Polyamory As Orientation?

Whether being polyamorous is an orientation or not ultimately doesn’t matter as long as it makes you happy

In 2014, I read an article in Modern Poly (which appears to no longer be active) written by Saul-of-Hearts, a writer, musician, and videographer based in Los Angeles and Portland. The idea that polyamory is an orientation, at least for the writer, was put forth in “Polyamory As Orientation (And Why It Works For Me)”. I posted the article and asked my online friends a question.

So, what do you think? Is it similar to an orientation or not?

The range of answers I got was interesting as discussions regarding polyamory often are. This is especially true with my collection of online friends who range from actively polyamorous to staunchly monogamous and everything in between. But one comment stood out and resonated with me the moment I read it. A friend offered this comment.

The writer assumes that all humans are not naturally capable of a romantic relationship with more than one individual. I don't like the term poly. Most research into modern hunter/gatherer societies has shown that monogamy is a modern phenomenon and socially constructed for the purposes of property management and inheritance.

Monogamy isn't an orientation, it's conditioning.

Poly isn't an orientation. It is our natural state.

That rang true for me at the time. It still does for the most part, but my views have become more nuanced since then. I do think for many of us being poly is our natural state and that monogamy has been imposed upon us by social conditioning. If you read books like Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, they suggest essentially the same conclusion. Of course, this position is controversial for many.

I’ve softened somewhat on my stance. I don’t want to come off as assuming what might be my default state to be someone else’s. Do I think we’re acculturated into a monogamy mindset from birth? Yes. That messaging is everywhere and impossible to fully escape. But if someone claims that monogamy is their true default state, who am I to claim their experience is wrong.

That said, I stand by my contention that a lot of people who espouse monogamy are doing so more from a conditioned perspective than an objective one.

For those of us who identify as poly and who live a poly life, or have aspirations to do so, I think adopting the mindset that being poly might be a natural state (for them), while monogamy might not be, could be beneficial. However, the caution I offer is that this stance should not denigrate the decision that some will make to configure their relationships in a monogamous fashion.

Just because we might put forth the notion that poly is perhaps a natural state does not mean that someone's choice to be monogamous is wrong or counter to nature, especially if that decision is truly made for reasons that work for the individuals involved and are not the result of social conditioning that makes those people miserable as they try to conform. Besides, no one has definitively “proven” what our natural state is. Even well researched investigations end up being educated guesses at best.

Poly folks must always value the monogamous among us even as we live our lives in a different fashion. Diversity is the norm and therefore that means that people will decide to configure their relationships in diverse ways. It's all good.

With that said, I guess the most accurate statement I can make is that poly is natural, perhaps an orientation, for many people. But the real point I want to make is that it's most certainly just as natural as monogamy is and perhaps if social conditioning weren't a factor, might indeed be the more prevalent form of relationships.

So, while I don't think of myself being polyamorous as specifically an orientation, I do embrace the notion that my poly life is indeed a natural state. It's certainly more natural for me than monogamy, both in terms of my sexuality and how I bond with others.

Laura Boyle wrote in “Polyamory as an Orientation” a reasoned middle-ground stance.

In short, many people view polyamory as an orientation, equivalent to a sexual orientation, that they discovered and came out about; and a similar proportion of the People Who Have A Minute to Argue About These Things say it isn’t for them, but they’re polyamorous NOW, and that’s equally legitimate. I think they’re both valid and right for them; I’m in the latter camp, and there’s a word that’s been made up for the group who could go monogamous or polyamorous - ambiamorous - that’s gaining traction, although to me it sounds like a medication. It probably applies to me, since to me polyamory is a relationship style I’ve chosen. I have, and continue to, love polyamorous, ambiamorous, and monogamous people, and to respect anything people include in their identities versus their choices, and I hope you will too, regardless of how you feel about this issue.

I’m not sure I’m ambiamorous, but maybe I am. Regardless, increasingly I’m less concerned about whether my relationship style is an orientation or choice. I feel the same about being gay. It sure feels like I was born gay, but frankly I don’t care whether it was nature or nurture because I’m rather happy being gay and can’t imagine that ever not being the case. I feel the same about being polyamorous. It feels like my natural state, but whether it is or not, the important thing is to use a relationship style that works for you.

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