Lookism in Erotic Subcultures

Within various erotic subcultures such as kink communities lookism plays a significant part in how we accept and treat each other.

Recently, I read a couple of articles that made me reflect on how the entire set of erotically focused communities such as kink communities treat people of differing looks and how prevalent lookism is within those communities.

Since many among my readership are members of one or more kink communities, I do think overall, based entirely on my own observations, that the level of acceptance of a wider range of appearances is becoming greater within those communities than in the general population. But we can always do better.

When I refer to lookism, this is what I mean.

Lookism is prejudice or discrimination toward people who are considered to be physically unattractive. It occurs in a variety of settings, including dating, social environments, and workplaces.

(Source: Wikipedia)

In “The scourge of lookism,” Andrew Mason focuses specifically on how lookism encourages appearance discrimination in the workplace. But much of what he discusses can be applied to what I’m calling erotic subcultures which include kink, leather, gay, lesbian, swinging, and other communities that have some or entirely sexual underpinnings to the community dynamics.

Our responses to the looks of others often involve unjustified associations, whether positive or negative, between appearance features and character traits. These associations may function as implicit biases, or sometimes take the form of stereotypes that are endorsed with varying degrees of unreflectiveness.

I’ve certainly witnessed this.

When I’ve been in mixed gender and orientation spaces, I’ve witnessed women often being held to harsher appearance standards than men.

When I’ve communed with kinky lesbians, I’ve witnessed highly feminine presenting women sometimes more readily dismissed by butcher community members.

In the kinky gay men’s spaces in which I socialize and play most often, I’ve frequently witnessed certain men who present as hyper masculine and buffed garner most of the attention while more average men are ignored.

Of course, none of this is universal. There are plenty of heterosexual, pansexual, gay, lesbian, and other communities and spaces that are overtly or culturally more accepting of the natural diversity of appearance.

Plus, we’re all acculturated to worship beauty and idealized physical perfection. Advertising, social media, fitness products and services, and fashion and beauty marketing, among others, elevate those considered most universally beautiful in the eyes of the general public. We can’t escape those influences although we can continue to push back against their singular message.

In “Gay gym culture has a deadly downside,” Alexander Cheves points out the potential negatives of certain aspects of gay men’s culture, but I think much of what he says applies to all genders and orientations these days.

“Social media exacerbates body dysmorphia because it’s so easy to dehumanize online,” he adds. “People and their bodies can be reduced to things strangers can comment on.”

If one looks to social media there is a constant barrage of physically perfect images carefully curated and sometimes manipulated to project the perfect human specimen to sell something or simply to garner some positive attention. All of that can be entirely fine, but unless we remain fully aware that it’s happening we can easily fall prey to the lookism that such imagery can unknowingly foster.

I’ve always seen examples of lookism in certain communities like kink and leather, but thankfully at the same time I’m nowadays seeing a concerted effort to broaden imagery and messaging to be more inclusive of various types of people. This is a positive development.

By the way, my desire to see the various erotic subcultures broaden their readiness to accept people of differing appearances does not negate that we each individually have every right to like who we like.

As an example, there’s a young man in my own erotic sphere with whom I interact who is quite clear that men under the age of 50 don’t interest him at all sexually. He’s not nasty about it. He doesn’t socially discriminate. But when it comes to his sexual partners, he sticks with older men like me. Different strokes, different folks.

There’s a potential sexual and relationship person for everyone. Of that I’m confident. But as a set of erotically focused communities, I think it behooves us to remain vigilant in checking that our individual biases and prejudices don’t trickle into outright discrimination and ostracization. Collectively, I hope we continue to increase our rate of acceptance of the diverse set of body types and looks, especially in social spaces, public venues, and big events.

Professional wrestler Nia Jax once said, “Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and nobody should have self-doubt.” I agree.

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