Dispelling a Pervasive Myth

Stop comparing your amount of sexual activity or erotic play to others because there’s no such thing as the “correct” amount.

The realm of sexuality and associated relationships and community dynamics have an abundance of myths. This is true of all sex and relationship communities, but the world of kink and the more adventurous side of sex and relationships have their own specific set of myths.

As but one example, I wrote “The Old Guard That Never Was (And Why That’s a Good Thing)” to dispel the notion that there was some rigid, codified structure that dictated behavior, relationships, and play among the gay men’s leather community that spawned much of modern leather culture.

Dispelling myths is a good thing, especially when those myths can negatively affect those just entering some aspect of kink culture. There is always someone ready to tell a newcomer how to “do it correctly” when apart from basic safety and respect, there really aren’t many rigid rules to follow.

So, when I was reading “8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away” by Catherine Pearson, it made me realize that many of the myths in mainstream sexuality have parallels in the world of kink.

A pervasive myth is the first one mentioned in the article: “Everyone else is having more sex than you.” Translated into the vernacular of kink it would be everyone is playing more than you.

That’s often, quite often actually, not true. I’ve written about this topic before, but I think it deserves regular attention because I so often hear private comments from friends and other kinksters I meet who worry their amount of play doesn’t match up to how much they assume others are having.

There is no appropriate amount of play you should be having. Some kinksters are happily infrequent solo players while others have a constant stream of play encounters. There are variations across the entire spectrum between solo and extremely frequent player. Plus, one can be a kinkster while not engaging in any specific play at all because what constitutes a kinkster is ultimately what transpires  between the ears regardless of whether it manifests physically or not.

There’s an iconic quote that’s been attributed to a variety of people, but it’s apt here regardless of the source – “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It sure is. In an article I once read a similar quote that was attributed to a yoga teacher – “Comparison is the quickest road to suffering.” That’s true too.

In this era of ubiquitous online kink imagery, social media posts, hundreds of kink classes and workshops, and other aspects of the modern kink scene, it’s easy to assume that all of those people are playing more than you. Some are perhaps. And that’s fine. But so many are not.

Many in the kinky world carefully curate their external image and publicly-shared content. Again, that’s fine. But it’s so easy to view or read those things and assume it’s representative of the kink world as a whole. Nope.

In my own life, I have an extremely close friend who works in the kink adult entertainment realm. He plays a lot and much of that is private personal play, but much of it is imagery, messaging, and content that’s specifically related to how he makes an income. So, of course it “feels” like he’s playing a lot more than I am, and he absolutely is in real terms. If I were to compare my own amount of play to his, I’d be unhappy and depressed all the time. Despite occasional misplaced pangs of jealousy because he plays so much, I don’t compare my erotic life to his.

In the interest of complete transparency, the amount of my play has reset post-pandemic to a less frequent level. It’s not a cautious covid thing. Rather, it’s that for whatever reason I’m quite happy to play a bit less than I did in the past. I still play. That play tends to be most often relegated to people I have a deep connection with or at a specific type of play event, but overall it’s definitely less than my amount of play five or ten years ago. I’m entirely fine with it.

Play however much you want to play. If that’s never, or infrequently, or you’re the most active of kinky sluts, it’s all good if you and your partner(s) are happy and fulfilled. Compare yourself to others at your own risk.

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