Flirting

Signaling sexual interest to someone by flirting is a skill that can be improved.

I’m currently in Scotland. While in Glasgow and Edinburgh I’ve been staying in neighborhoods with lots of queer bars, businesses, and residents. These are dense LGBTQ pockets within the larger urban areas.

One of the reasons I like to stay in such queer neighborhoods is that I like to flirt. Flirting is a natural inclination for me when in environments populated with an abundance of gay men. Gay men of my era (I’m 70) came out and socialized in a stigma-laden culture in which your ability to subtly yet effectively flirt often determined if you were going to get a date or have sex.

While in Scotland my traveling partner and I would be walking down the street or in a bar or business and we’d mention that we got “the look” from a man passing by. What’s the look? It’s that impossible to explain but quite real ability of gay men to signal sexual interest to another gay man in public venues with perhaps nothing more than a look of the eyes, tilt of the head, or some other subtle signal. In other words, flirt.

How do we gay men learn how to do the look? I have no idea. We just do. We’ve had to do it our entire lives to survive in a world that caters entirely to heterosexual dynamics. Gay men, and queer people generally, still must be careful except in the queerest of spaces.

At its core, flirting is an instinctual thing. Most of us have no idea how we flirt the way we do. We just do it because the sexual drive is at the heart of what it means to be human. After all, in a heterosexual context, humanity would cease to exist without the sex act that’s inevitably preceded by some sort of flirting whether a brief glance or flirtatiousness over time.

Flirting certainly serves mating, but it’s far more than that, at least for me. Flirting is an inherent part of aliveness. Rune Moelbak, Ph.D., who wrote their doctoral dissertation on flirting, puts it this way in “The Art of Flirting: Key Lessons from My Dissertation on Flirting.”

We humans flirt not just to find a mate, but to feel alive. In fact many times flirting is not about courtship at all. We can flirt with the clerk at the grocery store when we are checking out our groceries, or at a business meeting to break down barriers of formality and appear more human. In these kinds of flirtations, we are not trying to go on a date, but simply generate play, smiles, and affirmations that we like each other.

Moelbak distills much of flirting’s essence to five characteristics and these also sync with my own experience. I’ll let you read the article to learn further about those characteristics, but they all resonate strongly with me and align with the discussions I’ve had with others about their own flirting experiences.

The topic of flirting has led to many conversations alluding to a change in flirting habits because of the digital connectivity time we all now live in. My guess is that we have indeed changed how we flirt since now we can demonstrate interest with the click of a button versus having to necessarily engage with another person eye-to-eye.

Is this a good thing? Yes and no. Like much of life, it’s a double-edged sword. Ease of showing interest is great, but such ease can also not provide people with the necessary time to develop in-person flirting skills that are sometimes needed in the offline world.

I asked my social media followers this question.

Flirting seems like a lost or dormant art. My perspective is mostly as a gay man but I wonder if in-person flirting is less prevalent across the orientations these days. Thoughts? Any good flirting tips?

In the interest of fostering more flirting and prompting my readership to think more about how they might flirt better, here’s a summary of some of the responses to my post and my take on them.

• Some responded that the current more robust focus on consent has ruined flirting. I disagree. Rarely does flirting need to involve physical touch. There are respectful ways to flirt and quickly pull back should the flirtation not be returned.

• Multiple people mentioned how important a smile is to flirting. I agree. Nothing is more endearing than a warm smile from another person. Smiles don’t necessarily indicate flirting, but flirting accompanied by a smile is generally always more effective and well received.

• Maintaining just the right amount of eye contact was mentioned multiple times. Agree. I also think that’s one of the essential components of “the look” between gay men I mentioned earlier, a stare lingering just long enough to signal interest.

• These days we’ll often flirt online first, but that doesn’t replace the necessity for continuing the flirting when meeting in person. Such follow-up flirting continues the discovery about each other.

• Leading with a compliment can be a great flirting technique. “You have a nice smile.” “I love what you’re wearing. It looks great on you.” “Damn, you have beautiful eyes.” The vast majority of people love being complimented, and it can be a great flirting opener.

• Start slow. Don’t go deep into flirting immediately. Yes to a smiling quick stare. No to reaching out and tweaking their nipple. This is where consent also comes directly into play. Approach gently and only continue if interest is returned.

• Friendliness shouldn’t be misinterpreted as flirting. Sometimes people are just being friendly and social with no underlying sexual interest. Learn to discern the difference between the two.

• Exercise caution with online flirting. Try to role reverse with the person receiving whatever message you’re sending. How might you honestly react? Consider short but full sentences. Sending “Sup?” might not garner much of a response but sending “You’re very sexy.” might.

• Practice. Make note of reactions and learn from them. Flirting is not something even the most experienced does perfectly all the time. Accept both successful and unsuccessful flirting as feedback for improved flirting in the future. Don’t just rely on what you’ve always done. Ask yourself what might garner better results.

Singer and songwriter Niall Noran once said, “I’m not really a flirt, I just try to be myself.” Ultimately, that’s probably the best advice about flirting. Be yourself. Sure, hone your flirting technique as best you can, but never do so in a way that’s not genuine to who you are. Authenticity is sexy.

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