"I" versus "We"

Why confusing “I” with “we” is one of the most corrosive habits in community spaces.

I just returned from a wonderful International Mr. Leather (IML/IMBB) (IMBB means International Mr. Bootblack) weekend in Chicago. I had a great time.

For those unfamiliar with the event, it’s the world’s largest (I believe) leather and kink gathering of its kind for a predominantly gay demographic. It’s the leather event I have attended more often than any other and it’s always like coming home.

There is so much to the weekend. Social parties. Classes. Play parties. Art show. Huge vendor market. And the centerpiece of the contest.

Every so often a contest winner is the topic of controversy for various reasons. I’ve never understood the drama that motivates some people who feel it’s their duty to be the often-misguided voice of correctness, tradition, and gay leather and kink culture generally. It gets old.

What typically gets mixed up in such posts, comments, and bluster is that the person is speaking for themselves (I) but is mistakenly under the assumption they’re speaking for the collective (we).

This happens a lot, not just in the leather and kink worlds but in life overall. Someone exclaims a “truth” or “rule” and positions it as if the larger body of people by default agrees with them. Often they don’t agree. In fact, my experience is that most don’t agree with the loudest complaining voices in the literal or virtual room.

It’s important to parse more thoughtfully “I” versus “we” statements. One can say something isn’t for them while not feeling obligated to trash an outcome or experience for others.

“I don’t like _____.” Fine. Don’t like that or them. Don’t assume you speak for me and others. If you don’t agree with or like something, that’s your belief or personal experience.

“We should be upset by or only like _____.” Nope. You don’t get to say that unless you’re pointing to a universal moral flaw like misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, or any of the social ills good people have decided is abhorrent and not to be tolerated.

Along with my 72-hour rule for commenting about something seen online or elsewhere, I also take a beat to ask myself if I’m speaking for myself or claiming to speak for an entire group. If I catch myself speaking for everyone about something that’s simply my own perspective, I try to reword it into an I statement or, often even more appropriately, just STFU.

Am I under the impression everyone will adopt my approach? No. There are and always will be loud ever-present voices that seek to complain more than contribute to solutions, or bash and trash rather than lift up. But perhaps if a few more of us try to be more thoughtful, the leather and kink realms, along with the rest of the world, might be a tiny bit better for everyone.

Let me end with my favorite line from one of the contestant speeches during the final night of the IMLBB competition.

I want you to stop being keyboard warriors and start being kindness warriors.

I try to live by that and hope you will too.

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