Respecting Younger Kink Enthusiasts

Kink subcultures and networks must make way for the younger among them to take their rightful place alongside older members to foster the mutual respect they all deserve.

About 10 years ago, in a social media group comprised mostly of San Francisco Bay Area kinky gay men, I recall a discussion taking place as the result of a post about the formation of a play group for under 40 guys. This immediately sparked a long and passionate debate about whether the event was ageist and exclusionary or was it simply an attempt by younger kinky guys to find their own space.

As I reflect back on that back and forth churn, it made me wonder if this dynamic might still be playing out throughout the gay men's leather and kink scene. Based on my conversation with men from around the country, I think it probably is, at least to some extent.

At the core of many of the original discussion thread's comments, as well as other similar discussions I've seen take place since, are a few points I'd like to address about younger kinksters and how they align and interact with the older among us (myself included since I’m about to turn 70 this year).

I know some of these same issues arise throughout all sectors of the orientation and gender spectrum of our scene, but I'm going to focus specifically on gay men because I've seen this happening up close mostly in that realm.

However, I do think much of this does apply to everyone. While the various demographics within the kink scene are distinctly different, they also share commonalities. I’ve heard similar discussions taking place within kink and leather groups and events for heterosexual, pansexual, lesbians, and other variations of the gender and orientation spectrum. So, if what I’m saying here seems to apply to you or your group, event, social circle, or larger community, I hope it helps.

Younger kinksters wanting their own groups, events, and play parties is exclusionary and ageist.

I think one of the downsides of the hyperinclusion that influences much of our scene (and yes, there are certainly many upsides too) is that anytime someone requests their own space it somehow gets labeled as exclusionary, elitist, separatist, or some other such negative. Most of the time it's none of those things.

Sometimes certain groups of people need their own space. As but just one example, there's are good reasons that ONYX formed as a place for leathermen of color to gather, commune, and bond. They didn't always see themselves or their issues reflected in other venues. They have commonalities others might not share. ONYX is a very successful attempt to give some guys who feel they need their own space a place where they can feel safe and understood. As it is with people of color, women, trans folks, and others, who also sometimes need their own space, why should it be any different for younger kinksters.

You're too young to be a dom, sir, boss, or some variation of a power dynamic top.

In a word, bullshit. This particular refrain bugs me personally because my first incarnations as a leatherman were entirely from the dominant perspective starting at the age of 19. To discount young guys identifying or playing from a dominant-leaning mindset is simply insulting. I’ve seen younger guys who are brilliant dominants and I’ve seen long-time leathermen with decades of supposed experience who are, frankly, terrible dominants. I’ve seen relatively little correlation between length of time in the scene or age and whether someone is a good power dynamic player or not.

Younger kinksters must pattern their kinky lives and identities based on the leather past.

The collision that sometimes takes place between older leathermen who have been around the scene for a while and younger newcomers is now legendary. Although thankfully I’ve seen this far less during the last few years. I often joke that some of us older guys come off like a grumpy old men screaming at the kids to "get off my lawn."

The default assumption for some older guys seems to be that just because their erotic identities, ways of playing, and social constructs looked and operated a certain way means that younger guys should abide by those same things. No, they should not. History and the past are something to be learned from, but rarely something to be copied verbatim. Time moves on. Everything changes, and that includes our scene. Therefore, it's quite natural that younger kinksters would configure their identities, relationships, play styles, and social interactions somewhat differently than their older counterparts.

To my fellow older kinksters who are annoyed by this, I have but one bit of advice – get over it. Time moves on. Let the younger kinky guys create their own networks and communities much as we did decades ago.

Your kink looks different than my kink. So you must be doing it wrong.

This is related to the previous issue but is somewhat different. As the scene has changed, the popularity of certain kinks and sexual proclivities have emerged, particularly among younger players. When I first came out into the scene there weren't many pups, rubbermen (at least not in the United States), sports gear guys, rope practitioners, and so on. But guess what? They are part of our scene now and that genie is not going back in the bottle. Every generation wants to imprint their own special flavor on what they do. Why should their sexuality be any different? I think the diversity of sexual expression is a plus, not a minus.

Clubs, organizations, and groups should be led by the older and more experienced.

While there is some wisdom in leveraging people who have some mileage in terms of running such things, it can be just as much of a drawback. I've seen older kinksters display entrenched and rigid thinking, often simply replicating old ways of doing things rather than coming up with something new and innovative.

Sometimes groups need some fresh air when it comes to who is running those groups and younger people can bring in that new perspective. Younger people often take more chances, think in different ways, and reference a more contemporary culture to inform their decisions. Adding younger people to the running of things will likely add to their effectiveness and better serve the entire range of their constituency.

I could offer many other negatives I've heard thrown at younger kinksters, but ultimately I've yet to see any valid arguments that bolster claims that younger guys (or younger kinksters of any gender/orientation) are any less capable, kinky, or authentic than their older counterparts.

I’m one older kinkster who is incredibly happy to see younger kinksters morphing and changing the scene into something that certainly looks a bit different than it used to, but I believe has more breadth and depth in terms of the variations of kink and identities it embraces. And I think that's a good thing.

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