Keeping Your Options Open

Sometimes including fewer specifics and more general requirements in our hookup profiles can lead to more frequent and perhaps better connections.

Yesterday I opened up one of the hookup apps I use and began to scroll through some of the men’s profiles. Within a few seconds I stumbled upon a guy I know casually from my extended social circles and who had in the past expressed interest in me sexually.

So, I began to read his profile and all of it was a green light. He likes older men and me being of gay culture older daddy age, that was a go. He likes kinky guys. Again, a go. He likes a bunch of the specific sex acts and positions I like. All of that was good.

Then, among the wording in his profile was that he liked “smooth” guys. Being hairy myself, I instantly discounted the profile and moved on.

Here’s the thing though. This same guy has had sex with me in the past. Admittedly, it was at a party and the sex was brief and furtive, but his interest in me was direct and undeniable. He even said he hoped we’d connect outside of that party and made sure I had his phone number before we parted.

I’m rather hairy. Clearly the guy was fine with me being hairy when we connected. Yet, him listing his distinct preference for smooth guys made me hesitate to ever contact him again.

As I was thinking about this post, I scanned a few more profiles. One listed their preference for guys 22-36. That seemed extremely specific to me. Why just those ages? Does that person never connect with anyone outside of that age range?

Another profile listed a height requirement of between 5’11” and 6’2”. That again seemed rather specific.

Suffice it to say as I scrolled through a bunch of other profiles, I saw an abundance of examples of extreme specificity regarding the type of person someone was seeking erotically.

Let me be clear that everyone has an absolute right to seek out only those people who synchronize with their erotic tastes. If they like them with certain physicalities, kinks, sexual proclivities, and so on, that’s entirely their right to do so.

Even I’m guilty of listing some unique specifics in some of my hookup profiles. One is that I “prefer guys who like both one-on-one and groups.” I ended up adding that to my profiles because I frequent so many group and play party situations that it seemed to make sense to fish in the pond stocked with men who appreciate the same.

I recall before adding the liking of groups parameter to my profiles having a discussion with a potential hookup on the phone. When I mentioned that I usually preferred play partners who like both one-on-one and group situations, he flew into a rage, called me names, and hung up the phone. That was the event that spawned me adding that verbiage to my profiles.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that there is always a cost as one gets more specific with one’s stated erotic preferences or requirements. The person who only likes guys 22-36 might be missing out on that amazing 37-year-old guy who’s otherwise an ideal match. The person who only likes guys between 5’11” and 6’2” could end up never connecting with an ideal match who happens to measure 6’3”.

Of course, there’s always the risk when not tossing any specifics into one’s profiles, thereby not giving the reader any sense of one’s sexuality at all. Many of us don’t want to venture into the pond unless we know it’s already stocked with at least some fish we want to catch.

This post isn’t meant to dissuade anyone from being as vague or specific as they want to be in their hookup profiles. If someone truly can’t get off unless someone fits a very narrow set of parameters, then so be it. That’s life. But the pond in which that person can fish is an extremely small one and that’s a cost some don’t realize they have to pay to satisfy the specificity of their desires.

So, what do we do with this conundrum? Do we add in lots of specific requirements? Or do we leave a profile more open-ended and potentially end up having to filter through more people.

I don’t know the answer to this question. I’m still trying to figure it out for myself. But what I do know based on my own reactions to highly specific profiles is that they can turn me away from pursuing them. Perhaps this means I also need to be less specific if I’m to connect with those rare gems of people who fall outside of my demarcated lines.

Let me finish by adding that I can already hear in my head likely counters to this post. Some will argue they list “preferences” and that they should not be interpreted as “must haves.” That’s nice, but is that really how most of us think when we read of someone’s preferences? I don’t think so. Most of us will assume a preference is akin to a requirement and treat it as such.

After I finish writing this, I’m going to review my profiles on the few hookups apps and sites I use. I might be thwarting my own connection efforts. Or maybe I’ll like my profiles just as they are now. But I think it’s worth considering the pros and cons of listing lots of specifics in our profiles and coming to peace with the potential ramifications.

You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work.