I Want To and They Don't
When two (or more) people in an ongoing relationship experience a sexual desire disconnect, there are strategies and mindsets that can help.
It is usually inevitable that couples, or polyamorous configurations, will experience a mismatch in sexual desire. One of the downsides of overly romanticized, Hollywood-style notions about such partnerships is that we’re acculturated to believe once a partnering is an ongoing relationship we must remain consistently attracted to each other and stay in the same lane of erotic interests and levels of desire. That’s just not reality.
My own perspective that each human being walking the planet is an entirely unique creature with commensurate unique needs and desires colors how I see sexuality and relationships. When people who are distinctly different from each other in so many ways feel like they’re failing if their sexual desires and frequency of intimate contact don’t remain the same throughout a relationship, that’s not a healthy or realistic situation.
Since I navigate within a social world that’s predominantly non-monogamous or polyamorous, or at a minimum extremely accepting of those choices, I see lots of adaptations and pivots sexually that allow for a better set of circumstances and attitudes to get different erotic needs met. For those who choose monogamy, the challenges are greater but not insurmountable.
In “How to handle a mismatch in sexual desire,” therapist Ann O’ Brien addresses some of the challenges couples might have in this realm, but I contend much of her advice can also be easily applied to those of us who embrace non-monogamy and polyamory.
Specifically, O’Brien mentions the state of “desire discrepancy,” when one partner wants more sexual connection than the other. Rightly so, O’Brien states that desire discrepancy is likely to be experienced by most long-term relationships. She references her work as a couples therapist, but I’d like to extend this line of thought to also include people with whom we might have sex on an ongoing basis whether it’s codified in a declared relationship or not. I have close friends with whom I’ve had periodic sexual experiences for 20 years or more. Even within such friendship sexual encounters, over time a mismatch in needs and desire can emerge. One must go with the flow.
O’Brien offers lots of good advice but most of it boils down to the time-tested relationship advice – communicate. Often, people don’t want to discuss such things and that’s the kiss of death for any relationship snag. In politics, you’ll often hear the metaphorical phrase “sunshine is the best disinfectant” referencing that truth laid bare and open for all to see tends to avoid the nasty infections of political malpractice. The same is true of sexual relationships be they long-term, one-on-one partnerships, polyamorous situations, or of the regular but less frequent variety.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Apart from the suggestion to talk about it, the other truth O’Brien lays out is the fact that sexual desire is not a static, unchanging force. Life happens, and we change, and as those two realities converge, we sometimes also experience a change in our sexual desires.
A quantum shift change that I can reference in my own life was when I came out as gay. After 17 years of hiding the truth of who I am, suddenly I had permission to be my authentic self, including my sexual self. That catapulted my level of desire through the roof as I felt that I was essentially making up for lost time after 17 years of suppressing who I truly am.
Yet another example from my own life is when I’ve been physically challenged or have gone through a rough patch mentally. During those phases my level of sexual desire usually plummeted.
If we get comfortable with the natural waxing and waning of life, in every aspect of life, we also come to peace much more quickly regarding a mismatch of sexual desire.
O’Brien offers some specific advice to address sexual desire mismatch. Again, I contend these also apply to every type of ongoing sexual relationship of any kind. The key points O’Brien articulates are:
It’s quite common for one partner to want or seek sex more than the other.
Reflecting on our feelings and beliefs about sex is helpful.
After reflecting on our feelings and beliefs, explore your partner’s feelings and beliefs.
You can map out negative sexual patterns to assist in correcting them.
For those among us who have a lower level of sexual desire, we can sometimes alter the situation by taking care of our stress levels, physical health, or mental health, along with engaging our erotic curiosity. Don’t be overly self-judgmental about your level of sexual desire.
For those among us who have a higher level of sexual desire, that’s just fine too. Your higher level of desire and someone else’s lower level of desire are both equally acceptable states and should not be judged.
For those with higher sexual desires, reflect on your response to unmet needs. Frustration can breed emotional intimacy disconnects.
Check out O’Brien’s article, I think you will find something useful in it no matter whether you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, robust and active polyamorous set of relationships, an open relationship, or are single-functioning and prefer friends with benefits connections.
Let me also state that I consider someone deciding they don’t have much interest in sex at all to be an acceptable things too as long as it’s done consciously and not as an adverse reaction to other factors in one’s life. Different strokes, different folks, even if some choose not to “stroke” much at all.
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