Everything I Need to Know I Learned in the Playroom

How erotic exploration and experiences can inform the rest of our lives

Sometimes I reflect on past things I’ve written or speeches I’ve delivered and try to determine if they’re still relevant, This is a speech I delivered as the opening address for an event called Sacramento Valley Heat, a social and education event for the mostly local kink and leather community member attendees, that took place on August 28, 2009, in Sacramento, California. I think its message still holds up. Apologies in advance for its length which is longer than most of my posts.

Here is the speech as I delivered it. I hope you’ll find it still relevant today.

Good evening.

I’m honored to have been asked to deliver this opening speech for this milestone event for Sacramento. I’d like to give a personal thanks to the folks of Sacramento Valley LeatherCorps, Pleasure Bound, The Triskelion Society, MAsT Sacramento, Youphoria, and Journey Again, with a special shout out to Sage and David. To all of the organizers and volunteers, thank you in advance for your efforts. You’ve given the Sacramento scene a great gift. To everyone here who’ll be participating in this event, have fun. A wonderful weekend has been planned for you and I hope you are able to love, learn, play and celebrate together in the ways the founders of this event envisioned. Unfortunately, due to some scheduling conflicts I may not be able to be here for the entire event, but I’ll most certainly be here in spirit.

In keeping with the wishes of the organizers of this event, and because it’s my natural tendency anyway, I will keep this speech short so you can get on with your evening.

As part of this weekend’s activities a number of educational offerings are available to you. This continues the now prevalent tradition of our community educating itself in ways meant to improve our play. I encourage you to take advantage of these educational opportunities. One of the wonderful things about our scene is there’s a never-ending wealth of information to share with each other. That’s one of the things that keeps our scene so alive.

Although there’s a nice variety of educational workshops here this weekend, so much of the available information and educational efforts about kink focus on teaching specific physical or mental sexual techniques. And that’s good. We need to know such things. But a vibrant subculture typically looks beyond the nuts-and-bolts issues of their common pursuits. A robust community also looks to how their shared and individual experiences within that community inform their daily existence, their values, their ethical compass, and their world view.

What I’m talking about is looking at our individual life experiences, in this case the kinky aspects of our lives, and using them as a metaphor, teaching moments, for informing the rest of our lives. There are life truths residing in both the most exciting and the most mundane of experiences.

Every conscious person looks to different avenues to help them inform their daily lives. Some look to particular spiritual practices. Some look to philosophy. Some look to personal development and self-improvement literature. Some find an atmosphere of introspection in yoga. The avenue one chooses is more or less irrelevant. What’s important is that a conscious effort is made to grow as human beings, to learn. It’s what life is all about. It’s ultimately why we’re on this planet.

One of the primary avenues that I leverage to inform my life and to grow is my sexuality, my play, my kinky endeavors. And that is why the title of this speech is Everything I Need to Know I Learned in the Playroom because that statement is actually true. Everything I need to know, at least everything of importance, has been somehow brought to light, illustrated, elaborated upon, or otherwise made evident to me by my sexual and kinky play. I’d like to share some of those insights with you tonight.

Everyone wants to improve their lives. I sure do. I’m sure you do as well. That’s probably at least in part why you’re here tonight and why you’re attending this weekend event. The pursuit of a better life can be accomplished in many ways and this event is one such way.

In the pursuit of a better life, I have been a lifelong consumer of self-improvement information and advice. I have read books, watched instructional films and shows, participated in discussion groups, attended seminars, taken classes, listened to an array of speakers, reflected on various spiritual and philosophical teachings, attempted to practice what I’ve learned, and thought long and hard about how to be a better me and have a better life. And yes, one of the ways I’ve contributed to this ongoing self-improvement venture is to attend events much like Sacramento Valley Heat.

One day I realized something. Woven throughout all of the self-improvement information I have been exposed to are common threads of guidance in the form of basic principles. These principles form the foundation of all of the self-improvement philosophies and systems. This was an epiphany!

At about the same time I had that epiphany I was playing a lot and spending many satisfying hours in the playroom. I won’t go into the specifics of exactly what transpired in that playroom, but one evening as I was catching my breath and basking in the afterglow of an amazing scene, I had another epiphany of sorts. The magical experience I had just had was flooding me with information and insight in a way I hadn’t been entirely open to previously. The gates of enlightenment, at least this particular gate, had opened and the proverbial light bulb went off in my head.

What happened at that moment was the realization that the play I had just finished had the power to improve me as a person far beyond credit typically given for such sexual experiences. I’d like to offer you some of what I’ve learned from that experience and countless subsequent sexual experiences. There’s not enough time to mention everything I’ve learned, and my learning continues to this day, but hopefully some examples of what I’ve learned will offer you some inspiration for finding the self-improvement and enlightenment possibilities that reside within your own play.

One thing I learned was that ultimately it’s the connection with people that matters in life. I remember looking deeply into someone’s eyes as we played and realizing this. THIS is what it was all about. It wasn’t about the ropes. It wasn’t about the gear. It wasn’t about the technique. It was about the connection. It was the complete connection that made the scene work and it was that deep connection that formed the entire basis for my enjoyment of the scene.

Outside of the playroom this revelation crept into every other part of my life. My daily life was ultimately enjoyable or not based upon the connections I had with people. And the deeper those connections were, the more enjoyable the day.

In this case, and as is often the case, my play not only informed my daily life, but the revelation informed my future play and made it better. Once upon a time I might have been lured into a scene with someone specifically because of a certain level of technical competence, a well-equipped playroom, or some other external allure. If at the same time I discounted a lack of connection with the person on the other side of the technique or gear or whatever, I was always disappointed with the results. People matter. Connections matter. In play and in life.

So I learned in the playroom that people, and the connections with those people, are what ultimately matter in life.

Another thing I learned is that we all need to play fair. Always. Think about it. Everything we learn in our scene about safewords and signals, negotiations, setting limits, establishing trust, and respecting each other boils down to playing fair.

Assuming you have some experience in this kinky scene of ours (I know we might have lots of newcomers here this weekend – welcome), think of those experiences in your past that fell short of your expectations. Or experiences that were downright unpleasant or felt dangerous. I’m guessing some aspect of not playing fair was at the core of the reason for the problems.

I use this concept in my daily life all of the time. If I’m not playing fair, I try to correct the situation. If someone else isn’t playing fair, I try to correct the situation. If I can’t, I try to remove myself from the situation. I have no use for people who don’t play fair. This is what my playroom time taught me.

Again, much the way my play informs my life, it has the reverse effect of affecting future play. When I play I keep the concept of fairness in mind at all times. No matter what the scenario, no matter what the role designations in place when I play, I try to be fair, always. I urge you to do the same.

So I learned in the playroom to always play fair.

Another thing I’ve learned is to say I’m sorry and clean up my own mess. BDSM and kink, like all of life, is full of times when we screw up. Screwing up isn’t a matter of if, but when. We all do it. Making mistakes is part of growing. It’s one of the primary ways we learn. But for some reason it seems really hard for us kinky folks to cop to any errors in judgment or other screw ups in our scenes or kinky relationships. We place such emphasis on the idealization of our fantasies and pride in our kinky abilities that we have a very hard time admitting when we made a mistake or maybe not had the best of judgment.

I recall a scene many years ago when I was playing with a guy. Without getting into specifics let’s just say I made a slight minor misstep during the scene. Nothing dangerous or extremely bad, but clearly a small mistake. Out of my mouth immediately came “I’m sorry” and I’ll never forget what happened. He turned around to me, looked me straight in the eye and said something like “the fact that you just apologized for that makes me trust you that much more – I’m really yours now sir”. And we proceeded to have one of those mind-blowing scenes from that point on.

I will never forget that. That man’s response to my quick apology imprinted on me the importance of making things right. Whether it’s a big mistake or a little mistake, acknowledging it, taking care of your own mess whatever it is, is always the right thing to do. It’s right during a scene, and it’s right outside of the playroom as well. We need to say we’re sorry and fix what’s wrong if we can.

So my time in the playroom taught me to acknowledge my mistakes, apologize, and clean up my mess.

Diversity and uniqueness is another set of concepts that has been indelibly influenced by my sexual life. One evening, actually it was more like a weekend, I was hanging out in a friend’s playroom with a few close playbuds. Over the course of the weekend, amid the play, we each ended up recounting our many kinks and sexual interests, our past experiences, and experiences we’d like to have, the subtle things that make our sexual encounters special. The sheer variety of interests and kinks and sexual proclivities and fantasies was mind boggling, and this was from just a few men. Imagine the variations if we were to canvas everyone. Truly mind boggling.

That ongoing discussion with my weekend playbuds brought about another sort of mind-expanding event for me – the recognition of diversity and uniqueness in each of us and the beauty that represents.

The pressure to conform is all around us. Our friends, families, employers, schools, religions, governments, and organizations all take part in this pressure. And yes, members of and institutions in our scene take part also. Sometimes their participation isn’t conscious or intentional, but it’s pressure nonetheless and succumbing to that pressure is a guaranteed pathway to unhappiness. Remember this, you are unique – there is no one on earth exactly like you. Remember this in the playroom and remember this in the rest of your life.

Our individual uniqueness shouldn’t be surprising. As a close friend of mine used to point out, all one has to do is look to nature to understand diversity and uniqueness. Look at snowflakes. Look at flowers. Look at trees. Look at mountains. Look at people’s faces. They are all 100% unique.

Take a moment. Look around you here in this room. In spite of the many commonalities we all share, we are all so different. Isn’t that a great thing. And remember what one of my favorite groups, Groove Armada, says in one of their songs, “If everybody looked the same, we’d get tired of looking at each other.”

If these externals are unique, why would we think that our insides, our minds and hearts and needs, are the same. They’re not. They possess the same uniqueness as everything else in the world. This applies to life, and this applies to our scene.

There’s no such thing as an average person, kinky or otherwise. An average person does not exist. Each of us is unique and that uniqueness should be celebrated and fostered. When average human characteristics are discussed, what’s being discussed are statistical measures that can’t really be applied to an individual. How can you average character, bodies, psychology, education, values, ethics, family, social situation, lifestyle, and other measures of what make up a person? You can’t. And you can’t average sexuality or kink either.

Anytime we try to quantify or measure an individual’s makeup by any set of standards, they are destined to fall short. In spite of the pressure around us to all try to be the same, we just aren’t. And this is what makes life worth living. How boring if we truly all were the same. There’d be nothing new to learn, explore or experience.

In our scene you will often encounter someone who decides to give you their advice on how to best pursue your sexuality. Take it all with a grain of salt. As Carl Jung put it, “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.” Feel free to look to others for advice, but don’t try to wear other people’s shoes. It won’t work.

So my time in the playroom taught me to embrace individuality, to honor uniqueness, to foster in myself and in others moving away from conformity and towards whatever makes us happiest, whatever makes us us. We enjoy being part of the pack, the collective. It’s yet another reason why we’re here today. But at the same time we should not lose sight of who each of us are inside, what makes us stand out, what makes us special. Because we are all special. Remember that when you play, remember that when you deal with others. You’re special and so are they.

Lastly, my time in the playroom has taught me to be aware of the wonder before me at all times. Everything in our scene exudes wonder-laden moments. The way someone writhes ever so beautifully at the end of a flogger. The glances of deep affection between a dom and a sub. The flashes of ecstasy that wash over us when the planets align during that very special scene. I am in awe at those times and I hope you are too.

When I push the door to the playroom open and re-enter the rest of the world, that sense of awe and wonder  permeates the rest of my daily life. The beauty of the sky. The smile on a passersby’s face. The beauty of the well-crafted words in a favorite book. These are but a few of the things that lay before me every day that engender a magical sense of “damn, I’m lucky to be able to experience this.”

We all have every reason to be in a state of awe and wonder most of the time, but so many of us aren’t. We are too often hypnotized by the distractions that pull us away from wonder, sidetrack us from awe. So, as you experience this weekend, give in to awe and wonder. Give in to experiencing everything as fully and deeply as you can. Then take that same sensibility with you as you emerge from this cocoon of kink here this weekend and go about your daily life.

These are some of the things I’ve learned in the playroom. I’ve learned a lot more and there’s just not enough time to mention them all. What I hope, though, is that you leave here this weekend with your eyes open a little wider, your hearts open a little more, your mind open to expansion and new experiences in ways you might not have been previously. Learn here this weekend and know that what you’re learning, while it seems at first to apply only to your sexuality and kink, applies ultimately to your entire life. And maybe you’ll learn everything you need to know in the playroom too. That is my wish for you.

Thank you for your time and your attention. Enjoy your weekend.

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