My Best Sex Advice

Here’s what I told someone when they asked for my best advice about having good sex.

Because I have a long history of writing and speaking about sexuality topics, people often ask me for advice. Sometimes their question is specific, and I answer it to the best of my ability. Sometimes they seek advice that’s more generalized.

Recently someone asked me for my single best piece of sex advice and without hesitation I offered this.

Make having sex with the person the priority and what specific sexual activities or erotic mindset you share together secondary.

This may seem like it should be the norm, but I’m not sure it is.

We sometimes elevate certain manifestations of physical beauty as the primary motivating force behind sexual connections with them.

We sometime elevate certain types of activities, kinks, or erotic personas as the primary motivating force behind sexual connections.

I’ve followed both approaches in my own sex life.

Far too often I’ve been swayed and cajoled by someone’s physical beauty, and it’s blinded me enough to result in mediocre sex.

There are times I’ve prioritized having a certain type of sexual connection, such as a specific type of kink scene, over exactly who I’m having that connection with. It’s often less than satisfying. This is why it’s sometimes difficult for me to walk into a group play situation and feel entirely comfortable. This is especially true for the kinkier styles of play I enjoy.

In kinkier settings, such as a BDSM play party, it’s extremely rare you’ll find me connecting with someone I just met at the event. For BDSM or the kinkier aspects of my erotic life, I need a certain amount of connection prior to the play for it to work well. The connection builds the trust that’s needed in edgier types of play.

Speaking of kink, I think sometimes kinksters end up so focused on a certain type of erotic activity that they care less about the person with whom they’re doing it. Maybe someone wants to get tied up and they know someone’s good at it and don’t really care much about them as a person. That’s valid. It’s not what makes me happy, but it’s valid if it works for someone.

If someone can have fully satisfying sexual connections being focused entirely on looks or specific types of sexual play, great. I’m not there yuck anyone’s yum. Everyone should do what works.

However, from my own experience, being able to stare into someone’s eyes and feel like I truly know them and their inner erotic landscape lends itself to far better play than were I to interact with just an attractive body or simply engage in sex or kink activity X, Y, or Z.

It should also be noted that I’ve been able to form rather deep, intimate bonds with someone after just a few moments of interaction. It’s not how long it takes to know someone. It’s the intention of actively trying to get to know them.

I don’t want to squelch someone’s attraction to anonymous, quick hookup, or group sex situations in which it’s quite likely you’ll interact with a complete stranger but for a fleeting moment. They have their place in the panoply of the vast set of erotic choices we can make. They really do. I sometimes enjoy those situations myself.

I’m not even going to dissuade someone from a steady diet of just those kinds of sexual interactions. If they work for someone, more power to them.

But when the person asked for my best piece of advice, it came directly from my own experience having for decades engaged in every type of sexual connection from the most anonymous and fleeting to the deeply engaged and intimate. I contend the deeply engaged and intimate is ultimately more fulfilling for many of us, perhaps most of us.

There’s a tendency for us to speak in absolutes. That’s not my intention here. To declare that only deeply intimate sex with someone you know extremely well is the only good sex one can have would be ludicrous. That’s not true. One can have very good sex with a complete stranger as much as with someone you’re dating or a partner. One time I had a brief encounter with a man in a gay men’s sex space that lasted perhaps 15 minutes but will forever have a place in my mind as among the hottest experiences I’ve had.

Much like all of life, the erotic and sexual satisfaction markers reside on a spectrum. On one end reside entirely anonymous, one-time connections. On the other end reside deeply intimate and connected encounters. Our sex lives can play out anywhere on that spectrum and be perfectly satisfying. Still, I contend that erring more often on the side of intimacy and fully informed connections is more likely to result in better sex for most of us most of the time.

Want to know my second-best piece of sex advice?

When discussing possibly having sex with someone, ask them if they’re willing to divulge what goes through their mind most often when masturbating. That provides plentiful insight into their erotic psyches with just a few minutes of discussion.

So, there you go. You got two bits of sex advice from me in this post. Do with them what you will. Our right to a satisfying sex life (and I do consider that a basic human right) should take us wherever it takes us as long as everyone’s a consenting adult. But I’d still bet that if you get to know someone more intimately, and maybe ask them what they think about when they masturbate, you’ll end up with some rather wonderful sexual experiences.

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