Resisting Conformity
There’s nothing wrong with conforming to the pack if that makes you happy, but there should be room for those who don’t.
This newsletter focuses on sexuality and relationships, and people sure do have opinions about both, me included. I fully admit that sometimes I become entrenched in rigid thinking about certain aspects of these things.
However, I hope I have an open enough mind to change opinions and more readily accept other people’s perspectives. I also hope I’m not the same person today I was decades ago. The rigidity of some of my past and current views has not always served me well.
Recently, I read an excellent post by Jahsonaj, “Sex & Opinions.” The post opens with a quotation by Jason Ricardo Thomas.
Along your journey there are two influences you are bound to meet: sex and opinion. You must make them your own; taking them from others may lead you astray.
The post by Jahsonaj is excellent and applies to so much of our status-conscious and sometimes performative actions that most of us fall prey to at least now and then.
In the realm of sexuality and relationships, the article is spot-on about how we often create and manage our sexualities (and relationships) in the ways we see all around us because it’s human nature to want to run with the pack.
I’m as guilty of conforming as anyone.
My gay leatherman image was crafted directly from mirroring the leathermen I encountered when I first came out kinky at a young age. That personal image has morphed over time, but aspects of those early influences remain.
The styles and values around the types of sex and play I engage in were initially learned by parroting those around me during my early explorations and many of those patterns stick around to this day.
How I partner in relationships and how I feel about monogamy, non-monogamy, and polyamory, were heavily influenced by gay men’s culture when I came out in the early 1970s. While my views and practices around these things have changed, those early influences still tug at me all the time trying to draw me back into conformity.
Jahsonaj articulates a stark difference between sexuality (and I contend relationships too) that manifests primarily as the result of influence or personal ownership and agency. Jahsonaj’s post offers us the opportunity to reflect on whether our beliefs and how we act on them were inherited or chosen. The concept of “chosen family” or “logical family” popularized by the writings of author, Armistead Maupin is akin to taking ownership versus simply following the larger culturally approved norms.
Often, I state that I’m proud to have crafted a sexual identity, practices, and relationship configurations unique to me. But upon deep reflection, it’s rather obvious much of it was due to influence rather than ownership.
Why do I say all this? Because I think our sexualities and relationships are best when the chosen ownership aspects control the direction of our lives more than simply abiding by external influences.
If a kinkster wants to dress and look a certain way that’s been reflected in a preponderance of kink imagery and social interactions, great. But it should be done knowing it’s an acceptance of conformity and that others might not find it as appealing.
If someone runs with a crowd that is predominantly non-monogamous or polyamorous and they prefer monogamy, they should feel comfortable doing what’s correct for them and not feel pressured to adjust to the crowd majority.
If someone embraces explorations of a wide array of types of sex and play, great. But some might be quite content with what some consider pedestrian sexualities and they shouldn’t be judged for that.
We need to make room for those among us who conform less and craft their sexualities and relationships in ways that might not always align with norms. At the same time, we need to make room for those who are entirely happy conforming. The goal should be to not judge any of these approaches because to do so is to violate the truism that we are all unique people with unique backgrounds and needs. And we also become different people over time. Having enforced rigid cultural norms runs entirely counter to the reality of individual uniqueness.
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