Pausing Amid Sexual Attraction

Sometimes taking a pause and thinking a bit more deeply about a person, erotic situation, or relationship will make it better in the long run.

Today I was reading a truly excellent book, Happy: Why More or Less Everything is Absolutely Fine (paid link), by Derren Brown. I read a passage and was struck by how applicable it is to our sexualities and relationships.

Brown is discussing how the ancient philosopher Plato’s “Platonic Ideas” (also known as “Forms”) can help us stop feeling envy or unhealthy hero worship. Brown was pointing out that separating a person’s inner qualities from their exterior outer appearances can help us witness true beauty rather than simply the obvious manifestation of the person in front of us.

Plato’s Forms apply to everything physical we might see or touch, but it most certainly applies to people as well.

Part of the fun of sexual attraction is the intensity of idolising the object of our affections. It can allow us to find all aspects of them – how they wear their shoes, the glimpse of a tattoo, their choice of hairstyle – wildly sexy. In terms of pleasure, there’s no contest. But Plato can help us: if we wish to take the sting out of a crush, there is no better way than getting to know its object. It isn’t long before a range of imperfections make themselves known and we realise we are not dealing with an ideal Form but a mere shadow cast on the wall. Once our idealised impressions of a person are loosened up in this way, we can make better decisions.

So, how does this relate to our sexualities and relationships?

Often in sexual subcultures, like the vast array of kink communities, we buy in entirely to the exterior manifestation of what it is we see and are experiencing in that moment. We see a sexy, iconically leather or fetish clad person before us and we immediately fill in the mental blanks about that person, bestowing upon them an idealized persona that might not match reality at all.

Sure, sometimes the purely physical and obvious is awesome. We might have sex with someone as a one-night romp of a hookup and it’s a great time. We might be in awe of their beauty, garb, or verbal style. Not a problem. I’ve certainly done that many times and will most certainly do so again.

But when our erotic interactions with someone become more regular and frequent, then I think it’s advisable to take a pause to try and discern who the real person is behind the veneer.

This applies to intimate relationships of all kinds too. Upon initial attraction to someone, we’re often in an extended state of limerence.

A floaty, manic, excited, feeling that often arises after meeting or spending time with someone who you are recently attracted to. Also, a fluttering heart, or butterflys in the stomach are symptoms of the feeling. It is similar to infatuation except that it lingers, is usually less lusty and does not have the same negative connotation. Also is usually a temporary state, unlike love. Often thoughts of the person are deep and engaging, resulting in day dreaming. The word was originally founded by a Psychologist in the 1970s.

(Source: Urban Dictionary)

Many of us have witnessed friends who have jumped directly into a relationship and moved in with the person or gotten married within a matter of months. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it does not. I think the advice often given to wait until the state of limerence is entirely in the past before making any big permanent relationship decisions is wise.

Some research has been done on the limerence state. One theory is that the neurotransmitter norepinephrine takes hold during the initial relationship phase. Norepinephrine is also known to cause the fight or flight reaction, but it can also trigger heightened arousal and excitement.

When friends ask me how long they should wait until they move in with someone or partner or marry, my answer isn’t always well received. Typically, I say “wait as long as you possibly can” because I have never seen a downside to waiting for such important relationship decisions.

Yes, moving in together might offer some cost-cutting financial benefits, but the pain and labor of separating lives once merged isn’t worth it, at least for me. I had someone move in with me far too quickly in the past and I’ve sworn to never do that again. Plus, the truth is, many partners never move in together, but that’s a topic for another post.

What I’m getting at here is that when you find yourself incredibly turned on to someone as a potential regular sexual, play, or relationship partner of any kind, maybe take a pause and consciously try to see the person as realistically as possible. Rather than acknowledge only the idealized person in front of you, consider the entirety of their personality, actions, values, and sense of ethics.

True objectivity is probably not going to happen because our attractions in such instances are strong, but the closer you can get to bypassing your subjectivity and looking at the person objectively, the better. Sometimes it’s difficult to pull ourselves away from the limerence state long enough to make anything close to an accurate assessment, but I think trying it a good idea.

You can also build in some guardrails ahead of time that can help you avoid situations you might find yourself wanting to back out of later.

Maybe you tell a potential sexual or play partner that you’re not the type of person to commit to anything ongoing and serious for a while. When intense emotions are present such as a strong power exchange dynamic relationship vibe, it can be more difficult to engage those brakes. I still think one should try.

Maybe you make a pact with yourself that you’ll never move in with or marry someone until at least three years of dating has taken place.

I know. I can hear some protests now. You know of exceptions, and I know of some too. My first partner and I met, never left each other’s side for two weeks, and that was that. We were together for 14 years. I still stand by my suggestion to wait.

Having lived a long life and been in many relationships, including many that included strong kink or power dynamic elements, my hindsight informs me even in those instances I should have waited longer. It wouldn’t have hurt any of those relationships or sexual partnerships to wait longer than I did to seal the deal. I feel I was simply lucky in some instances. In others, they crashed and burned quickly because I jumped ahead of my now solidified pausing self-advice.

Some of you reading this will take my advice. Some of you will not. I’m not naïve. I know the power and allure of certain sexual partnerings or relationships. Still, taking a pause to reflect on the situation and the person can’t hurt and might just end up being the pause that saves you from some heartache or an unpleasant experience.

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