Perhaps Copy Carefully, But Then Move On
Copy others if you wish because sometimes that’s a good starting point, but don’t stop there because you’ll deny yourself the joy of finding your true self.
As I was writing “Just Do It, Because No One Cares” on one of my other newsletter pages, it dawned on me how directly applicable it is to the audience of this newsletter.
From more than 1000 interviews in 35 countries of older people, the consensus on what not to do in life was resounding.
The first lesson he learned from asking his subjects this question: “What is the one thing that when you were younger you put a lot of importance on but as you got older you realized wasn’t that important.”
85% of those he interviewed answered caring too much about the opinions of other people, caring too much about what other people think of us. People phrased it in different ways, but that was the gist of their answers.
So often those of us in the various sectors of leather, kink, sex-positive, non-monogamy, or polyamory communities violate the wisdom of not caring about what other people think. In fact, sometimes we fall so deep into the rabbit hole of clamoring for acceptance that we’re willing to suppress our own uniqueness and happiness to fit in.
Perhaps someone is new to the leather community. They find someone that seems to have their shit together and copy them. Their garb. Their attitudes. Their rights and wrongs. Their social rules. Their rules regarding play. Sometimes that works out, but sometimes the outcomes aren’t great.
I’m beginning this post referencing the leather community because I know it so well but also because I think it at times falls prey to the copycat mentality far more than it should. As an example, socially sticky mythologies like Old Guard stuff end up being unwisely heralded as templates everyone else should use.
Copying others is a time-tested way to “begin” one’s entry into a new activity, identity, or community, but it shouldn’t stop there. It’s just a starting point. If years later your version of being a leather person looks exactly like that of the person or persons you copied, what aspect of your own uniqueness have you developed and expressed?
The famed singer Billie Holiday once said “You can’t copy anybody and end with anything. If you copy, it means you’re working without any real feeling.
The singer who once won Eurovision, Conchita Wurst, said “Be the best version of yourself rather than a bad copy of someone else.”
In the larger realm of the vast array of kinksters and kink communities, the same applies. If you choose to copy, do so only as a starting point to find your footing. Then begin to create the unique kinkster that is you.
If you navigate within any aspect of communities that align with a sex-positive mindset, realize lots of people will tell you things you should do when in fact they’re really telling you what worked for them. So sure, listen to them, listen to anyone, but reserve copying for when you’re sure it aligns with who you are as a person.
The world of non-monogamy and polyamory is also replete with copycat mentalities. As we label and define certain styles of non-monogamy and polyamory (solo poly, swinging, relationship anarchy, monogamish, kitchen table poly, hierarchical poly, and so on), it’s so easy to attempt to fit the full roundness of our unique relationship needs and desires into the square hole of an existing definition and all the related baggage that might bring with it.
Your uniqueness is what makes you special. It’s what makes you unlike anyone else and that’s a great thing.
In 2018, I delivered the keynote address at a kink conference in Canada, Wicked in the West. In that speech I said this.
Closely related to celebrating your uniqueness is understanding that ultimately only your opinion matters. Much of the suffering we force upon ourselves stems from our irrational need to impress others, even when those others are complete strangers.
I stand by that sentiment today.
Individuality means honoring the uniqueness in each of us. As the poet E.E. Cummings wrote, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” And also pertinent, I'd like to offer my favorite quote of all time from the beloved Dr. Seuss, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Copy if you wish. Sometimes that’s a great starting point. But please don’t stop learning and growing and especially don’t stop finding your most joyful and happy version of yourself as you explore your own sexuality or relationship path.
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