Heeding Warning Signs (aka Red Flags)

Avoiding potentially problematic sexual connections or relationships with people who demonstrate red flag behavior should be part of everyone’s skill set.

A while back I read “The Tells of the Fake Dominant” and it brought up the reality of red flags that should warn us to avoid certain people and situations, in this case so-called dominants who should likely be avoided.

While the article references avoiding “fake” dominants specifically, heeding red flags is important to all of sexuality and relationships.

The Please Kink Responsibly article by Mercy alludes to the challenges of clearly seeing and responding to red flags when an emotional or erotic attachment may cloud our judgment.

The big red flags are sometimes more like walking red billboards, but for the most part, we can navigate through those with a little more clarity. However, what about when those red flags are much more covert and incremental, yet covered in affection and red hot burning desire? In the whirlwind of adventure, excitement and eagerness, we may miss the smaller red flags that are subtly sprinkled along the path.

I’ve seen this so many times. Someone throws up a clear red flag that should caution anyone from proceeding to engage in sexual or relationship dynamics with that person, but the highly charged erotic or emotional state of the person being drawn into the questionable relationship short circuits their critical thinking.

Again, while many of this newsletter’s audience fall into the kinky, polyamorous, queer, or otherwise sexually and relationship adventurous crowd, paying attention to red flags is something everyone should be doing even if they’re of the most vanilla and traditional variety.

In “Follow the ‘3 Red Flag Rule’ When Dating Someone New,” psychotherapist Erin Leonard Ph.D. articulates that it’s common to become aware of red flags when dating but minimize or excuse them. She also suggests it’s wise to track those red flags and to ask for space when there are too many. But how someone reacts to such a request for space can be especially informative and we resist heeding that reaction at our own peril.

Over the decades I’ve been writing about sexuality and relationships, I have always taken the stance that slower is better. I’ve witnessed far too many people charging ahead into possibly treacherous territory because love or lust hobbled their judgment.

Leonard suggests that perhaps the magic number of red flags is three.

One rule of thumb to help keep your empathic and forgiving nature in check is the “red flag count.” In place of justifying and forgetting a new partner’s insensitivities, simply make a mental note of it. Keep the first incident in mind, and label it #1. Then, promise yourself that when you get to #3, you will take some time to reflect on the health of the relationship.

After the third red flag, take a step back and reevaluate. Let your new partner know that you need a little time to think about things.

Yes. Maybe. But sometimes a red flag is so egregious and stark that it’s best to heed that red flag immediately. Your personal emotional or physical safety might be at risk if you don’t.

I’m not going to list a bunch of red flags here. If we get honest with ourselves, we all know them. So, I’m only going to put forth a single ask here.

When you notice a red flag, be it a small thing or something that’s flashing alarm big, make a pact with yourself that you’ll make a note of it and seriously reflect on whether you should proceed with that person.

Maybe the red flag was a blip and it’s not a big thing. Maybe the red flag demonstrates such lack of character in a person that you should walk away immediately. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can implore you to not ignore those red flags.

Here’s a hint from my own life. If people around you notice a red flag, then it’s probably something you should be noticing too. Your friends and social sphere aren’t burdened with an erotic or emotional attachment to the person. Their judgment might be better than yours. It’s certainly worth considering that before you charge ahead into a situation that you’ll be desperate to extract yourself from six months or a year from now.

You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work. My content is usually open and free to view, but for those who are able your paid subscription (click the Subscribe button) or patron support are always appreciated.