Everything Old Is New Again
Yes, the leather and kink communities have changed over the past few decades, but guidance for how to be optimally and safely kinky has not.
Someone recently sent me this short video clip from the Leather Archives & Museum that’s an extract from a longer documentary I was honored to be interviewed in many years ago.
Out of the Darkness: The Reality of SM, produced by Mark Frazier and associate produced by Lynda Blakeselee, and directed and edited by Hardy Haberman, is a 2001 documentary that sought to intelligently dispel the myths and misconceptions about SM (now commonly referred to as part of the BDSM acronym).
Out of respect for the others who were also in the documentary, they are: Jill Carter; Viola Johnson; Tony DeBlase; Joseph Bean; Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D.; Michael Bernet, Ph.D.; Jane Oxenbury, M.Ed.; and Dorothy Hayden, CSW.
(Note: I’m still trying to find a digital version of the entire 48-minute documentary and will link to it here should I ever find it.)
What struck me after watching the clip having not seen the content for years was how much of what we said in 2001 still applies today 23 years later.
When I said in the film “the myths and misconceptions around this community are abundant” that was certainly true, and perhaps it’s much better today considering the improved media portrayal of kink generally, but I still contend misunderstandings about the leather and kink communities run rampant. You simply have to witness the “no kink at Pride” nonsense that rears its head every few years to realize that we’re still a misunderstood people.
Consent is nothing new. The leather and kink communities have always operated from a standpoint that everything we engage in must be consensual between all parties. Maybe the way we discuss or signal about consent has changed somewhat, and it can be slightly different depending on the subset of overall kink communities you’re referencing, but the concept of agreed upon and ongoing consent is nothing new.
In my book, Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to BDSM Lovemaking (Version 2.0) (paid link), I explained why I think so many misconceptions about BDSM persist.
BDSM play is fueled by fantasies. The goal of BDSM is to turn those fantasies into a risk-aware, consensual and fun reality. Often someone’s fantasy may appear as something quite different to an outsider. For example, what if you stumbled onto a movie set without noticing any of the lights, cameras or crew? If you then saw two actors fighting angrily with fists flying, you would assume you had stumbled onto a real fight. You would have no way of knowing that the fight was not real. That’s the reaction those who are misinformed about BDSM might have when they hear about or see a BDSM situation. They immediately assume the reality in front of them, not the fantasy it represents.
Despite lots of education during the subsequent years about BDSM and kink generally, the external appearance of it still likely conjures the same impressions as someone stumbling onto a movie set without knowing that’s where they are. We’ll probably be explaining to outsiders the concept of consent within BDSM and kink forever.
I also talk about scene negotiations and robust communication. Again, nothing new. We preach that to newcomers to BDSM and kink to this day.
Dr. Charles Moser mentions that there are misconceptions that SM is inherently abusive, the result of childhood trauma, or caused by blocked personality disorder, and that successful psychotherapy could rid people of these urges. Of course, we know today that is not typically true, but we’ll also probably be explaining this to people for a very long time.
Dorothy Hayden explains that many assume people in BDSM relationships are in abusive relationships. They equate the two. Again, Hayden brings up the reality of negotiated consent between partners and explains how accurately seeing BDSM from the outside is difficult because the stark power imbalances that make BDSM hot for many of us seem problematic and indeed are in non-consensual relationship dynamics.
Lynda Blakeslee gets real when she says, “In terms of human sexuality, there’s always been a difference between what we’re capable of fantasizing about and what we’re capable of actually doing. And sometimes that difference may seem more exaggerated or more pronounced or perhaps even more risky in the SM culture than it does in say other aspects of sexual interaction.”
Joseph Bean mentions the acronym shift to BDSM from SM or S&M. The more descriptive and encompassing BSDM acronym has stuck around during the intervening 23 years since the documentary was recorded. No other acronym has taken its place and using “kink” as a large umbrella term, much like leather has been used, that includes BDSM, has become commonplace.
Joseph continues to explain that SM isn’t always necessarily about any intense stimulation (pain) and that mindset of embracing a wider range of erotic experiences and sensations continues to expand today.
Tony DeBlase refers to the spectrum of what constitutes SM (BDSM). “It’s all a gradient. You like to get bitten while you’re having sex or having your partners claw at your back. Is that S&M? Are you suffering pain then? Where do you start drawing the line?
Jane Oxenbury brings up the myth that people who enjoy being submissive in erotic play must not have good self-esteem. Nothing could be further from the truth. Referring to a psychotherapist’s task when encountering someone who enjoys submission, “I think a clinician has to be very clear about what’s going on in that person’s life and has to use other kinds of methods to determine the self-esteem of the client before they make that assumption.” Erotic submission can most certainly add to one’s self-esteem if done properly. That was true in 2001, and it’s true today.
I could go on pointing out similarities between what was said in 2001 and what would be said today, but I’ll let readers watch the entire clip of the longer documentary to hear it for themselves.
What I really want to get at is that the core foundation principles and guidelines for BDSM and kink haven’t changed much over time. Ultimately, it’s still about embracing our fantasies, having fun, being a decent human being, and caring for the other person with whom you’re interacting erotically.
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