigid leather culture past at which time such symbols might have had more narrow interpretations.
But we still have to honor and navigate all those meanings. How do you do that?
There are three things I think everyone needs to do when encountering someone wearing a collar, and they're rather basic and simple.
Never reach out and touch someone's collar. Never. Ever. It’s an invasion of someone’s personal space, but you might also be violating a sacred or cherished meaning for the collar. It’s considered downright rude and disrespectful to touch someone’s collar without first asking the person. And honestly, why do you need to touch it at all? If you have the inclination to reach out and touch someone's collar without asking, stop. Ask. Ask for consent. It's simply bad manners to not ask.
Make no assumptions when you see someone wearing a collar. It’s human nature to make assumptions, but try to resist that tendency. It might be an important relationship totem or it might be a personal statement for an evening. Or it might be one of many other personal or relationship statements. No single assumption is guaranteed to be correct. So, try to keep an open mind about what a collar might mean.
Despite what anyone might say, there is no such thing as a correct way to collar someone or to wear a collar. Everyone makes up their own process by which they offer or take a collar, or wear one on their own without anyone else’s involvement. Do what works for you and allow others to do the same.
Regardless of the fact that many leather and kink folk are wearing collars with varying meanings, some will still make snap assumptions. One friend said to me "For me, a collar means that person is partnered in some specific kinky way with someone and doesn’t want any erotic approach from someone else.” If one were to always make this assumption, you’d be wrong much of the time.
You’ll also hear people discount collars entirely because they feel they are nothing but a fashion statement. I can personally attest to the fact that many collars are by no means a fashion statement, although I’m not upset myself if someone chooses to wear a collar as some sort of personal statement, whatever that statement might be.
If you're unsure of what a collar on someone's neck means, ask. Yes, ask. It's so simple, but so many people don't to it. Something pretty basic like "I really like your collar. May I ask what it means to you?" will suffice. I've yet to encounter anyone who was unwilling to answer that question. In fact, many people wearing collars are so enthused about it that they enjoy telling others what it means.
Finally, let me explain why Pup Amp’s “collar blindness” phrase sparked the writing of this post.
In certain kink networks, collars are seen by some as a sort of status symbol. Much like when people thrust out their engagement or wedding ring fingers at parties for all to see to signal they’re officially “taken” (I know not every engaged or married person does this), some within kinky circles yearn for collars because they want to belong, they want to be seen as part of the inner sanctum of kinksters, they want to be viewed as someone worthy of being collared.
In my opinion, that is a terrible reason to wear or seek a collar. Far too often I see people seeking the collar itself more than the representation of the bond with the person bestowing it. Different strokes for different folks, but I stand by my belief that if a collar is a symbol of a relationship of any kind, it’s the relationship itself that’s most important, not the outward signaling of that relationship.
So, Amp’s collar blindness phrase really resonated because I see many blinded by the symbol itself when they should instead see it more as a nice punctuation for an already intimate and meaningful connection with one or more people.
Navigating our use of collars might be a bit more complicated than it once was, but it's heartening to me to see people taking ownership of their own symbols and using them in ways that best resonate with their own erotic or identity style. I think our scene is richer for it. If everyone abides by a few politeness guidelines, and uses relationship collars appropriately, everyone in the kink communities will be better off.
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