Keeping Erotic Curiosity Alive
By remaining curious about our sexualities, we can continue to explore that which brings us the most erotic joy.
I was reading an article the other day, “Why Curious People Have Better Relationships” by Jill Suttie, about how curiosity strengthens and improves relationships. It got me thinking about how curiosity improves our sexualities too.
The article points out that curiosity helps people connect better, helps people cope with rejection better, reduces aggressiveness, and improves people’s experience when socializing. All great benefits of fostering curiosity in our lives when it comes to relationships.
But think for a moment about how curiosity also plays an important role in our erotic explorations. Without curiosity, many of us who don the identity of kinkster or sexual adventurer would likely not have discovered the joys of the various styles of sexuality we enjoy had we not had a heightened sense of curiosity.
Perhaps one of the markers for who thrives as a kinkster is a deep sense of curiosity. I’m not sure if there is existing research about that, but my instincts and experience within kink communities tell me that we’re generally a more curious bunch than many other people.
Often the path for exploring our sexual needs and desires is awash in roadblocks. Our cultural programming doesn’t always grant us permission to freely explore who we are erotically. Society, our family, and our social circles often present a predetermined approved way we can and should be sexual. Kinksters defy those norms. In fact, I believe part of the appeal of kink is its subversive nature.
But who among us kinksters would be who we are if we had not allowed our curiosity to guide us in unforeseen directions? Had we not walked into that scary leather bar, or not attended our first munch, or not asked that hot kinky person to tell us more about who they are and what they do, we wouldn’t have found the joys of kink we revel in today.
Our levels of curiosity aren’t static either. I contend that when we’re younger or new to the kink scene, our levels of curiosity spike high. We approach each new source of information, event, or mentor relationship with wide eyes and enthusiasm.
But then, once we’re firmly planted within the kink scene, wherever that’s landed us, we can find our curiosity ossifying. Once we establish an erotic identity or community social circle, we can suppress our curiosity instincts because we want to continue to belong. We’re afraid to color outside the lines for fear of stepping afoul of the norms of whatever group or community we now consider home.
Albert Einstein once said “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” I witness many kinksters resisting such questioning when instead they should continue on the path of self-exploration indefinitely.
If someone has found an erotic identity or expression that works for them and they want to remain right where they are, great. If that works for them, it’s their life and their sexuality. But I don’t think that’s where most people want to remain. I think most of us would prefer to continually question, to constantly explore, to discover new ways of being, playing, and communing with others.
For many years I remained essentially the same kinkster, or to use the vernacular of my era, the same leatherman, during my early explorations in the 70s and 80s. I enjoyed my time suspended in that specific version of my kinky self, but eventually I realized I needed to explore more to remain satisfied and fulfilled.
Slowly I began to try out new styles of sexualities, new erotic roles and personas, new kinks, and new subsets of people within the larger world of kink. It broadened my horizons. It sparked new enthusiasm as I learned new things. It introduced me to entirely new types of people who showed me by their example different ways of being an erotic maverick.
It's so easy to get stuck. Once we discover an identity and community in which we feel comfortable, we’re wary of rocking that boat. We want to continue to belong. That’s an entirely natural human reaction once we’re accepted. But over time, sometimes it’s also a prison. Sometimes we need to fire up the curiosity within us that’s been repressed to find new and maybe better ways of being.
Also, every single one of us is a different person today than we were yesterday. We’re certainly different people than we were five or 10 years ago. So, it makes sense that when we’re new versions of ourselves that we’d want to investigate new ways of honoring that new version erotically too.
One of my favorite quotes by English philosopher Thomas Hobbes is “Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” Perhaps curiosity is also the fuel the leads us to more satisfying ways to indulge our lust.
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