Embrace the Cringe
On March 21, 2024, I delivered the Opening Ceremonies speech at South Plains Leatherfest in Dallas, Texas. This is the entire text of the speech.
This is the speech I delivered on March 21, 2024, in Dallas, Texas, at the South Plains Leatherfest conference. The conference offered classes, social and play events, two contests, a vendor market, and more. The audience was comprised of leather and kink people of all genders, orientations, and kinky erotic interests. The text has been word smithed a bit from exactly how it was delivered to read better than might a word-for-word accounting, but it’s essentially the exact speech as delivered.
Hello everyone. It’s a joy to be in front of you today. I came to this event for many years in the past. It feels good to have been asked to come back, and with the added bonus of the opportunity to speak to you as part of these opening ceremonies. Tomo, wherever in the room or building you are, thank you for trusting me with this honor.
Since this speech is being delivered as part of opening ceremonies, I’d like to offer what I hope is a bit of wisdom to make the rest of this weekend as fulfilling, fun, and meaningful as it can be.
So, let me start off on that quest with a quote from author and content creator Mark Manson that I recently read in his newsletter. He wrote…
"If you cringe at your former self, that’s good—it means you’ve grown. Never stop cringing."
Let me say that again.
"If you cringe at your former self, that’s good—it means you’ve grown. Never stop cringing."
I cringe at my former self all the time.
I cringe when I think of my 17-year-old self in Chicago in 1972 when I snuck into my first gay bar, and then immediately a few hours later my second gay bar which happened to luckily be the Gold Coast, a world-famous leather bar. I cringe because I thought everyone was looking at me, judging me. They weren’t.
I cringe when I think back to my early 20s in Chicago and then New York City when I discovered that a somewhat attractive and somewhat buffed gay man with a modicum of kink and BDSM skill had the leather world as his feet. I didn’t really, but I cringe because I thought I did.
I cringe when I think back to my early 30s when I collared my first long-term sub, a man who turned out to be among the world’s most famous leathermen. I thought I was quite something having done that. I bought into my inflated dominant persona and thought far more of myself than others probably did of me, I’m sure. Very cringe worthy.
I cringe when my leather and kink credentials began to pile up with multiple subs collared and with a growing kink experience and skill set pedigree and growing national attention. I thought quite highly of myself then. Too highly because I cringe at the arrogance that can unknowingly transmit and probably did at the time.
I cringe when I think back to the early days of the Gay Liberation Front movement of which I was a part and how we resisted adding Lesbian into that movement’s naming convention. That was a misguided stance. We eventually learn, hopefully, that we’re stronger together than apart. I still cringe when I resist reasonable inclusion.
I cringe when I recall the angst and consternation I went through in my 50s when I finally fully abandoned the exclusive top/dom identifier for what my insides had told me was becoming true for years. I’m a switch. I feared at the time my seemingly hard-earned top and dom credentials would evaporate in a sea of finger pointing judgment. They did not, and interestingly even more sub men began to show interest in me than before.
I cringe today when I make a misstep in assessing situations in kink and leather whether it’s people, trends, sexual interests, situations, relationships, identifications, genders, orientations, or any of the ways people have every right to live their leather or kink lives as they see fit.
I cringe at all those things because acknowledging the cringe reminds me that there is but one constant in all of life and that most certainly includes leather, kink, fetish, or whatever you want to call this particular flavor of adventurous sexuality we all enjoy and are gathered here this weekend to celebrate.
So, as perhaps you may have guessed by now, I’m going to invoke one of those tired leather and kink scene tropes that can be incredibly annoying, but I hope in this case is illustrative. That fact is that as I eye becoming 70 years of age this year and count back to that 17-year-old who entered his first leather bar, I’ve been in this scene for 52 years give or take. I’ve been actively in this scene for longer than many, perhaps most of you here, have been alive.
If that doesn’t impress you, good! On its face simply hanging around the scene for a few decades doesn’t mean someone has any great wisdom to bestow on others who are less experienced. I’ve never believed length of time matters more than depth of engagement.
But I’ve not just hung around the scene for decades, I think my history clearly demonstrates I’ve been rather deeply engaged in this scene, and as a result I think I’ve learned a thing or two that’s useful.
Something age grants you is the benefit of hindsight. We older kinksters, or leather folk as some here likely prefer to be called, can look in the rearview mirror at our old selves, what we went through, what we witnessed, and what we hopefully learned from what a bit of scene mileage can offer us.
Alluding to how I opened this speech, the first bit of wisdom is to embrace the cringe, to cringe at your former self, often, and never stop doing that. If you’re exactly the same kinky or leather person you were five or ten years ago, fine if that makes you happy. But if that’s the case, might I suggest you seriously consider taking a few steps out of the box you’ve placed yourself in to look around and try new things. New things in your brain, New things with your play. New things socially. New things in terms of community.
Another thing I absolutely know is that what you’re hearing from me today, right now, and what you'll hear from others throughout the weekend, are opinions.
Each of the 800 or so of you in the room, myself included, has opinions. In light of the fact that we're all at a leather and kink conference that has a lot of informational and educational components to it along with contests and social events, you're going to hear lots of opinions.
Please don’t forget that. Take nothing at face value. Accept no information or strategy as godsent. Weigh what you hear and see against your own set of values and ethics. Place your needs front and center while at the same time remaining kind and helpful to others.
Another thing to realize is that everything in our scene changes. Everything. Apart from the foundations of basic human decency and consent, and just plain old being a nice person, everything we do and who we are is ultimately a construct.
What we do, and who we are, are constructs. We have quite literally made this shit up. Not necessarily individually, although sometimes that's true. But communally and over time we have created this community, or to be more accurate, this set of overlapping communities, out of seeds planted decades ago that looked and functioned absolutely nothing like what we're now here today being and doing. No matter what others might tell you.
Back to the opinions you’re going to hear this weekend.
Hopefully some of the opinions we’ve arrived at communally see widespread acceptance because they're opinions founded in solid goodness and decency. I'll use one example - racism. Hopefully everyone agrees that racism, whether it's overt or systemic, whether it's blatant or subtle, is wrong. Outright, unquestionably wrong.
So, opinions can have such philosophical moral and ethical weight behind them that they should indeed be considered a universal truth. But sometimes attempts are made to back up supposed truths with lots of convenient or manufactured evidence. Ask any right-wing racist if their opinion is correct and they'll proudly say yes. So, I hope we can agree that some opinions are indeed better than others.
On a larger worldview scale, the opinions that we need to foster more in our society, and in our scene, are those that push back against racism, misogyny, classism, homophobia, transphobia, antisemitism, Islamophobia, anti-immigrant sentiment, and so on… all have something in common and I contend that’s basic human decency. And an indecent opinion can quite literally harm or perhaps even kill another person because that opinion exists.
Yet, other opinions don't have such stark impacts in our lives such as most opinions, I contend, within our leather, kink, and fetish scene.
If someone doesn't align their life with how I run my life when it comes to my desired types of dominant and submissive relationships, that doesn't impact me one iota. If I choose to wear full leather to a big public event and someone else chooses to wear a tutu, it doesn't impact me at all.
If someone launches a tirade on social media over some issue about which I likely know little at the time, it’s not my place to jump in with yet another uninformed opinion just because the masses are doing so.
If someone mentions something in a class or workshop with which I disagree, I don’t have to get bent out of shape, raise my hand, and try to immediately correct them with what’s likely just my own opinion anyway.
If a group, event, or contest decides to alter its audience or structure or criteria for inclusion, how much does that really impact me anyway? It doesn’t. Not really.
For example, being an M/s titleholder myself, not something I talk much about, and as someone certainly deep in the M/s scene, sure, I perhaps resonate more strongly with M/s community contests than perhaps other contests. But I just don’t worry much about what contests happen or how they’re run generally as long as they’re run honestly. There’s room for them all.
But, and this is how I view much of our scene now and it’s brought me much peace of mind, my attitude is the people putting in the hard community or event work get to decide how it runs because after all they’re doing all the heavy lifting. I’m just privileged that I get to attend what they’ve created, even if not everything about it is exactly how I’d do it myself.
Trust me, I’ve yet to attend any event or contest or kink happening of any sort that manifested in exactly the way I would have done it myself.
Coexistence at events and in spaces is a reality of life in our scene now. Our scene has room to grow, morph, change, adapt, reinvent, and include. I’m all for affinity spaces catering to specific sectors of our scene. As a gay man, I sometimes like my all-gay affinity spaces. But I recall when I attended the first few South Plans Leatherfest weekends that its foundation was that it’s a place for everyone in our scene. The original producer of this event is a close friend and I know my viewpoint echoes his.
Anyway, that’s enough of me on my soapbox about allowing events to change. Back to more advice.
When I encounter a new kink or identity about which I know little, which happens a lot frankly at events like this one, it’s not my place to judge it. I recall how askance some gay men would look when the first puppies arrived in our midst years ago. Now? In the gay men’s kink scene at least, the pups are often the leaders and community organizers making all the cogs crank away for the rest of us. I always try to remember someone else’s kink or identity is none of my business.
Circling back to how I opened this speech, as you experience the rest of tonight and this weekend, I hope you’ll embrace the cringe. For me, acknowledging the cringe, that simple mindset of always liking your current self more than your former self, hopefully, will guide you incredibly well not just this weekend, but throughout your kink and non-kink life. Embrace the cringe.
Finally, since this is an event opening speech and because I consider others to often have far better advice than I do, here are some things that various people in my personal and social sphere have suggested would be good things to tell you today. A few of these are word for word from them and others are blended and word smithed. So, I’m not going to credit any of them in a public forum like this.
Here's some of their advice. I’m numbering them so you know when one stops and the next starts.
If you’re capable of branching out of your comfort zone (not all of us are), engage people of various backgrounds, ages, kinks, and body types. Don't just interact with your friends or people you want to have sex with. There is so much to learn through talking to new people. Just be kind to each other and be curious about their knowledge and experiences.
It can be difficult to ask to play with someone and equally difficult to turn someone down if there’s no interest. So, perhaps a simple “If you’re ever interested, I’d be honored to negotiate a scene with you,” and leave it at that. If you do leave it at that, at least the person now knows you’re interested without a bunch of pressure on either side.
Consider saying yes more often than you say no. So many possibilities open up when you say yes. Remember, you’re allowed to change your mind to no if you later decide it’s not for you. You always have a right to say no regardless of any pressure you might be feeling. Stand by your no’s, and your yes’s.
There are newcomers here. Of that, I’m sure. Embrace them. Don’t judge them. Encourage them. Answer their questions. Introduce them to others. If these conferences have one supreme benefit, it’s the connections we make here.
Don’t try to do everything. You won’t be able to. Abandon the feeling of FOMO and embrace JOMO, joy of missing out. Throw yourself fully into whatever you’re doing at the moment. Be present.
Focus on your individual growth. Be kind. Find what works for you and don't force it on others. Yes, stand up for yourself, but we need to stop trying to impose our ideals on everyone else. Find your own personal happiness without costing others theirs. And stop taking everything so damn seriously, including yourself.
Remain open-minded. Learn new things. It can be life changing.
As you look to the future with eager anticipation, curiosity, and excitement, always remember those who walked these paths before you. Be mindful of their plight. Be appreciative that they fought and toiled against some seemingly insurmountable odds so that you could be the kinkster or leather person you are today.
Judge people on their character, not their age or appearance. Have a conversation with someone you might not otherwise based entirely on their appearance.
Talk, meet, and sit with people you don’t already know. Consciously try to socialize and perhaps play outside of your inner circle bubble.
Remember that you can do everything right in kink and in our scene and still experience frustrations, stuck points, missteps, or heartbreaks. Your goal is to stay open, keep learning, and remain curious.
If you happen to be running in one of this weekend’s contests, or any contest anywhere, win or lose you have value and something to contribute. Sashes are nice, but they’re not required for deep scene and community engagement.
Sleep and drink lots of water. Try to encourage your friends to do the same.
Read the room. Ask yourself if you’re in a space in which everyone is welcome or if the space seems dedicated to a specific group. We need both inclusive and affinity spaces. We can have both.
To create a community that thrives on consent and openness, remember to think about your own inherent biases and judgments that we all inevitably absorb from the vanilla world. We are a distinct set of communities dedicated to safety and accountability. In that sense, our kink is our superpower.
Support small businesses in our scene, those sponsoring this event or in the vendor area of this conference in particular. It’s not easy being a kink businessperson. Let’s give them our support.
If you learn about or see a new kink that befuddles you, remain curious, not judgmental. The kink you tilt your head at today in bewilderment might be the kink you enjoy most five years from now.
Leather, specifically, is what we make it. There's no "old guard" set of standards that have to be adhered to no matter what someone might tell you. If you proceed with kindness and integrity, those are the only requirements to be here and accepted for who you are.
Be open to different people, experiences, and perspectives. Maybe attend a class about something you already know, or even something you teach, to get a new perspective.
Try to meet five new people every day.
Remember there are people from all walks of our leather and kink scene here. Embrace the diversity. Accepting others doesn’t mean you need to change yourself or abandon your affinity spaces. There’s room in this scene for everyone.
And I think this is a good one to end on, never forget that this is all supposed to be fun.
So go forth and have fun. Should you care to share this speech with anyone, in just a few minutes the entire text of this speech will go live on my Love at the Edges newsletter page at bannon.substack.com. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.
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