Shaking Things Up

Sometimes it’s a good idea to try new things to resist the pervasive allure of sameness.

As a follow up to my last post, “The Wisdom of the Newbie,” I thought I would write about a topic related to the sentiment expressed in that post.

Part of embracing newcomers to an alternative sexuality or relationship style community, to whom much of this newsletter’s content is aimed, is realizing that part of the upside is being exposed to new perspectives and new ways of doing things. It is their “beginner” status that can be leveraged to inject variety and new ideas into what can sometimes be communities laden with rigidity. Sometimes it’s good to shake things up a bit.

At the risk of being overly self-referential, let me point you to my “Embracing a Beginner’s Mind” post on my Musings from a Curious Mind newsletter page.

The moment you are committed to a specific rigid path it can block creativity and effective problem solving. It’s only by looking at something from constantly changing angles and perspectives that you can see the entirety of it and allow your innate creative drive to “see” differently and therefore think and create differently.

Among some kinksters, rigidity is their calling card. There is only one way to do that kink. These are the absolute rules you must follow. Alternative relationship communities can be equally rigid. Polyamory must function this way. Relationships must fit into certain categories.

The list of musts and shoulds rather than maybes and possibles can become long and it’s not helpful.

What I’m getting at is that sameness can be the enemy of growth. Music and visual artist Don Van Vliet once said, “I’d never just want to do what everybody else did. I’d be contributing to the sameness of everything.” That sums up why I think shaking things up now and then is a good idea. Sameness can ultimately become pretty boring, individually and collectively.

I don’t want every kinkster to look and function the same.

I don’t want every leather community event like a contest or conference to be cookie-cutter versions of each other.

I don’t want every alternative relationship structure to operate by the same few sets of rules and guidelines.

I do want our sexualities and the relationships in which they exist to conform only to the needs and desires of the people experiencing them. I certainly want that for my own sexuality and relationships.

One of the things I try to do is experience different types of people and their communities to better understand them but also because I know exposure to variety and creativity improves my own sex life and relationships.

Recently, I hung out with a group of gay men who identify as pups.

Pup play is all about taking on a pup-like persona. It’s getting into the “pup” headspace. In this space, you’re playful, primal, and carefree. You’re not literally pretending to be a dog— it’s more about letting go of human pressures and stresses. Pup play, for many gay men, is an escape from the day-to-day.

Am I a pup? No. Do I play much within the pup community? No. But what I get from the pup community is an example of how to joyfully express oneself in a way different than what I might do in my own erotic life. Regardless of whether I engage in pup play itself, it serves as an educational metaphor whispering in my ear “It’s nice that you’re an old style leatherman, but there are lots of other ways to be and play if you want to explore outside that realm.”

Mere exposure to variety can spark further variety within our own life experience. Trying new things can become an adventure rather than seeming like some type of horrific violation of a rigidly codified sexuality and community.

So, this is my suggestion to you to try new things. Look to others and wonder to yourself if you might want to try new things, to shake things up. Might that improve your sex life or relationships? It might. At a minimum, you’ll better understand other subsets of people within your own community and that might engender more mutual respect and communal calm.

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