Playing Both Sides
Embracing your switch (versatile) erotic tendencies might be exactly what you want, need, and deserve.
Whether it was teaching a workshop, speaking to a group of kinksters, or in my writings over the years, I’ve often addressed the topic of switching.
For those unfamiliar with the term switching, it’s commonly used in leather and kink circles to reference sexual and erotic versatility.
In “The Kinky Tendency You Might Not Realize You Have,” Sophie Saint Thomas describes switching this way.
When it comes to BDSM kinks, some people, like my former partner, fit snuggly into a specific role: a dominant (one who takes a controlling role) or a submissive (one who submits to the dominant partner). However, while I'm primarily submissive, I realized that I am what's known in BDSM as a "switch." This just means that I am "someone who enjoys switching roles, from dominant to submissive, or bottom to top," says Moushumi Ghose, a Los Angeles-based, kink-friendly sex therapist. "This is often done in the same setting with the same partner, or in different settings with different partners," she says.
While in recent years switching as a term for versatility has mostly been used in a BDSM context, these days I’m seeing it used in the kink communities generally to identify versatility whether the kink is BDSM or not. This aligns with my view that while in the past kink was essentially equated with BDSM, that’s no longer the case. BDSM is a subset of kink but they’re not necessarily synonymous.
I think the self-identification switch label and the topic of switching have such appeal because it’s one of those umbrella terms that allows for discussion about a whole bunch of sacred cows within the kink scene.
Fluidity of wants and needs. The truth is that our sexuality and relationship needs aren’t static. They’re fluid. They change over time. What we want and need out of our sexuality and relationships changes as we change as people. For some it changes a lot, for others a little, but change is inevitable. Everyone deserves to have those wants and needs met.
Overcoming Old Guard protocol. I’m someone who comes from what many consider the Old Guard era of leather sexuality culture, but I’m not someone who worships at its altar. Much of what’s been presented about the Old Guard era is more myth than fact. Regardless, much of what constitutes the core of Old Guard thinking is good and embracing some of it can be beneficial. But being constrained and limited by such thinking is not so good. Time moves on and so do entire sexual subcultures. We either move on with them or get left in the dust to wonder what happened and why our sexuality doesn’t seem relevant anymore. I rarely use the Old Guard term these days and am privately hoping it recedes into kink history as a perhaps once useful term that’s less relevant to modern kinksters.
Dominant/submissive dynamics. Those in dominant/submissive (dom/sub) relationships or who play within that realm often struggle with versatility (switching) issues. A dom who also likes to bottom or a sub who also likes to top can meet with resistance to such desires, both within their relationships and within the kink communities at large. These days I’m also seeing an abundance of submissive tops and dominant bottoms stake out their claim to rightful self-identification.
Real-world issues. Having to confront the issues around switching prompts discussions about all the other real-world issues that arise when our sexual and relationship dynamic fantasies mix with the realities of the world in which we live daily.
Diversity. Sometimes those who hang out in the kinky world like their sexual roles, activities, and accompanying relationships to be clear cut and constant. There’s a certain comfort in that for some, but many (most?) find those constants to be limiting and they can squash any creativity or growth. We’re each unique. Diversity of erotic expression is the rule, not the exception.
If you’re reading this and feel you’re quite happy with your sexuality and relationships just as they are, great! I’m all for each of us pursuing what works for us. However, if you’re someone for whom versatility and ongoing adaptation is important, I strongly urge you to resist any efforts to sway you from those thoughts, desires, and needs. Go for it. Enjoy. After all, it’s your sexuality and your relationships. Do them your way. Otherwise, why bother? It’s supposed to be fun and fulfilling. Do whatever it takes within consensual bounds to make it so.
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