If you're reading this, you might be queer

I believe kinky, non-monogamous, and polyamorous people belong under the queer identity umbrella.

I was reading an article by Anna Iovine, a sex and relationships reporter for Mashable, titled “What does the word 'queer' even mean?”. The article happens to delve into a question that’s been banging around in my head for a while.

What exactly does being queer mean? Are the sexual (kinkster) and relationship (non-monogamous/polyamorous) adventurers that comprise much of my readership inherently queer even if they are not otherwise part of the LGBT communities? It’s an interesting question. This is my attempt at an answer.

I’ve been part of what’s now called the LGBTQ rights movement for decades. From marching in protest against Anita Bryant in the 1970s to lobbying Senators in Washington DC in the 1990s to marching in celebration each year with the Leather Contingent in San Francisco’s Pride Parade, I have moved in and out of various community and civil rights movement efforts for a long time.

At the start of all that, I was resolutely gay and proudly aligned myself with the values of the Gay Liberation Front, an early iteration of queer activism. That movement embraced gay men and lesbians. Bisexuals were relegated to a back seat, but eventually became an integral part of the movement. I recall giving lip service to trans rights back then, but I’d be dishonest if I said that the LGB factions within the movement always readily embraced them. Thankfully, that’s changed, and right now it’s sadly the trans community that’s suffering the brunt of horrific violence, legislation, and bigotry right now. So that’s where much of our political capital must be used.

LGB people are also dealing with some significant setbacks. The LGBT movement appears to be solidly united, and the Q for Queer has taken its firm place in the commonly used LGBTQ acronym. Nowadays, the acronym has expanded to LGBTQIA+ and I’ll leave it to that link to explain that evolutionary trajectory.

But the huge umbrella word that’s bandied about a lot to describe the entirety of that set of intersecting communities is queer. Most of my younger friends self-identify as queer. Some of the older friends do too. Even some of my seemingly heterosexual and sexually non-adventurous friends have described themselves as queer and it’s caused more than one questioning head tilt from me in their direction.

Recently, an older gay man vehemently told me how much he hates the word queer. It was a slur when he and I were embarking on our early newly out gay lives. If you were called queer, it wasn’t a good thing. It might have been accompanied by a thrown rock or fist heading toward your head. Sadly, I fear that sort of thing is happening more again in certain parts of the country. Outside of the United States we know of many parts of the world where being queer will get you killed or imprisoned.

Anyway, exactly what queer means has been something with which I’ve struggled until I read the aforementioned article. When I read this passage I had a bit of an epiphany.

As a counter or backlash to that thinking, queerness emerged as a radical branch of that movement, Cheng continued. There were queer people saying that not only do they differ in their sexuality and gender, but they don't want to aim for heteronormativity — or homonormativity, which upholds straight norms in the LGBTQ community.

In that way, "queerness is a rejection of everything that's associated with heterosexuality," Cheng said. "Even beyond the sexuality."

Reading that was an aha moment for me. Describing queerness as a rejection of everything “associated” with heterosexuality made sense. The trick is to identify those things typically associated with heterosexuality. Here’s what I think, and I mean no disrespect to the heterosexuals reading this because if you give me a moment you might end up considering yourself queer too.

The two main defining parameters that define traditional heterosexual culture are:

1. Missionary position, vanilla sex for the purpose of procreation.

2. Life-bonded, monogamous relationships.

I know. Lots of heterosexuals don’t fit those two parameters, and that’s my point here.

If we agree, and I know some will not, that being queer is an attempt by the self to disassociate from those things traditionally associated with heterosexuality, then perhaps the queer realm is much bigger than even the LGBTQ and extended acronyms can easily encompass.

Some people among my politically inclined friends will argue that the more we embrace a wider array of people under the queer tent, the weaker our position will be to claim our rights. I entirely disagree.

There are members of the LGB factions that believe the T faction is a negative weight on our movement. But you know what? Fuck that! I could not disagree more. The rightful inclusion of the trans community in the larger queer umbrella serves not only that specific community but the larger overall queer community as well. The more of us, the more power. The more of us, the greater our political strength. The more of us, the louder our voices will be. The more diversity, the more we can weather social, cultural, and political storms together.

Same goes for the IA+ factions too. We need them. We want them. They belong in our loving camp.

Now, I’m going to suggest something likely to be controversial in some circles, but I stand by it, at least in this moment. In alignment with queerness being a rejection of traditional heterosexual norms, I believe non-monogamous, polyamorous, and kinky people are part of the queer communities too.

Trust me, I did not come to this easily. I’m one of the guys who bristled when the gay and lesbian movement tussled among themselves to eventually place lesbian in front of gay when the movement was described. We grow. We change. We hopefully mature. I think I have. Now I see the reasoning behind that change as much as I see the reason bisexuals and trans people belonged in our movement.

So, what do we do with this? I know some reading this might not agree with my contentions. But assuming you do, or are at least willing to entertain the possibility, how do we leverage those alliances for the betterment of everyone.

A famous LGBTQ civil rights and labor activist friend of mine has given rallying speeches to large crowds more than once in which he describes the power in alliances. When marginalized people of any kind band together, they generate power. They comprise a block of the population that can advocate for each other. They can talk to those within their own social spheres to move ahead common causes. It’s math. More numbers equal more voices equal more votes equal more power. We are truly stronger together.

Now, a caveat. I do not believe this means that everyone under the queer umbrella must always be blended together in every situation. Sometimes gay men want to be with gay men. Sometimes lesbians want to be with lesbians. Sometimes kinksters want to be with kinksters. Sometimes poly people want to be with poly people. Sometimes lesbian polyamorous kinksters want to be with each other. And so on in many permutations.

There’s a time and a place for full inclusion and there’s a time and a place for affinity groups and spaces. But when it comes time to share resources and people power, cooperation between all of the factions within the queer communities can create a powerful block of people who can make each aspect of queerdom better and advocate for each other to make life better for all of us.

So, that’s it. I think queer does indeed mean the rejection of those things typically associated with heterosexuality, even though I know heterosexuals comes in all flavors and many of them are indeed queer.

If you agree with me, I’d love you to discuss it among your friends. If you disagree with me, I’d love you to discuss it among your friends. This is how I feel. Others might feel differently, But by having this social discussion perhaps we’ll all learn more about all of the factions, judge each other less, and support each other more.

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