Language Can Be Tricky

Language always changes culturally and language within kink communities is no different.

Lately, I’ve been pondering whether to write an updated third edition of my book Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking (paid link). After much thought, I’ve decided not to write a third edition, but rather perhaps write a new book that would be a robust extension of one of my articles, “So, You’re New to Kink.” I’m not sure when I’ll write this, but for me it seems more currently relevant than an updated version of Learning the Ropes although I’ll likely use the content of Learning the Ropes as the starting baseline for the new book.

Why my decision not to produce a third edition? Because I think the kink scene has broadened its scope significantly since the book was originally written and even since the publication of the second edition. While there are people within kink that focus exclusively on BDSM, the modern kink scene has grown to embrace such a wide diversity of kink expressions, identities, and activities that to focus solely on BDSM feels like addressing too small a subset of the overall set of kink communities. Some might feel differently, but that’s how I see it.

For those confused by my use of the plural, communities, it’s because I don’t think there’s a single-minded, monolithic kink community. It feels to me more like an ever-growing set of separate kink communities that overlap to greater or lesser extent like a Venn diagram of various sized circles that overlap in differing degrees. That’s part of the reason why I’ve decided to not write a third edition of Learning the Ropes. I’d rather speak to the entirety of kink communities to the greatest extent possible and not a specific subset.

Anyway, back in 2010, I was beginning to think about a rewrite of Learning the Ropes which did end up resulting in an updated second edition. As part of that rewrite, I was considering rephrasing the subtitle. One of my quandaries was the use of the acronym S/M. Since the original book was published in 1992, I wondered if the S/M form of the acronym still held up. So, I created a Facebook post and asked my friends this question: “Do you prefer one of these acronym configurations over the other: S&M or S/M or SM?” The replies stimulated a very long thread of discussion at the time.

The discussion ended up influencing my decision to replace S/M in the subtitle with BDSM to use more current terminology.

As background, most of my Facebook friends, especially back then, were at least somewhat kinky or kink friendly. So, this was an appropriate question for that forum. Here's a sampling of the responses I received with a few of them rephrased for clarity. There were a lot of them, but I think it's important to see the variety. (My thanks again to everyone who participated in that discussion. Your contributions were extremely helpful.)

• SM for sadomasochism.

• I prefer the & symbol, the / is so “modern.”

• SM please. I don't know why I don't like S/M. When I see S&M I think stand and model.

• I prefer S/M. I outright dislike S&M in that it implies that sadism and masochism are separate phenomena. SM just looks a little graceless to me, but I don't feel strongly about that.

• In my opinion, B&D (no question of the ampersand in that one) may be encompassed in SM (S/M), but SM is not necessarily encompassed in B&D. I've always made a distinction between the two. So, I don't like putting them all together.

• BDSM is what I use most of the time.

• Well, then you get into does it include the whole D/s thing and it all gets so confusing.

• I know several people who use the blanket term Kink because it covers a myriad of deviant behavior. Personally, when I am conversing, I use the term Leather amongst my friends.

• I like S/M with the /, but I've noticed the younger generation uses BDSM most often.

• I tend to say dom and kink, but I use the BDSM term most of the time.

• I like and use SM, B&D, and BDSM. Sadomasochism is one word which represents both Sadism and Masochism. Bondage and Discipline on the other hand are two distinctly different words. For me BDSM has Dom and Sub right in the middle as well.

• I typically don't use SM separately, preferring as often as possible to use BDSM as a reminder of the full scope of what we do.

• I'm not sure why I prefer SM over S/M, but I do. And S&M has become associated with “Stand and Model.”

• I dislike BDSM because I came from the era when S/M or SM was the umbrella term. I loathe balkanization of the kink communities, creating distinctions that factionalize and disempower us all. However, I have reluctantly succumbed to BDSM because it seems to be the most widely understood term.

• In my experience, BDSM is the only term widely understood in the heterosexual/pansexual communities, while SM is still the primary term in the LGBT communities.

• In written communication, I prefer to read “BDSM.” It parses well and avoids superfluous punctuation. In spoken communication, I prefer to enunciate the “and” and shorten the phrase to “S&M” or “B&D.”

• “Kinky” reminds me of words like “twink” and acronyms like “D.I.N.K.” It's way more than a little cute for my taste and for me it literally sucks the darkness and eroticism out of the discussion.

• For most folks coming in to the scene these days, BDSM is the term they're more likely to recognize as inclusive.

• BDSM seems to be correct to me. And SM isn't supposed to be “inclusive.” That's politically correct BS that has watered down S&M. Actually, just hearing “inclusive” is a turn off to me. I say “S&M” though I find myself slipping and saying SM because of how prevalent it is.

• I've always found that the various terms are used differently in the different communities.

• I tend to change what I use depending on who I am talking to. Since the majority of folks I talk to lately are gay men, I would say SM (saying S and M seems antiquated). When I'm talking to someone who may not be familiar with kink, I tend to use BDSM (but never say BD and S and M). Also, when speaking with someone I also know to be kinky I often say Kink or Perv or Pervy.

• I use BDSM and kink in the same way others use LGBT and queer.

• I emphasize the importance of not assuming what someone might mean when they use any particular term. Definitions of particular words vary historically and by community. I encourage people to go ahead and ask “What do you mean when you say ____,” or even “This is the way I use ____,” to get the dialogue going.

That’s a lot of feedback, huh? It’s important to remember that those responses were given in 2010. It’s 14 years later and times have changed, language has changed, communities have changed.

One person at the time wrote “I am thankful that I don't have to write about it and can just do it. Phew!” I can understand their thankfulness for not having to navigate what can sometimes be tricky nomenclature us kinksters use.

So, here's my point. Please let's not get too caught up in the language we use because language, by its very nature, is inexact. What is “top” or “kink” or “sub” or whatever descriptor we use might mean to us is quite likely not going to mean exactly the same thing to someone else and might change considerably over time. Giving each other some latitude with our terminology can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. Language is inexact. It’s always an approximation of what it is it’s trying to describe. Let's cut each other some slack and spend some time getting to know what each other really means when we use such terms.

Getting into the habit of asking someone else “What does that term mean to you?” during social discussions and pre-play negotiations can elicit such wonderful information about the other person and their mindset and interests.

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