Kink and Connection

There’s nothing wrong with purely physical sexual and erotic activities, but connection elevates it to something special

In 2014, I wrote a version of this post in the Bay Area Reporter for which I wrote a regular leather and kink column for more than seven years. Since this topic is near and dear to my heart, I thought I’d revisit it again in 2023.

I’ve always felt strongly about the importance of connection in kink. I feel it's something we don't talk nearly enough about in kink education. It should be front and center every single time we teach about kink because without some semblance of love present, the kink is just about going through the motions.

I say “love” because I contend that anytime two people connect deeply, it’s a type of love. For me, connection is love and love is connection. Words are always an imperfect representation of what they’re trying to describe, but for my purposes I equate the two.

Truthfully, this isn’t just about kink. It’s about erotic connection between people from all walks of life. So, for those reading this who might not see themselves as kinky, I think it still applies.

Years ago I was scanning the Leather Archives & Museum Tumblr account (which appears to no longer be active) and I stumbled on one of their posts that listed Joseph Bean's Rules of SM (meaning BDSM, to use a more common acronym). These rules were originally published many years ago. I’ve had a difficult time finding them online currently and determining where they were originally published, but luckily I made notes when I last read them. I’ll update this post with a link to all the Rules if I find them.

Joseph Bean is a writer, author, and past editor of the formerly defunct but recently revived iconic Drummer Magazine. Drummer is generally considered to have been one of the most influential publications in the entire history of gay men's leather and kink and its new current iteration is doing a great job of continuing that legacy. Joseph is also a friend who I have long admired.

So, as I was reading Bean's Rules of SM (there are 10 of them), each one a gem of wisdom, one stood out for me because it reflects what I have often said about what it takes for the best kink experiences, BDSM included. This is his Rule Number 5.

If you're not in love, don't do the scene.

For those unfamiliar with the specifics of BDSM, a scene is what BDSM practitioners call the actual session in which they engage in a BDSM erotic encounter. These days, as the range of activities and expressions in kink have broadened and grown well beyond being dominated by BDSM, a scene can be any type of kink scenario between two or more people.

Bean elaborated.

If desire and consent do not lead to a kind of love, the scene is probably not going to work. Love can take many forms, but the very ground from which it springs is the demand one places on oneself to please and do what is good for the other person.

For me, among all the advice that's doled out about how to do kink, this is by far the most important. Yet, in classes, articles, books, and presentations, it's the aspect of kink I’ve witnessed being discussed the least. Yes, kink can be done by the numbers. It can look good. It might even elicit some fun in the absence of love. But I contend it’s never as good as when some aspect of love is present.

As Bean mentioned, love can take many forms and be called different things. I've often said that the English language needs more words to describe the many variations and permutations of what we clumsily lump together under the single banner of love. We have the word like and we have the word love, but they’re not enough. Some kinksters use the word connection instead of love when describing the type of bond that's necessary for the best play. Whatever word one uses, I agree with Bean that it's a form of love that sparks our kind of sexuality into a higher realm of experience.

So, why do I mention this? Because for many people, especially for outsiders or newcomers to kink styles of erotic play, their first encounters with such play is often outside of a private and intimate context. They might watch some porn that while hot and awesome in its own way, may be a less loving portrayal. Often our most extreme mental fantasies go beyond what we might want to do in real time. They might see a public demonstration of bondage or some form of kink play that's meant to be more entertaining than instructive. They might see various representations of play that do not appear to the casual observer to be what’s actually happening between the people involved.

I recall one time when I was strolling down the street during Folsom Street Fair, a decades-long annual San Francisco outdoor fair that draws 10s of thousands of kinksters from around the world. I overheard a group of people as they watched a kink demonstration underway at one of the fair's booths. The scene that had gathered more than 100 people watching was flogging, the striking of someone with a many-tailed implement, typically made of leather. To the uninitiated, it can look violent and severe. One of the clueless onlookers said something like "I guess you just tie someone up and beat on them and that's S&M." (Years ago BDSM tended to referenced separately as BD and SM).

Once at a local San Francisco bar when they were hosting a leather night at which kink entertainment was part of the evening’s offerings, the one taking place being a spanking, a number of people in the crowd started screaming "hit him harder, harder!"

Sadly, I’ve seen similar occasions when onlookers hadn’t a clue what was actually going on between the players and they didn’t seem to really care to know beyond the titillation of the display. I’m always horrified by these misconceptions and bad impressions being left upon such clueless onlookers.

But think about it for a moment. Barring any additional information, why would these onlookers not think that? Often someone’s fantasy may appear as something quite different to an outsider.

What if you stumbled onto a movie set without noticing any of the lights, cameras, or crew? If you then saw two actors fighting angrily with fists flying, you would assume you had stumbled onto a real fight. You would have no way of knowing that the fight was not real and was carefully negotiated beforehand. That’s the reaction those who are misinformed about kink might have when they hear about or see an intense or unique kink situation. They immediately assume the supposed reality in front of them, not the actual fantasy and intimate connection it likely represents.

I believe it's important for kinksters to keep this in mind when they decide to display their kink publicly. Every effort should be made to mitigate these wrong impressions when possible. And if such mitigation isn't possible, then perhaps the kink should remain a private affair and not be offered up as entertainment at all.

I’m fully aware I’ve mostly lost the battle for trying to keep public displays of kink scenes, especially of the more intense variety, away from the eyes of random strangers. Such kink “demos” aren’t usually demonstrations at all. They’re entertainment. But the demo word seems to have survived anyway despite my wishes to the contrary.

I’m going to cop to the fact that many kinksters disagree with what I just wrote. Many in the leather, BDSM, and kink worlds see nothing whatsoever wrong with much of kink, even of the more intense kind, taking place in front of a non-kinky or misinformed audience. I don't get how they can think that, but many do and I'm sure even among my friends there are those who would argue I'm wrong about this. But I stand by my position.

If you're reading this and you're not currently part of the kink world, or you're a curious newcomer, please keep what I've written in mind. What you're seeing might not be a true representation of what you might end up doing in private.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said this.

There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

Go forth and love in a multitude of ways, including whatever kinky ways you decide to explore. I hope the connections you develop while doing so are strong and fulfilling.

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