Ego, Identity, and Sexuality
Why abandoning rigid attachments to our sexual identities might improve our sex lives and overall erotic satisfaction
Kink and indeed all forms of adventurous sexuality often have at their core a fundamental foundation of identification. We attach our sexuality to an identity or identities that resonate with us. Such identities might be generalized kinkster, leather person, dominant, submissive, switch, or any of a number of endless erotic identity possibilities that appear to be growing in number in the various modern kink communities. Of course, identities exist in all aspects of sexuality, not just kink.
These identities can act as the foundation upon which we build our sexuality. Strong foundations support stable structures. But when an earthquake comes along in the form of sudden personal growth, new sexual horizons, or bonding closely with someone outside the bounds our identity parameters comfortably demarcate, the structure can be shaken from the foundation and become broken.
If we imagine a more flexible foundation underpinning the structure, the shock of such changes or explorations is easily absorbed and the basic structure remains intact, although perhaps eventually refurbished and remodeled for the better.
I recently re-read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose and it made me think about the identities we use in our erotic play.
Tolle believes that humankind is constricted by all kinds of self-created thought patterns. These thought patterns form the identity and self-concept each of us maintains throughout our lives. Tolle contends that these identities keep us from attaining any sort of lasting happiness because of our attachment to them. Tolle believes excessive attachment to such identities leads to unhappiness because they are ultimately fictitious creations that will inevitably deconstruct over time, leaving us wandering, looking for answers to who we actually are.
The downside of attachment is nothing new. Buddhism promotes the concept of non-attachment. As in other aspects of life, non-attachment can be a constructive way to navigate within relationships and sexuality. Attachment in this case refers to us trying to control things we can't control. Buddhism suggests such attachments are a root cause of suffering.
So, I thought to myself, how might this apply to certain styles of sexuality? Could our attachment to our sexual identities keep us from reaching the satisfaction and happiness that we’re trying to achieve by adopting those sexual identities in the first place?
On a practical level, Tolle’s insight does shed some light on why our sexual identities sometimes get in the way of the joy and happiness we hope our sexuality will bring us. When we are too attached to our identities, we run the risk of locking out a wide range of experiences that a more organic “living in the moment” perspective might create in our lives.
There are times when I meet someone and my instincts tell me they are far too wrapped up in their sexual persona. They’re so committed to a sexual identity that I’m not sure I’m interacting with the real person. Yes, I fully understand the allure and appeal of a “real” sexual persona. I consider mine quite real. But I’m also fully aware they’re constructions of my own making. If an identity gets in the way of true connection with other people, or gets in the way of the personal growth I need to foster in my life, is it really serving me well?
Do you have an erotic identity? If so, are you highly attached to it?
I’m not saying that everyone should be everything. We like what we like. We construct what works for us. That’s part of the sexual freedom we rightfully deserve. But if what we’ve created, the identity we’ve come to be, hinders us from exploration, then that cage is not of the fun playroom variety.
The core of Tolle's theory is that the whole of humanity is trapped in self-created worlds of thought. An individual will experience this as their self-concept.
Within these labyrinthine stories it is impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As they are fictional and static, all self-concepts are subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle cites as the main causal factor in human suffering.
The escape from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite – that which stands outside, before, and beyond the categorizations and divisions of conceptual thought.
A key way through which Tolle suggests this escape can be achieved is to focus one's attention on the present moment. It echoes Ram Dass’ “be here now” directive. And this is where his approach resonated with me most. How often have we heard the “living in the moment” advice? It’s timeless and universal. All great philosophical approaches to living a better life advise us to be more present, to live in the moment, to focus less on the past and future and to experience life as much in the present as possible.
In psychoanalytic theory, one’s ego is the meditating force between the instinctual desires of our id and the critical oversight of the super-ego. Perhaps detaching somewhat from strong sexual identities frees up our ego for a broader swath of options in the realm of erotic play and deeper intimacy with others.
When I first read Tolle’s book, I decided to attach less importance to my sexual persona(s) and to try and live in the moment more. My experience with this mindset thus far has proven fruitful. My attachments to my erotic identities were incredibly strong for a very long time. But the more I’ve lived in the moment with my sexuality, the more open I’ve become to new experiences and new ways of thinking about my sex life. I’ve experienced more freedom within accompanying social and community interactions. As a result, I’ve experienced a wider range of intimacy that’s ultimately made my sex life more fulfilling. Perhaps it might offer you similar results.
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