Kink As Paradigm
Using what we learn and experience as kinksters as a lens through which we examine and improve other aspects of our lives can elevate kink beyond simply erotic activities we enjoy.
During some recent conversations with a few kinksters in my social circles, I realized something. That something seemed fairly obvious once I recognized it, but for some reason it struck me as a new insight even though once I thought about it I realized that for me it’s not an entirely new awareness.
The insight is that so many kinksters use their kink and erotic adventures not just as a way to enjoy and express their sexuality, but also as a lens through which they examine and navigate life outside of their sexualities.
So, what is a paradigm? It’s defined slightly differently depending on the dictionary, but I like how the Macmillan Dictionary defines it. This definition alludes to the sense of the word I’m referring to here.
1. One that serves as a pattern or model.
2. A set or list of all the inflectional forms of a word or of one of its grammatical categories: the paradigm of an irregular verb.
3. A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.
(Source)
It’s mostly definitions numbers 1 and 3 that pertain to what I’m discussing here.
I think consciously or unconsciously most of us figure out mental models that keep stuff sorted in our heads. Mental models are internal representations of external reality. It’s been hypothesized that mental models play a major role in cognition, reasoning, and decision-making. (Source) Mental models are akin to paradigms.
It’s through the lens of kink that many of us create a skeleton structure that holds together our thoughts, values, ethics, and passions that we express not just in our erotic lives but also in our lives generally. Whether it’s acceptance within a community, seeing life through more diverse eyes, or self-examining the ins and outs of our day-to-day existence, many people use kink as a paradigm lens that gives them a structure through which to self-examine and make their lives better.
In “The Structure of Kink Identity: Four Key Themes Within a World of Complexity,” a study paper by Jules Vivid, Eliot M. Lev, and Richard A. Sprott, Ph.D., the paradigmatic descriptor fits nicely into a queer-centric view.
In addition, our study aligns with Hammock et al.’s “queer paradigm of intimacy,” especially their axioms of desire, sexual identity, relationality, and consensual power exchange (Hammock et al., 2019, p. 559).
I contend the parallels between queerness and kink are similar enough that they align with each other in terms of how kinksters see themselves and the world through a kink lens much like queer people do through a queer lens.
In practical terms, what might this look like?
A kinkster learns the concept of negotiation and applies that practice to being better able to ask for what they want from others and express their needs and desires regardless of the social or professional situation.
Someone feels violated in some significant way and the consent models they learned as a kinkster help them stand up for themselves.
Through the transcendence someone occasionally achieves through intense BDSM experiences they open their mind to a more spiritual and loving view of the world.
The microcosm of someone’s kink social sphere informs them how to create better friendships, understand people’s individual differences, and treat others with respect throughout all their other social interactions.
The examples could be endless.
I don’t want to belabor the point here. I think you can sense where I’m going with this.
And the world of kink isn’t unique in this regard. When we experience a strong alignment with a community of people, we pick up that community’s values, processes, norms, and unique perspectives which can then be applied elsewhere in our lives.
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