Some Good Advice

Here are my thoughts about what Mashable offered as their best sex advice for 2023.

Near the end of each year, publications and content creators post their “best of the year” lists. There’s something in the human psyche that appears to like these year-end lists. I tend to not create such lists when I write, but I do find them interesting.

That said, let me reference one of the many best of lists for 2023 that pertains to the focus of this newsletter, “Best sex advice of 2023,” from Mashable. Mashable tends to be a sex-positive publication, and I appreciate their respectful and thoughtful writings.

One of the great things about Mashable articles is they often embed links directly to supporting or related content. So, if you read the article, I recommend you click on some of the links and poke around that content too. Some good stuff.

Here are a few thoughts about each set of advice.

Setting Boundaries: Those of us who navigate within highly sexual or kink cultures tend to understand the concept of setting boundaries fairly well. Related to boundaries is the concept of consent, a cornerstone of kink communities for decades but increasingly a cornerstone of sexual interactions generally. You get to set whatever boundaries and require any form of consent you deem appropriate for your needs. No questions. If an environment doesn’t fit your personal boundary or consent guidelines, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation.

Orgasming Solo But Not During Partnered Sex: One of the things kinky people understand far more than the non-kinky is that orgasms are not always the ideal goal of sex, and let me suggest that solo sex (masturbation) is indeed sex. Adult content and overly romanticized fantasy superhuman sexual performers have perhaps moved our society to be too orgasm focused and not intimacy and “feel good” focused. If you do want to improve your orgasm frequency and quality, the article contains some suggestions.

Lasting Longer in Bed: I believe our societal obsession with the length of sexual performance is rooted in our culture that measures just about everything. We’ve reduced our attitudes to a quantity over quality mindset. If shorter sex satisfies you, great. If you like and want longer sessions, great. But stop thinking one is better than the other. In “Stop Measuring So Much,” I wrote about the folly of measuring so much.

Most measurements are essentially comparisons. While in some cases measurements are vital, such as in science and research, when it comes to our own lives measuring can have many downsides.

Trying Kink: Well, this is definitely my wheelhouse as anyone who’s followed my life and writings over the past decades knows. In “So, You’re New to Kink,” I offer lots of advice on how to explore kink.

Of all the questions I’ve been asked over the years about kink, without a doubt the most frequently asked is “I’m new to kink. How do I get started?”

Sober Sex: There are a lot of people in my life who are sober by choice, sober because they have had problems with alcohol or substances and now choose to be sober as a result, or who might not be entirely sober but substances aren’t a central focus of their sex lives. Sober sex can be incredibly hot sex. In fact, sometimes it’s better sex. Relating back to my previous comment about how our society often measures things with more being perceived as better, I think often substances are used to artificially extend sex sessions or to attempt to falsely attempt to create a superhuman sexual performer, the folly of “more is better.”

STIs: Over the years, I’ve worked in various aspects of HIV and STI (formerly referred to as STD) prevention and treatment. Sexual public health has been a passion since I worked on the frontlines of HIV/AIDS prevention in the 1980s and as an advocate for treatment. All that said, I feel that the fear of contracting an STI is somewhat overblown in many instances. For many, HIV is preventable through PrEP and if HIV is acquired and treated properly can’t be transmitted (undetectable equals untransmissible). We also know covered sex prevents much of transmission and many people still choose that option. We have newer post-exposure STI treatments like DoxyPEP that greatly reduces transmission rates. At the core of the fear of STIs is often societal stigma. It’s stigma that drives STI transmission rates. The stigma of getting tested for STIs which every single person who is non-monogamously sexually active should be doing regularly. The stigma when someone contracts an STI and needs to alert their recent sex partners. The stigma because STIs are “sexually” transmitted infections and our society is still horrifically phobic about anything overtly sexual.

Adult Content: Please don’t ever fall prey to the fear mongers who want to blame porn for the evils of society. I’m not going to belabor the point, but porn isn’t harmful. And like the article mentions, watching porn with your partner has benefits.

Culturally Competent Sex Therapy: If a therapist makes you feel bad for having consensual sex of any kind with another adult, consider finding another therapist. Many therapists are still mired in a sex-phobic mindset. One would think therapists are more educated and worldly about sex, but many are not. You can find a therapist you can talk to about sex if you look. It might take a few tries. Don’t give up. Don’t be shamed for the types of sex you enjoy or with whom. If you’re a bit kinky, I’m one of the founders of the Kink Aware Professionals referral service now managed by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. In my own San Francisco Bay Area, we have therapist collectives like Bay Area Open Minds where you can find nonjudgmental therapists. Here’s a good article about how to find a kink-aware therapist. Often kink-aware therapists are far more accepting and knowledgeable about all the variations of sexuality.

OPP: LGBTQ people might less often enact a one penis policy. In my experience, it’s more prevalent in heterosexual non-monogamous people. OPP is typically a rule within the context of a non-monogamous relationship that when you have sex with people outside of the relationship those other partners must not have a penis. I’ve also seen this interpreted as people can engage in erotic play outside of a relationship but no penis insertion is allowed. I’m not a fan of this policy, but of course people have every right to have it if it’s agreed upon by both parties of the couple. But frequently it’s rooted in patriarchal thinking.

As experts shared with Mashable, an OPP is rooted in patriarchal control of women, and men may want to instate it because they're insecure.

Sex Is Good For You: There is plenty of research that supports having sex being good for you. Good for your brain. Good for your body. Even if your sex is primarily solo (masturbation) sex, it’s still incredibly good for you. If you ever want a great book to read that details the benefits of solo sex, check out Gloria Brame’s The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer for the 21st Century Volume I: Sex and the Self.

There’s a lot of great, and not so great, sex advice online and in various publications and books. Do a search on “sex advice” and gobs of search results are returned. My overarching advice is to never take any one source (including me) as the right advice for you. Not two people are the same. So, no two people’s sex needs are the same.

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